A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my fiancee are planning to get married in just over a year but I'm starting to have a few worries. We like to tease each other and give each other a hard time, its just part of the dynamic of our relationship, but lately I've been taking it to heart. Like when he moans about my clothing preferences and says it's been years since I wore anything sexy. Sometimes it would be nice to just have a break from the teasing and have a bit of appreciation. Is this normal in a relationship or is it something we need to talk about?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 Always talk. Use are planning to get married so you need to be honest with him about how you are feeling. Believe me if I took something to heart that my Fiancee had said to me I would tell him so he knew how I felt. If you don't talk to him then it will build up until you end up in a full blown argument. Always talk. Always communicate. For the record, he may have said it in a joking way but it sounds like their is an element off truth behind his teasing so you both do need to talk. Good Luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): Do not marry this man if he continues to bully you via these teasing episodes. He's using this as his way to grind away at your nerves as a form of one-up-manship. Get out while you can and run for the hills!!
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A
female
reader, Isolatedgothicprune  +, writes (6 May 2017):
I had a boyfriend tell me once that in his first marriage, he and his wife had a lot of this kind of banter and teasing and making sarcastic remarks with each other. He told me that his mother pulled him aside one day and told him that he and his wife needed to stop, because some day, these words were not going to be taken the right way, and it is very hard to undo that kind of verbal damage. He says that they did not listen to his mother, and eventually, their marriage fell apart, because the words began to eat at the other one till both felt unappreciated and run down and this was the only way they could relate to each other. They were trapped in the habit.
I've long remembered his words. He is right. When I am dating someone, and everything becomes a sarcastic comment, things start to hurt. I feel like we have been surrounded by a sitcom-like society, where jokes are the rule of the day [Think of shows like "Friends".] Everything is funny, everything is a sly put down, and soon, people are in the habit of one-upping the other with the best put down.
I think you and your boyfriend need to seriously stop what you are doing. These words are hurting you. They come out of his mouth, hang in the air, and find their way into your ears and up to your brain, where they stay.
Some people cannot stop. Some people hide behind a cloak of sarcasm and joking comments and then hide behind the excuse that it's all in fun, and that you have the problem if you dare to complain. I honestly feel like you and your guy need to come to an agreement that the put downs stop, and words must be used to build the other up. Save the sarcastic talk for friends or at work, but only say kind things to each other.
If he can't do that, then he isn't going to make a good and supportive husband. Trust an old girl like me. It's going to be a difficult relationship if the idea of "fun" is running the other down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): I'd like to add that any wise woman will choose a humorless, sensitive and strong charactered man who treats her well over a man who's funny and full of jokes and humor but lacking sensitivity and character all together. It's very hard to tell whether the guy is really joking or misusing humor and including all unacceptable activities and behaviors under the banner of 'JOKE' 'KIDDING' 'TEASING' 'PLAYING'.
Playing games is a strict no in relationship. It does not comply with the rule of 'mutual respect'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): Who started the teasing culture in your relationship. I sense some kind of imbalance and am afraid that one of the partners is putting the other down under the disguise of 'teasing'. If both of the above is your fiance, and there's a lot of deliberate, unnecessary, constant teasing, where one of you is clearly doing it just to 'give it back' in the game. While the other is using it as a disguised weapon to gain 'power' in the relationship, then you have to rethink whether this man is right for you. Everything is not a joke. And if someone's joking all-the-time, pretending like life is a jokebook, there's some underlying issue of insecurity, low self esteem and sort of a 'I'm a loser' feeling and such people pull their partner also into the pit. At first joking about self/a loved one might come across as a confident personality who can laugh at himself. But if it is present in every aspect of life then it gets sick and lowers our standard of life in general. There has to be a certain amount of dignity, class and seriousness in life. You don't have to be a Politcian or business person to do that. A normal couple will occasionally appreciate each other, take things seriously, strive to do their best in personal life and career. Let me be blunt here, some men try to keep a woman and family stay happy with low quality life and not-so-good treatment under the pretext of taking things light and funny. I forgot your birthday- oh thats so funny..I'm broke..hahaha let's starve. You are fat, your shape is funny, your job is lame .you don't dress well..your cooking is so bad, everything's burnt toast. anything can be taken as a joke. If you are trained to take it as a joke, he can treat you in any shitty manner and it's all humor. Over a period of time, you will lose motivation to do great things or set high goals..you will remain substandard. Maybe that's what he wants? I apologize if I'm wrong. My view is through the tinted glass of my own experience. I'm giving you this worst-scenario case because I've been there in the past and am a much happier and successful person now after breaking up from a long term guy who pulled me down and forced me to stay substandard because of his insecurities. I would definitely ensure my future life partner takes some things in relationship and life seriously, keeping humor and teasing only to when it is opportunistic as well as in good taste. That's a sign of someone sensitive, empathetic, confident and has self respect all at the same time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): Women are sensitive about their body and appearance. They take even jokes seriously. Maybe he decided to include something he really felt, but didn't really know how to get it across without you taking it the wrong way, regardless. So sometimes we use humor in an inappropriate or insensitive way.
Speak to him about what he said. If you are now getting sensitive about your banter, stop it. Sometimes you both might get too personal or go too far. Not to say you might have also hit a sore-nerve that sparked an equal comeback.
No more sarcasm; but don't stop teasing. Playfulness is necessary in a relationship. It's stimulating and keeps communication open on different levels. You can't take yourself too seriously.
There is a communication-gap forming between you. He may be hiding some of his true-feelings behind his banter. You also need to be able to listen to your mate when he has something on his mind. Don't turn every suggestion into an attack. That's also paranoia.
If I never listened to my boyfriend's constructive- criticisms and humorous suggestions; I'd feel he's hiding things from me I should really know. If something said hits a nerve, I talk about it then and there. Just to make sure he meant it as I interpreted it. Then I let it go. Only, I am the kind of person who knows exactly how to express myself; so there is no loss of words or intentions when I speak.
If I get defensive and hurt if he told me the truth; he'd lie to protect my feelings. I would be forcing him to withhold his opinions. Sorry, but I just can't wait until a fight to hear the truth poisoned by anger; and injected like a poisoned dart. Bottling-up his thoughts and feelings to walk on eggshells around me. Sneaking things by me to avoid an argument, usually will cause one!
If he has to disguise or sugarcoat his opinions, because I'm too sensitive, would be equally hurtful for him. Always tiptoeing around my insecurities. That's not how we roll.
No relationship I've ever had has been like that. That's why they all last! He wouldn't have to hide his true feelings if I was open to constructive criticism or helpful suggestions.
Insults are a different story. We don't usually go there! But being gay...well, sometimes we can't help that. We can't really bypass a blatant fashion faux pas, or stifle a stylish suggestion that might make a difference. I'm only kidding! Bitchiness won't get a pass. We know when we're being insulted.
Sometimes I do appreciate his opinion or criticism about what I wear; because he frequently asks me for mine. Honey, I got one hot dude by my side; and if he has any suggestion to make me hotter, I'm taking it! I'm not trivializing your feelings, I'm just giving you more than one way to look at this.
Caustic-humor is not funny when it gets personal. If he says you stopped wearing sexy things, it was just a veiled suggestion. I can't really see where it's hurtful; unless you just want to take it that way.
Choose your battles and mind your words. Hopefully he doesn't mean it the way it came across. Temper what you say as well. Sometimes you're hearing your own echo; because you also crossed a line. the harder you throw a ball against the wall, the harder it bounces back!
Stop these exchanges because you can no longer handle it; and you should make that clear to him. Suggest if he has a suggestion or has something construction on his mind; don't hide behind mean or hurtful comments. Putting a chuckle behind it to dull the sting, only shows a nasty side hidden behind humor. It even drives the stinger even deeper!
Immediately let him know when he's playing too rough. Don't let it happen, then stew on it. Then the mind plays tricks and will blow it out of proportion. Remind him that you're only kidding; and if it hurts, that's verbal-abuse. Call an immediate time-out!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 May 2017):
Under most teasing is an element of truth. It is time for a serious teasing free discussion for the two of you. Perhaps with a professional who can get you out of this pattern you have developed and on to a way of healthy communication.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 May 2017):
 If you've been together for years, even the funniest joke gets old when told too many times. Just tell him you need a little break from all the teasing. Or maybe just stop laughing at them, or tell him that right now, at this time in your relationship, you don't find it funny any more. He can joke about other things than the things that relate to you or how you dress/act.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 May 2017):
 Definitely, talk to him about it.
I think banter is fine in a relationship but I also think that some of the banter is actually saying what they mean.
And remember to practice what you preach. IF you would like more appreciation less teasing, then DO the same to him.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 May 2017):
 Yes talk. Always good. Call him out on his comments. For example, the clothes. When did he become the style guru for the area?
Just tell him to 'leave it out' and if he continues give him the cold shoulder until he gets the fact that there is a limit to your tolerance.
And stop teasing him. If you give it you have to expect it.
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