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female
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*organa
writes: I am 25 years old. I was married for 5 years and I have 2 children. Men find me attractive most of the time, but I don't feel that way at all. My Ex always made me feel like I was not worth anything, and now I do feel that I suck. I have an awful body, and I don't want to have sex with anybody cause I feel that If I let them see me naked they will reject me. I met this guy that I really like. He is sweet, and successful, and smart... he has a lot of qualities that I look for in a man but I am not sure if I like him because he pays attention to me or because I really like him. I also find myself acting stupid around him. He lives far from me so we have long conversations in the phone, and we even had phone sex. The problem is that he can call me one day and he won't call me again, so I call him, and I feel like I am begging him for some attention, and I feel awful. I call him and I give him crap about how I feel about him and why he doesn't call me. I don't know what is happening to me. I really like him (or at least I think I like him) and I don't want to lose him but then I am acting all stupid and I am freaking out. He has shown interest in me, even though he doesn't call me but I don't really know what to think or what to expect. I am afraid of getting hurt, of him not liking me if we get together, is he rejects me once he sees me naked ... so many things...I need some help to figure this out.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): Morganna, good for you, hun! Go ahead. Be good to yourself and treat yourself well. Replenish yourself. After what you've been through...you deserve it. You will discover that, the more you love yourself, the more you will be able to give love to others and the more others will want to be around you and give back to you. This is a win-win situation. Loving yourself will ultimately benefit the lives of others you encounter, as well as your own life. As for this guy..ease back and just take it one day at a time. I seriously would go the 'freindship' route with him and don't expect him to give you your self-esteem..that comes from you. I hope it works for you but if it doesn't..you will find happiness, somewhere along the way. Just be happy with 'who you are". Take care, hun
A
female
reader, Morgana +, writes (7 February 2006):
Morgana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for answering my questions. The truth is that you guys are so right that it's even painful!!!... I am giving him an image of a needy and crazy woman... no wonder he doens't call me like before... so now... how can I fix that?... if I can fix it of course... should I forget about him?...
I am really scared that I just like him because he pays attention to me. But I know he is sweet and smart, we have fun talking together, and we have a lot of things in common.
Yesterday I finally decided to grow up, and give him some space. If he is really interested in me, he will look for me. Like you guys told me, I already laid my cards in the table. He knows the real me cause we've talked a lot, so now is up to him whatever happens. I need to trust myself, and love myself if I want somebody to love me, so I will follow your guys advice. I wasn't really aware of how much my marriage hurt me until now... so I guess it's good this is happening. Now, I need to find the way to heal.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to answer me. I really appreciate it.
Morgana.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006): I think you are becoming much to 'emotionally dependent' on this guy and it's way too soon. You run the risk of coming off looking needy. You like him because he 'validates' you and makes you feel wanted and desired. And that's a lot of pressure on him as well as being unfair.
Your ex abused you-he was wrong to do that to you.You've lost your confidence and you are plaqued by self-doubts. That's a very painful place to be. You have to heal, mend and learn to believe in yourself, before venturing into new relationships. Many of us carry pain into the future if we don't find a healing. You deserve to be free of the damage and baggage you have collected from your past. Too many inner fears are controlling your life, right now. Fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of being unlovable. The best way to get to know someone is not through phone sex and not to high-pressure date. Instead, take all the time you require to building a freindship with him. I think two people should build foundation stones in the relationship, one small block at a time, learning and evaluating each other. One can be tongue-tied or enchanted by a man’s charms but you don't just hand your heart over to him.
By having this need to call him, all the time..it's important to remember that desperate clinging behavior causes most men to distance themselves even further. Acting desperate and needy makes you look like you feel unlovable and that you're grateful this man is paying attention to you. A desperate, clinging woman doesn't leave a man a chance to long and yearn for her. She's so available he doesn't have the space to fantasize about her or miss her which unfortunately is sometimes what falling in love is all about.
Make yourself a little less available. Going through the pain without him may seem like passing through the depths of hell, but if you don't call him, you'll feel triumphant and confident of your own inner resources. In the meantime, instead of thinking of him daily, you need to get pro-active and stay busy with other things, such as work, hobbies, interests, good friends and loving family.
And remember, being truely beautiful has nothing to do with physical attributes. It has to with kindness, the radiance, and the spark of life you show to others. When you are genyinely interested in others and have a zest for life a passion, that you can bring to relationships you show your inner strength and grace. What will make you most beautiful..is your confidence in who you are. Build on that and never allow anyone to ever tear you down again. Take Care and be happy,
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (6 February 2006):
 Hello Morgana, well if I had a pound for every time I had acted stupidly around a bloke then I would not need to win the lottery.
Men we like make us act in daft ways that are not always in keeping with our true character but first lets look at you,
Your ex is a snake and im glad he is your ex, he was a nasty peice of work so lets put him behind us and out of the picture where he belongs emotionaly.
I can tell by the tone of your letter that you are a wonderful person, you have just got a little lost recently and this has knocked your inner self, you need to know that very few women have the perfect body and I doubt you are as bad as you think you are, we all hate the first time we expose our selves to blokes as we lay our stall out so to speak and this leaves us vulnerable, but how many blokes are perfect, not many I can tell you and yes they also feel the same about the first time!!
YOu say this bloke is sweet and smart, well if he is smart then that is why he is paying attention to you, but word to the caution, is he married?
We will assume he is single and available so lets look at what you want from him and him from you, it maybe that he just enjoys the phone sex and the odd time you meet and the odd phone call and this is as much of a relationship as he wants, you on the otherhand maybe thinking of moving this on to a move physical one but with the worry of how to do this and if you do will there be a future in it, well you will never know unless you bite the bullet and tell him you want a more stable and physical relationship, if of course in your heart this is what you need right now.
Do not keep ringing him and telling him how his not ringing you makes you feel, this just makes you appear needy and this gives him an upper hand, just lay your cards on the table, tell him what you want and if it is not what he wants tell him you need to leave it there, it has been good fun but you need to have a more stable and physical relationship and as he is not up for that then thanks but no thanks.
I dont for one moment think that you will have trouble getting other blokes, you have been through hell and this has knocked your confidence but you have started the journey to the other side.
Be strong, be assertive and above all else be yourself and love the wonderful person you are.
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