A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Despite the country, English is my first language.I've been dating this woman, Katrina (not her real name), 41, for the past 18 months and we met at a singles' night.I only found out recently that she's married and has a husband and 13-year-old twins, Ava and Sara (not their real name) and she's told me she's only with her husband for the children, in an unhappy marriage and that divorce would be seen as shameful in their small local town; Maddie's also a cop as well and well-known in their small town.Maddie also told me she was fed up with her husband wearing her underwear and posting about it on social media and she was worried about him smoking cannabis.I live in the big city, she lives in a small town.I didn't know she had kids, when I'd been to her house she just told me that her sister and kids were staying there (never met her sister, only seen photos).I officially ended it with her three weeks ago but she can't seem to accept it; she's kept sending me crisps, chocolate, alcohol and wants us to get back together.You might say, the obvious solution, go to the police, but she IS in the police, and isn't there "blue wall of silence" as Americans call it?There's also an additional thing... private photos of us in our underwear we took together as a selfie are on social media but they won't take it down (hosted in the USA), the site owner said "Sorry, not taking it down. #couplegoals picture is staying, you don't own the copyright".No matter what I did, the site owners won't remove the content, and also there's American law to consider; if it happened over here there's a lot of data protection law to consider.I thought I had it good with Maddie, but now I'm less trusting and don't want to be paranoid about dating women.I've not dated men since I was 19, only dated one man aged 16, but he moved to Italy and wasn't seen since, at 18 realized I liked women, and 19 started dating women properly. Of course, back in 2002, it wasn't socially acceptable, so I had to be discreet about it... my parents were OK with my liking of girly women but in general, being a lesbian in 2002 wasn't okay and gay jokes were common.I'm angry, upset and humiliated by this.It's not like I entered into it, knowing she was married.rrI feel embarrassed and angry but don't know how to deal with this.I had to change a lot of details for anonymity reasons but the general situation is:I'm Swedish, dated a woman, found out she was married, she's a cop and keeps begging us to get back togehter after I ended it. Website has intimate pictures and won't remove them.Please help me.... not sure if anyone else has been in my situation or what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2021): Omg do not I repeat do not go to the police.There is a thin blue line there and they protect their own.Lawyer up and do what your lawyer says..Do not go against his advice.You might have to move...I would...for safety..your safety.It is you now against that whole police dept.I just would dissappear somewhere unknown to her.Please stay safe.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2021):
 Do you know any lawyers?
If you do I'd ask the lawyer to contact whatever website your pictures are on. Sometimes getting a notification in legal-speak means websites become super helpful.
Also why would you put intimate pictures online? (not trying to shame you but that seems like a foolish idea regardless of whether you knew your partner were married or not) If you allow pictures like that "out there" on the Internet it can be impossible to retrieve them.
Also why would a police officer have almost nudes online? A married police officer? That seems weird.
How does she mail you goodies? Through the postal service? If so, DENY/REFUSE acceptance when they try and deliver. Or SEND them back. Keep doing that.
Change your number as well.
I would not make threats (like telling her you will tell her husband or go to the police) (for now) because people who are desperate to keep an affair secret are not safe.
I'd give it a little time for her to "get" the point. If she can not contact you (if you change your phone number and block hers) hopefully she will stop. It's only been 3 weeks. Which might feel like a long time for you.
As for going to the Police. I don't think they could DO much of anything. She is sending you "goodies" not making threats. If you change your phone number she can't keep calling and begging to start over.
I get the feeling angry and humiliated by finding out that you were in an affair when you thought it was a relationship.. But here is the thing. You didn't know. She didn't care. She fooled you. THAT happens.
Let it go. An next time you meet someone, go super slow. Perhaps do a little sleuthing first. As in, check out their social media etc.
If you don't want to be paranoid about dating women, then don't. This could have happened dating a man. Go slow, be safe.
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