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*ear auntie
writes: I have 3 relationships behind me. 12 years, 6 years and 3 years. There were various differences, but a common one was the fact that my partner either worked away or strayed. In March I met a wonderful guy through the Internet. We met, talked and fell in love. I feel he may have too much baggage to care for me. I have 2 grown children. He has 4 very young children. This is not a problem as I would like his kids too. He has been separated since October 2004. When we met he was terribly romantic and called and texted me all the time. We live about an hour apart so, it was fairly inevitable that we may only see each other at weekends, though he has been to see me in the week a couple of times because he was made redundant. He is a good dad. His wife does not know about me becuase he said he does not want to hurt her. Now sometimes he won't call me for 2 days and I feel like the "other woman" even though I have been to his place and know he does not live with his ex anymore. I really like him. He told me he loved me and I feel the same. I know it's crazy after just a month, but you can't plan these things, right? I would like to see this work, but I have resorted to taking his phone numbers out of my mobile to stop myself making a fool of myself. I have not spoken to him since Thursday night and my heart aches. I wish I had not fallen so hard for him. I feel pathetic and hopeless. I have told him that I need communication just for a bit of reassurance really. I know he has his own life across the bridge (he's in Cardiff and I'm in Stroud), but I can't let go. I just don't know if I'm on a hiding to nowhere.
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reader, Infiniterealism +, writes (15 May 2005):
You know what? You're putting all your energy into something that does not seem to be mutual. He obviously still has feelings for his wife. Even if his marriage is going to end, he's going to need time to adjust or he will take this baggage into a relationship with you. Sure, at first he was very attentive and sensitive to your feelings, but also, remember he was probaly hurting and was looking for some way to validate his manhood. He chose to delve into a relationship with you to soothe this. He obviously wasn't ready to put more on his plate. All his energy is being manifested in pleasing others. I'm sure he feels great pressure to make everyone happy but himself. What can he offer you at this point?? Seriously, find something else to focus your energy on, work on yourself and doing things that interest you. Get involved in something that makes you happy, good things will follow. If you chose to stay on this path, then be ready to accept being the 'other' woman in his life. If you want to be lonely and at his disposal then that is your choice. We can't change people or force them into something they are not ready for. Give him time to adjust to being alone, don't become his 'rebound'. It just doesnt work. Just because this doesn't work out does not mean you won't eventually find someone who is true to you and respectful of your feelings/ You will if you be patient and take some time to get to know that person. We don't 'need' someone to validate us, we can put ourselves first and not allow ourselves to be victims. Take control of the situation, enjoy your life you have, don't sit around and wait for him to realize how wonderful you are, if he doesn't, it's his loss. I bet if he sees you moving on he just might try harder to be a part of your life. Maybe by then you won't want him anymore.
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