A
female
age
30-35,
*0ph1eR
writes:Cutting a long story short, I dislike alcohol a lot. As in, my dad is an alcoholic and my husband, wrote his car off drink driving and is a different person when he does consume alcohol. My husband wanted to change so he saw a therapist and cut down his intake. However, even when he only has one drink it repulses me. I don’t want him near me. I just turn so cold and I really wish it didn’t. He’s on a 4 day stag do at the minute and I know he’s permanently drunk by the way he is messaging. I want to leave him based on knowing this. But why?! Why do I feel like this. He hasn’t done anything wrong, but the thought of him drinking makes me feel sick. Please help :(
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female
reader, TryingToBeFree2023  +, writes (14 June 2023):
 I am the person who gave that long answer anonymously, I wanted to let you know that - I had trouble signing in. I hope my post was helpful and non-offensive. I have two fears based on what I wrote to you: 1. You or others will think I am excusing the alcoholic's behavior - I am not at all. 2. That I am pressing religion or faith on anyone - I am not. Religion is the tangible, man-(human)-made stuff, rules and all that. Spirituality is the intangible - the actual entity (for lack of better word) one looks up to as their Higher Power(s), the "talking" and "listening" one does to/with that entity and the feelings they have in connection with that. There IS no wrong way to do all that. That is why I tried to use the example of "hope" as a potential Higher Power.
I hope I cleared that up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2023): I have a new account and forgot my password, it will not let me change it without an error message. I'm TryingToBeFree2023. I, among other things, am a recovering alcoholic. I have been struggling since "06 and have been through many treatment centers and all that since then. I've had up to 22 months sober and this time it's 10 months. It's an uphill battle but I can tell you what has helped me and many others.Alcoholism is a physical disease. In no way do I condone or excuse behavior but it is not a moral failing and we don't refuse to stop drinking bc we hate you. We physically do not have a stop button. From a biological, chemical and genetic standpoint we literally metabolize alcohol differently. We burn through it faster and it takes more and more to reach and maintain that "perfect " level of drunk that is completely elusive to us. The addiction genetic could get switched on in a person five generation down the line and it could happen the first time little Melinda got her wisdom teeth out her junior year in HS, a year into whenever Brandon started taking Xanax for anxiety disorder or 10 years after Herbert has been drinking normally for 30 years. There is no black and white answer. We also have a mind that convinces us that we don't have a problem, we can stop "this time, "next time" we'll just drink beer or we'll pace ourselves, we'll only drink at weddings, we'll only drink at home... so on and so on. The first step of alcoholics anonymous is to concede to your innermost self that you are an alcoholic. "We admitted that we were alcoholic and that our lives had become unmanageable " An alcoholic has to diagnose themselves, no one else can. Until they believe alcohol is a power greater than they are, they will never get well.Hope is found in the second step but it's where ppl get tripped up. That's because We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Most ppl, self included had issue here bc I sspent most of my adult life trying to escape religious abuse. The last thing I wanted was to worship the God of my upbringing. You don't have to. I already believed in a power greater than myself-alcohol. It just happened to be a power that was going to kill me in some way. Heart attack by a heart weakened by drinking, pancreatic cancer, liver disease, kidney disease, complications from diabetes ii, walk into traffic, pass out and choke on my own vomit... take your pick. Of alcohol is bigger than me, something is bigger than that. Bill W and Dr Bob (Co founders of AA) stayed sober all their lives. So did millions of others. That gives me hope. A glimmer of hope can be a higher power.You aren't going to convince him he's an alcoholic. But you can step back, move out, kick him out, disengage, and love him from a distance if you choose. You don't have to but codependent anonymous is helpful
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 June 2023):
 I understand exactly how you feel. I grew up around my grandfather and he was a full blown alcoholic. The mean kind. As kids the youngest of us grandchildren were terrified of him. He never hit us but he was just mean and loud and yelled alot. I adored my grandmother and loved to see her but hated it when my grandfather was around. It was like walking on eggshells. My best friend was killed by a drunk driver when she was 15. My parents drank very little and I was allowed to drink a little supervised but I never liked the taste of it so steered clear. I vowed that I NEVER wanted to marry anyone that drank and didn't know when to stop. I explained that to my husband before we married. He drank when we went out for pizza, 1 beer, never had alcohol in the house. Great right? Then my husband's dad died. My husband changed...I'm sure he had a nervous breakdown but refused to get help. He turned into an alcoholic almost overnight. Not beer either. Straight vodka from the bottle. HORRIBLE! He went from a sweet loving caring husband/father into an drunken stumbling yelling idiot. It terrified me and made me sick to my stomach. The saddest part was that he LOVED the alcohol. He was not about to quit! He even began drinking on the job and hiding it I found out later on. I gave him an ultimatium..me or the booze. I lost. I left him. I just couldn't take it any longer. 15 years of marriage that he didn't want to save. He wound up dying of cirrhosis of the liver about 5 years later. Would not save himself even though he had been warned and warned and warned.
So yep, you have every right to feel the way that you do. People that don't know when to stop drinking are not cute or funny and they are not a pleasure to be around. They will make anyone that is around them miserable and give them a life of hell. I have so many horror stories of my ex husban that I could write a book. You can't help how you feel and I get it. I absolutely can't stand the smell of alcohol now and don't want to be around anyone that drinks. Am I going overboard? Maybe but after what I went through I just don't want to be around anyone that drinks. Too many nights spent looking for my husband and finding him in a ditch or getting a phone call from the police saying my husband was drunk and confused and stumbling down the road....I could go on and on but I won't.
You may honestly not be able to stay in your marriage feeling the way that you do. Have you considered counselling? You should tell your husband how you feel to make him understand how serious this is. I told my husband and his response was "I dont have a drinking problem..YOU have a problem with me drinking"...Yep...that's when I knew I had to leave.
Good luck...talk to someone! Seek out professional help. Hopefully your husband will love you enough and understand your feelings and you two can work something out. I wish you all the best.
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