A
female
age
30-35,
*reocupcake
writes:I am 21 years old and never had a boyfriend or sexual contact or anything. Yeah, I've had self esteem issues. But realistically, I've never even ever met anyone in real life that I had any feelings for. I never met anyone that I was attracted to. Aside from celebrities -which I'll leave out cause I don't consider them real people- the only guys I've ever been attracted to and liked were ones I met online as penpals who lived far away. Many of the guys lived in different countries. I never met any local guys like them. I've tried to go out with the real life guys and get to know them but I still felt nothing. The most I ever felt at all was a friendship. I've been told I'm picky but this isn't true. I'm not looking for a certain type; those guys I've known online were all different kinds. I just want someone I feel something for. The thought of sexual contact with the guys I've seen in real life makes me uncomfortable. Even just thinking of having sex with a guy I feel nothing for and am not attracted to freaks me out. But the thing is that, I've had lots of postive sexual thoughts of the penpals. At first, I've hated my self and felt such anger for being a virgin. Now, when I realize that I never even met anyone, I am begining to feel happy I am. But it does get very frustrating. I wonder if I ever will meet anyone I have feelings for. On one hand, I'm worried about never finding anybody. But on the other hand, if I never find anybody, I'm much happier alone then settling for a person I feel nothing for. I'll say this again, the thought of sex with just anyone makes me physically ill. Am I the only one out there like this? Will I ever meet anyone?
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different countries, met online, never had a boyfriend, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, oreocupcake +, writes (20 September 2014):
oreocupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked this question over a year ago.
Still haven't met anyone but I have figured out a lot more than I have known when I asked this question. First off, I have made peace with myself and self esteem issues. No, I do not have a fear of physical intimacy! You are full of it! Or at least misunderstood. Right now, I'm longing for sexual contact with someone and would do anything for it. To be honest, I'm sexually frustrated right now. But the problem is that there's no one in my reach that I find sexually appealing. The thought of sex does not make me physically ill (the admin changed around the title). The thought of sex with the men around me does. At first, I thought that I had no type because these celebrities and penpals that I've been attracted to have been anything from tall blue eyed blondes to short dark haired men. I have consulted a professional and even she pointed out, she does see a common thread in these men that are different from the men where I live. I am attracted to soft, boyish, baby faced, sensitive and quirky men. All who are more artsy, liberal, more of the hippy vibe. Something that my town, where I've lived all my life, just isn't about. The men around here are all harder, tough guys who are all majorly into things like hunting, sports, and these out of reach men are none of that. I'm not attracted to the men around here not because of a fear of being intimate but because I'm repulsed by their traits. If I could only just meet someone with the traits that I find appealing, I wouldn't have this problem.
A
female
reader, oreocupcake +, writes (31 May 2013):
oreocupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add some info to those who replied: I do not have a fear of physical intimacy. I just never met anyone that I'm comfortable with.I am not attracted to those out of reach men for the sake of them being "safe". I have not trained myself to see the real life guys as uninteresting/unattractive. I've actually tried very hard to have attraction to them and it never came.If I lived near the guys I find attractive, I wouldn't be on this site right now asking this question. I know in my heart that I would still be attracted to them. I am not purposly going for guys I can't have.I've only had low self esteem for the last two since years I been around my grandmother all the time and she constantly calls me fat, ugly, worthless, ETC. In the past, I had good self esteem before and things weren't any different.I find Euphoric29 to have the best answer. I'm sorry and I don't mean any hard feelings towards the others but what you are saying isn't the case. It's just a coincidence that things are this way. I just never been lucky enough to find someone in real life. My question was mostly if there's still any chance of me finding somebody.I'm cutting you some slack because you can't see inside my head so you don't know exactly what's going on. And you never been in my situation yourselves either.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): I think this is shrink time because there is only so much amateurs can do.
The fact that you are attracted to people with who you zero change of actually getting physical does rather suggest you have a fear of physical intimacy but what caused it?
You say low self-esteem. But what caused that? That is really to complex to even begin to deal with online.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (30 May 2013):
 I'm sorry Cerberus but you're feeding the OP some misinformation that I feel obligated to clear up.Plenty of people on the asexual spectrum have a libido, feel a desire for orgasm and fantasize, plenty of them masturbate. Much like any other sexual orientation, asexuality is a SPECTRUM, which means some asexual people even VERY occasionally even want to have sex.Plenty of asexual people feel sexual attraction towards certain people, because like any other spectrum of sexuality, there are shades of attraction, libido, desire for orgasm, masturbation and frequency of sex.Let's take bisexuality for instance. Some bisexual people are attracted to men and women equally...but some bisexual people are attracted to mainly men, and some are attracted to mainly women. That does not in any way make them "not bisexual" if they have a "Spectrum" of their orientation, it's perfectly natural for all sexualities to have a spectrum and to even evolve and change as we grow older.So it's entirely possible that the OP is on the asexual spectrum even if she still feels a desire to orgasm, has a libido, fantasizes or masturbates. A complete and total lack of all sexual desire and feeling is only ONE possibility on the entire large scope of asexuality and is in NO WAY the ONLY way a person can be asexual.So please, OP, do not discount that you may be part of the asexual spectrum, just go to the site and explore the possibilities. The site can give you all the education you need.I also urge anyone, including Cerberus, who is potentially misunderstanding the nature of asexuality or anyone who is merely -curious- about it to go to the site and check it out. It's an excellent resource for all types of folks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): OP you are picky. Picky is not just having a set guy you only go for. Picky is also having too many things you won't go for. Plus you do only pick one type of guy, a guy who can never meet in person, a fictional person and never have to face dealing with your crushing insecurities with.
Online pen pals are as inaccessible as celebrities OP in the physical sense. Sure they may be a real person but in the physical sense they're fiction, they're a safe fantasy for you because you know the physical act of sex isn't possible with them.
I bet you thousands if the most attractive of those guys ended up living near you, you'd suddenly feel nothing for him either because the spectre of physical affection would overshadow that too.
You don't need to answer this just think about it. Are you a sexual person when alone?
Do you masturbate and does the idea of having sex with a man (or even woman) turn you on the point of sexual gratification?
Asexuals don't have those things. They don't get turned on by the thought of sex at all even in fantasy, they don't experience sexual attraction to anything.
If you do fantasize about guys, are turned on by the thought of being sexual with guys then it's more likely a fear of intimacy that has created a wall of apathy for you.
You see you do find guys around you attractive. I bet if you moved away for good, you'd probably look back and as a person completely separate of them be able to think "yeah, chad was actually pretty hot".
OP the mind is an amazing thing, if the idea of being touched or getting physically close enough to a person that it makes you feel exposed, vulnerable to the point of you having to face another having that kind of access to you, it will make any guy in a position to do that very unappealing to you.
OP there's nothing wrong with needing to feel something for someone before you have sex with them, but for you it's not just sex, it's also a condition of you actually being attracted to someone too. Which is a dysfunction.
You should go seek professional help for this. Understand OP you're not crazy in any way. But you do have a mental block you need to discover why it's there and how you can get rid of it.
You say you need to feel something before you get sexy with someone, that's fine a lot are like that. But how can you feel something for someone when you can't even find them attractive in person?
It sounds like the idea of intimacy with someone who can't be near you is the only way you can deal with the idea and enjoy it. You need to address why that is so you can get past it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 May 2013):
Dear OP,
Of course it might be that you are on the asexual spectrum, but you say you have sexual thoughts about people online. I don't know if that's still asexual.
Maybe you just need more time to get to know a man and feel attraction towards him. For me, sexual attraction sometimes develops over time - when I have more trust, I start to fantasize more about being together, also physically.
You are still young so it's possible you didn't discover yet what kind of people you find attractive and why. So, give yourself some more time for "research" before you make assumptions about staying alone or settling etc.
A little personal story: when I was your age (sounds like I'm very old now, doesn't it :)) I wasn't attracted to real men, only women. Only in my mid-twenties I started to develop an interest in guys too.
Now I'm not suggesting you might be lesbian, just that your preferences could still develop.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 Of course thinking of having sex with a guy that you feel nothing for and you are not even attracted to physically freaks you out, I think it is very normal for most women. I am a woman of a certain age and so far I have put together sexual ( and hopefully, human ) experience in all types of relationships from very lasting and committed to very..not so, with probably more men than it was wise or necessary, because, contrariously to you, I am ( or was ) the type that has no problems falling in love and even less falling in lust. But if I have or had to think about having sex with someone who I am not interested in ,PLUS I don't even find him attractive, bleah, pass the Peptobismol please.
It's like with ... food. Food is wonderful ,sure- but not ANY food indiscriminately ( unless you are on the verge of starvation ). I don't eat , say, liver , or stringbeans, and they are food too, of course - but not for me and the idea of having some makes me nausoeus , not salivating in anticipation.
It could be that you are born asexual, there's a small percentage of population who's like that, but I do not think that this is your case . I think that for you this has somehow got to do with fear. Maybe it's your low self esteem, a negative body image, performance anxiety, or having got somehow the message that sex is shameful and dirty, or maybe the fear of losing control over your body and emotions, who knows... Anyway, in order to not be challenged to face your fears, you have sort of trained yourself to see the people who could be possible sexual partners IN REAL LIFE as uninteresting/ unappealing, and probably also to block subconsciously all those you COULD find attractive- in a way you don't even physically see them, - because they are dangerous for you.
With the on line people this does not happen, because they are SAFE- they are at hundreds or thousands miles of distance , you know in practice nothing is ever going to happen, so you feel free to have regular sexual longings and cravings.
To get out of this predicament, I guess you'd have to go to the root of your problem, to see exactly from what distorted message, what dysfunctional idea your resistence comes from- and modify it. maybe you can do it on your own, but I think it's a process that needs guidance, so do not discard the idea of seeing a trained counselor / therapist for this issue. Not because people SHOULD have sex and if they don't they are freaks- because it could be a very interesting journey into a part of you that, I suspect, for some reason you have disowned / disconnected from.
Anyway, it is also worth mentioning that " never " does not mean much from the mouth of a 18-21 person :). It does not really mean " never ", it just means " SO FAR, in the very few years since when I hit puberty ". Who knows, maybe you just haven't met yet anybody who has the physical and moral requisites to attract you, and it would not be that strange . Unusual, in a world of super hormonal , hypersexuated teens- but not strange. So, never say never.. and good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 May 2013):
You're not the only one who feels this way. Basically you need to do what makes you happy. For some people that's being alone forever. For others that's finding someone who doesn't want sex but wants a relationship. Then there's the people who need a very specific person to feel comfortable with. Or you may not be happy the way you are and you should try therapy.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (30 May 2013):
It's entirely possible that you are on the asexual spectrum. Not feeling any desire for sex, and actually feeling a strong revulsion towards the idea of having sex may indicate that you are potentially some form of asexual. That's not the end of the world, plenty of asexual people still have healthy and happy relationships. I urge you to please visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education website and look into this possibility.
http://www.asexuality.org/home/
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