A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner has recently left me, no explanation or answers so I'm left just trying to accept and get on with things.I live in a town where I'm not from and I notice that women all have their circle if friends. On social media they post pictures of their friend groups and how they are looking forward to going out again.I don't have that, I don't know many here and even less on a social level. I have friends I'm in touch with around the country but as we all live at a distance and due to life circumstances I don't see them often.I feel alone and isolated and pretty shit as a person because I feel I don't have a circle of friends in the area. There's not going to be much anyone can say, I know that what's ahead is dark times trying to move on from just being left after a few years with no one who can help me but I feel absolutely inadequate in every way
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2021): anonymous of 25th is right. Very often when a person is lonely or short of friends others think they should rush out and mix with just anyone on any terms, which often ends up with them doing all of the giving and being used or being with people who are not right for them. If you are not careful people will pick up that you are friendless and try to take advantage, as if you have to buy their "friendship" with loans, gifts, favours, free work etc.
What makes that worse is that these people would not be worth making friends with anyway, even if they offered it in a fairer less selfish way.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 February 2021):
 I agree with CodeWarrior,
If you CAN move to where you have a family (that you can rely on) I would consider it. Also, there IS such a thing as FaceTime/Skype/Zoom to keep in touch with people living far away.
If you can't move (due to a job situation) then perhaps looking into start building friendships. You don't need a LOT of friends to have a support net, you need GOOD friends. I know it's not an easy time to make new friends right now, but there are bookclub groups that do online meetings (just an example) until we are back to a more "normal" world where people socialize and mingle more.
So what are you interested in? Can you find a local group of women who also do this? Etc?
Sometimes relationships don't work. It sucks. It hurts. But isn't it better to end it and find a new partner who could be a better fit?
Chin up, OP
Spring is around the corner!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 February 2021):
 I know its hard breaking up with someone, its never easy, not for anyone.
All i can say is that things will get easier, time really is the healer of all things.
Maybe try to work on yourself some more, do some things that make your heart sing, and give yourself some self love. Loving yourself is the greatest love we can have. Start loving yourself and you will see more opportunities and beautiful things manifesting for you.
With the evenings getting lighter now, and the spring on its way, go for a walk, get into nature. While your out you might even get chatting to a neighbour with whom you may find you get along with, who then might introduce you too other neighbours.
Look online, maybe there is a local walking group that you could join where you will meet lots of interesting people.
You are in no way inadequate, yes break ups are difficult, but instead of thinking of dark times ahead, envisage bright positive happy times.
But start first giving yourself the self love that you so rightly deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): There are people who can help you.
You can help yourself!
You already have a support system in the form of long-term friends who you can contact via phone or through social media apps.
All adults have to learn to deal with loneliness but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help.
You could try social services for lists of arranged activities for example with older people and you may be able to help out.
Or if you feel your life has totally gone down the pan you could ask for some personal help from them in finding activities you could join.
Ditto you could try your doctor if you feel you are getting too depressed to take part in activities as there are a lot of self help groups that operate through the doctors as a service to the community.
Also you could be given anti depressants to return you back to your former buoyant self.
Then again the local gym usually offers all sorts of regular classes such as yoga, water exercises etc.
Making friends can actually be fun.
But if you find that most people are already "fully friended up" then you could volunteer with any humane organisation.
Alternatively you could just accept that many friendships are fluid and many people experience a lull or temporary glitch in friendship quota.
So don't fear the future because life can throw friends at you from time to time and you have to discern which friendships are viable and which are going to be a dead end!
You will find that there are a lot of other people in exactly your situation and you need to think about how you can practically build the future you would like, whilst being open to accept that not all plans work but many can be adjusted to work adequately enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2021): There are so many ways to build new friendship groups that I wouldn't worry too much about that - the opportunities will be there. What seems more important is your anxiety about it and perhaps a fear of rejection / exclusion particularly after your parter left you without explanation - that's a pretty big rejection and you will need time and to be gentle with yourself, before you can really make the best friends for you. That can feel hard at a time when you feel like you really need people around you, but it's best to take it slow and steady.
Do you have somewhere secure to live and money coming in? This will depend on what kind of groups you start to get involved in. There are different levels of friendships and some can be about simply seeing familiar faces though work and saying not much more than "Hi", others build up through activities shared together - whether it's further voluntary work, or a group activity like rambling, or netball or whatever takes your fancy. Find out as much as you can about groups available in your area, where the meetings are focussed on the activity, and then you can start to build up friendships through this. It sounds like your self esteem is really low, so be careful not to accept anyone and everyone as this is an easy mistake to make; low self esteem can make people overly giving and self-sacrificing and can end up with you being used, which is another reason say take it slow with people; see who is consistent, shows kindness. Give to others, but not to the point where you are doing all the giving. Keep yourself busy - exercise is the best route for this. Don't be put off by what you see on social media - that's usually an exaggeration and only shows the carefully curated, impressive seeming parts of people's lives.
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