A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing this girl back in 2018, lets call her A. I knew that she was not long out of an 8 year relationship, and had a son who was only 2. We started getting to know each other, taking things really slow. She got her flat and was starting again. When we used to see each other she would just start crying for no apparent reason. She even started crying when we were out for a meal once, while I was trying to pay the waitress. Things fizzled out and we lost touch, and I started seeing someone new in 2019, which last 7 months. A month after being single again, A knocks at my door during the day, I invite her in and she say's that she made the biggest mistake and in floods of tears again. She got rid of her flat, and went back in with her ex. Only after being there 2 days she realised what she had done, and wanted to leave again. So five months roll by, and she manages to get a flat back near to her previous one, so all good, onwards and upwards. So we been getting on really well, and Christmas is approaching, we have arranged we will spend it together. I said to her I will pop a present round to her for her son on Christmas Eve. I called her before I left, and got no answer, either by text or call. So I drove over, found she was not there so left the present by her front door. I eventually got through to her and she say's she is home now. I thought that's odd, she has not mentioned the present I left by the door. I said are you sure your at home, and she said yes again. I said your not at home, otherwise you would have known there was a present by your door. So I find out she is with her ex, and his family. So I was angry about this, not that she was with them, but the fact that if it was not for that present I would have believed she was at the flat. I told her not to come over Christmas day or boxing day as I was upset. I then find out she spent the Christmas day with her Ex's family and spent the night there with them. The people she normally call's the bain of her life. After the smoke settled she knocks on my door giving me my Christmas present and come in for chat, I was still upset, but we spoke and we started doing things again, like having dinner together, going for walks, and playing with her son etc. Then one Sunday she cancels on me, saying she is not feeling well. That's fine I thought, so gave her a text to see how she is getting on and no reply. And no answer when I call either. I tried later on, and find out she is with her ex's family spending time with them. Then staying at her Ex's with her son as its snowing and does not want to drive back. I feel like a total mug again, and she was unobtainable all night, until the next day.A week went by, and she comes around, and I'm not best pleased to be honest, but she claims there is nothing going on with her ex, and that nothing happened that night. She say's that its better to get along with them all than to have bad feeling a negativity. I agree with this, what I have a problem with is the lying, saying she is at home, but is really with her ex's family. She says she know's I would get the hump if she said she was there with them, but I would admire the honesty, why lie. As far as I know nothing has happened since.She has left this ex twice now, call's him a waste of space, and would never get back with him in a million years, but shared a bed with him a month ago saying she is there because of adverse conditions. Am I over thinking this, or would anyone else have a problem this. His family she say's are her sons main carer, and that's fine. But she calls them the bain of her life, then going to spend time with them and lies about it. This I have an issue with. I really do like this girl a lot, and she does not come across as the flirty unfaithful type, she just comes across as a stay at home Mum, almost a bit frumpy in a way, but I don't mind this. When we spend time together we always have a nice time, and she say's I have shown her a different side of life, a life she has never known before. I just feel once I have been lied to, its really hard to continue, despite the fact that you want to trust them with all your heart. I asked her how she would feel if I shared a bed with my sons mother, and spent so much time with her family, she said she would hate it. Makes me think sometimes that they have got something on her, some hold or something. I do think she does actually like me, that I have no doubt, she actually brought me a really expensive present on valentines day which I was a bit taken aback to be honest as was not expecting this. Do you think I should keep seeing her, or call it a day and move on?.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2021): Hands-down, lying is the ultimate deal-breaker. How could you ever establish trust?
Granted, she should maintain some connection with her son's relatives on his father's side; but she can't really disconnect completely from his father. You have to understand that he's going to be an ever-present fixture regardless. He is the child's biological-father; and has paternal-rights, giving him the right to see his kid. The usual problem is that the dad wants the child, but not the kid's mother.
I have the suspicion she's having her cake and eating it too. She's holding-out to see if she and her ex will ever get back together. Thus, one failed-attempt. She hasn't really given-up; she's expecting him to change, or hoping against hope that through some miracle he'll want her back. That is typical behavior for someone who has spent as long as eight years in a relationship that had to end. It is possible having her son was the final desperate attempt to maintain some sort of hold on the father; who obviously never wanted to marry her, and the relationship was too unstable to survive.
You, my friend, are her "stand-in." Whose primary function is to be the surrogate-father for the kid; and her lover/comforter on-call, when he rejects her. Sticking close to his family is a way of staying connected with him. I'm not telling you anything you haven't witnessed with your own eyes; and I am certain the thought has crossed your mind many times!
She is still undergoing a process of detachment from her former partner. They share a child, which makes that process all the more laborious. She wouldn't keep sneaking around to be with him; if she has already gotten over him. You're the back-up plan should all efforts fail.
I think it is best that you take a pass. Otherwise, you'll endure a lot of drama. You can't fault the other person, if you have trust-issues; when you know firstoff and without a doubt, they cannot really be trusted. Her credibility is shot! Lying is a red-flag; and there's another man deeply involved and entangled in this triangle.
You should suggest that she not show-up unexpectedly at your door. That's something stalkers might do.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2021):
 "Do you think I should keep seeing her, or call it a day and move on?."
I think that depends on you, AND her.
If you tell her: "listen Betty, I don't MIND you seeing your former in-laws as they are your son's grandparents, I am however not a huge fan of you spending much time with your ex, but what I REALLY don't like is being lied to. If you FEEL you have to lie to me, then obviously YOU don't have much faith in me to handle the truth."
Staying at their house because the roads were bad is SMART. But would she really have to SLEEP in the same bed as the ex? I don't think so. Did she have to lie about it? No. Can it mean they are "just" civil? Sure, but... why couldn't she answer her phone when you called?
At the end of the day, THIS guy AND his family will be in her life forever. She has a child with him. Whether YOU like it or not. Her son needs his father.
They probably don't have any "hold" over her, other than being related through her son. And if they are the kid's main caretakers, they are IMPORTANT for her too. Even if she doesn't like them. I have to say it's WEIRD that any mother will want people she calls the "bane of her existence" to watch her kid. I wouldn't have people like that within a mile of MY kids.
If this is too much for you (and that is OK) then wish her well and move on. If not, TALK to her. Have some clear boundaries and talk about honesty and truth.
You can't make demands on who she sees (as long as we don't talk dating) but you can make demands for honesty and truth. Whether she will respect that and keep it, is another matter.
For me though, it seems like there is a lot of baggage with this girl. And it also seems like you are a bit of a secret. I mean do the ex knows you two are dating?
I don't know. Seems like too much drama too soon in.
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