A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with someone for 3 months, I must stress, it's not sexual yet, but we both flirt and it feels like something we both like.Recently she told me I was too full on, too involved in her social media and that it was too mucb for her. I always feel like I'm trying to do things to impress her. Last week she went out with the girls and when she came home she told me she'd only had one proper boyfriend, she was smitten and he used to abuse her, battered her black and blue. Would threaten the son (his own kid) and ended up stabbing her. How can I even consider that I'm not good enough for her when she's been through that? I'm too soft to hurt a fly!Anyway I need to know how to react and how to behave going forward because at this moment in time, she makes everything feel so right.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2020): Okay, you've gotten some excellent advice from the ladies!
Trying to impress a female is adolescent; and it's tantamount to showing-off. Take an extra-strength chill-pill! Be natural, and act your age.
Now here's a guy's opinion.
Maybe this is a bad connection. After 3 months you're getting complaints? If you're still trying to make an impression this late in the game, something's off!
She's already alerting you of her past trauma and her nutcase of an ex...with whom she shares a son! Red-flag!
This means you'll be dancing around her on egg-shells. Meanwhile, there's some nutcase-ex somewhere out there lurking in the shadows; and there's no telling what's going to happen when you finally cross paths with him. That's likely, because guys like that don't just go-away.
I really don't think you needed any advise about this. You both seem to make each-other uneasy. You're a grown-man, why should you need her to tell you how to behave?
Honestly, I don't know how you've made it this far?
Personally, I'd take a pass. I see drama on the horizon.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2020):
 Be you. Don't try to impress her and IF you like and comment and get all up in her social media, BACK OFF.
You can like pictures (don't go back through her WHOLE album though, that's a bit much).
But KEEP from commenting on stuff she posts, UNLESS it's TO YOU or about you.
If she had a abusive ex, she might be vary and overly cautious. Doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells but try not to OVERDO the "knight in shining armor" routine either. BE yourself.
And be prepared to go SUPER SLOW.
I have to ask though... you say you are IN a relationship, that you "flirt" but do you go on dates? Do you spend time IN person? If not... why not?
You both need to GET to know one another IN person, not over social media or other tech.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 January 2020):
 Reading between the lines, it sounds like your new lady friend wants and needs to take things very slowly. She needs to learn she can trust you.
Back off her social media unless she invites you to comment/get involved in something. Perhaps she feels you are being too controlling, which is how abusers usually start.
Once of the differences between men and women is that women usually need to talk (and vent), while men feel they have to "fix" every situation. Listen to her if she wants to talk but DON'T offer advice unless she specifically asks for it. Just try to sympathize/empathize, like one of her girlfriends probably would.
Stop trying so hard. Let her take things at her own pace. You don't have to IMPRESS all the time either. Just be kind. That will get you a lot further.
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