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male
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*ie-guts
writes: I recently met the woman of my dreams through a mutual friend. Only problem is, she's married!!! We've sorta struck up a friendship, we've chatted, sms'd, had coffee, etc, but I can't stop thinking about her. She drives me crazy, I've never felt this way about a woman before. Now I'm probably not half as good looking as her hubby, but I make her laugh and we can talk for hours. She's only new to the area, she doesn't have a lot of friends and her hubby works away on a ship and leaves her by herself for up to 2 months for a time and then is only home for a week. I know she gets lonely and deserves better. What do I do??? I know it's wrong but can I ever win her over? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2006): Okay, as a married woman whose husband has been away for nearly a year...how would you feel if she actually cheated on her husband with you? Do you think YOU would be able to trust her after that? If she does it to one man and believes it's okay, there's something wrong with it-and she just may do the same to you.
You, on the other hand should be a good and RESPONSIBLE friend to her and just be there for her to talk to. I guarantee that's what she actually needs.
She is exactly what you said...the woman of your "dreams." There's a reason for that too...you are idealizing her. She's taken, you want her but can't because she's married and maybe she just doesn't feel that way about you.
You only spoke about your self and YOUR feelings...chances are you aren't thinking about her at all. Shame on you for that. Her feelings have to be considered. It is a very vulnerable time for both of you...being lonely and all. Do the right thing and be a good friend to her...not a friends with benefits type deal. It will be best for both of you. Stay friends but stay out of her marriage. If she should suddenly become single again somewhere down the road, stay friends...then make your move. Do it when she can no longer be your "dream" woman, but also your reality.
If you actually love this person, you will do the right thing and wait. Love has no time-limit!
And another thing...when her husband does return, don't get in the middle of anything. She will make up her own mind about what and who she wants. All you have to do is stand back and be a mere spectator. That's the best thing you can give any person who is alone-a friendly ear. If she has already cheated on her husband with you, shame on you both. That's not love...
How do you even know she deserves better? She most likely got into her marriage knowing that his being away was part of their "I DO" contract. The integral part of any relationship is TRUST. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship...period. Use her as the person who sets the bar for you when choosing your own partner. You want someone who has those similar qualities, but is single and just as into you as you are her. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): Adding my two cents here. You sound pretty lonesome, guy. You are feeling the emotions that happen when you begin to open your heart to someone. I need to ask, why on earth are you spending time and emotional energy on no future?
We usually do this with people who are 'available' to have relationships and begin a future with us. I think you want that deep, rewarding relationship. So I suggest you start using logic and go find a lovely, single woman who is available. Leave the married one's alone. Put yourself in her husband's shoes for a minute. Pretend you are married. If your wife was feeling lonesome because you were away, would you want another man stepping in and keeping her company? (if you catch my drift). The most self-respectful thing you can do is walk away from all this and leave this man's wife, alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): Do you wish to take advantage of that poor lonely woman whom you go nuts for, while her husband working the wilds of the sea try to bring more for her and a possible family? He's doing his best for her, I am sure, though not physically there for her. How fragile love is, and how immoral someone such as yourself would even consider trying to break that up just to satisfy your own unconditioned mind!
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female
reader, lilred112  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 Please don't fool yourself do this woman love her husband? One thing about a woman is that no matter how much stuff she go through with a man, if she truely love him she going to try her best to work it out. Please don't leap into something too fast. If you truely find interest in this woman, you would show her respect by supporting her and being there for her. Don't try to lure her on to you but instead build her confidence and find out if she feels she is an in unwanted relatioship. And if so try to be her shoulder to lean on instead of someone who trying to jump in to the picture and make a quick fix.
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 She may be the woman of your dreams but are you the man of hers ?
Her bloke works away for a long time, that is his job and it is how they manage financially, she knew what he did for a living when she married him and she knew she would at times get lonely.
Being friends with her was fine and it seems like she liked having you as a friend but you are moving it to another level, what you are now doing is trying to move in to her life where she already has a husband and you want to take his place because you think you can give her more.
You are playing a dangerouse game, you dont know if she feels the same about you, you dont know what if anything is wrong with her marriage, it maybe fine but she just needs friends as it is a new place she has moved to and thus she is vulnerable due to the lonliness new places bring.
You need to ask yourself if telling her how you feel about her is worth ruining the friendship and maybe endangering her marriage.
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