A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf split up with me after 9 months it's been 3 months now! The problem is we met on Xmas Eve last year and i'm going to find it hard this time round. I am trying to get over him but it's difficult when it's my friends brother!! I have contacted him once spoke to him and he said he wasn't blanking me i asked if we could meet up for a drink but this was 3 weeks after we split up and i know it was too soon! He never said no don't think it's a good idea! I haven't heard from since. We did part in good terms or at least i like to think we did. I know i'm going on here but i need to try and understand here goes....At the beginning he was attracted to me he out of the blew said that he loved me to bits but he never told me he loved me does it mean the same thing? Anyway things started to change in the last month we had an argument that i initiated i said this isn't working out then i walked out i have regretted ever since but it changed i thought we would get passed it! He told me his feelings changed towards me that in the month things started to change he also said he was not attracted to me anymore. I never asked him what it was about that no longer attracted him? And it's bugging me! I was starting college at that time and was looking for part time work when i first met him i had a good job but unfortunately it feel through it had dragged on for months he admitted 2 months before we split up that i was needy because i wasn't filling my day. I only got to see him at weekends because of his job. I don't know if he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. He said I am a beautiful looking girl. He also said he didn't have time for a relationship right now he is a bit of a workaholic but i don't buy that! What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): It sounds as if you were both very attracted to each other when you first met, but as time went on you began to see differences in one another, differences that didn't make you completely happy.
You tell us you started an argument with him toward the end of your friendship, that you said you felt things weren't working out, and you left. That's a strong statement to make to him, and even though you regretted it later, the damage had already been done. Keep in mind that not only did you tell him it wasn't working: you also initiated the row and followed it up by walking out. That's three negative actions, you know. And, it may well have set him thinking that maybe HE wasn't too happy about the relationship, either.
Then, too, you were going through a bad patch what with your college work, and the part-time job you had falling through.
The way you handled the argument and the fact that you say you didn't buy his statement about being a workaholic and not really having enough time for a relationship at the moment, didn't bode well for a longer term relationship either.
Please note that I am NOT saying the breakup was all your fault! But there were elements in the friendship that were not what you wanted (or perhaps what you did want might have been lacking).
One other observation: as you know, the idea behind dating is to get to know the other person, to discover what else is there besides physical attraction and enjoying one another's company. Its to see if you both have similar goals in life, and whether your values and general outlook match up; to find out how well you cope (or don't cope) when one of you has had a bad day, etc., and how well you handle disagreements. Unfortunately, it sometimes turns out that one or the other of you (but hopefully both!) realizes that it just isn't a good "fit" and it becomes necessary to call it quits. That's NEVER easy; one or the other of you is bound to get hurt and have to take time to see what went wrong. This appears to be what happened to you.
I know its difficult, but you just have to accept that its over and try to move on. Maybe you can make some other, fun plans for this Christmas Eve?
Good luck.
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