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*ky
writes: It's hard to explain my situation in short question. I am 41 years young. I have been with my partner for 4 years. I feel very lost and lonely.The best time we had together happened within the first couple of months. We had good sex for about a month. We were really in love. He was good to me, made me feel great. There were little bits of stress in the background, because I was going through courts sorting a matrimonial dispute with my ex-partner.He knew what I was going through before we got together so it did not bother him. We were happy, but it was not long before everything changed. I am concerned he drinks too much. There is not many days he does not reach for a can. Also I have told him it annoys me that he drinks, yet I am lucky if he gives me £80 in 3weeks. He says he has not got any money.I cannot understand him; he gets £250 aweek. I know he pays child maintainance, which is about £50, but when I ask him to see his bank statment, he does not want to and gets worked up over it!Along the way, I have felt desperately lonely, even when my brother died of brain cancer and my mum had cancer at the same time. I needed him but again he was not there. I do not understand him.Our sex life is poor, yet the first 2 weeks into the relationship was great. He does not like oral sex, he doesn't like kissing or parts of his body touched.I cannot understand why he is with me. I feel that I must have been just a convienence.As I seem to be just somewhere to go for him, and somewhere to bring his child every two weeks. He does not make me feel good. I do not know what to do as he will not talk. I have told him he needs help. I do love him, but he is getting worse. Please help. What can I do? ....THANX
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (28 April 2005):
 Ask yourself: Are you worse off with him than you'd be without him?Although your relationship started off great, it went downhill awfully fast, and from reading your letter, this man doesn't do anything to thrill you or even make you happy any more. He seems discontented too.You say that his drinking bothers you, he's not very generous, he doesn't appear to be interested in sex, he's insensitive to your problems and he won't talk about the difficulties you're having. Is there anything left worth saving? If not, I'd say you'd be better off without him.Is is possible that you're only still with him because you're afraid or too settled to leave? A great many women tell themselves "I love him and I want to save this" because they're afraid of changing things and are pining for what it use to be like. Men don't have this self-delusion quite so much and sometimes behave a lot more rationally in these situations. Men will just say "Well, that's it then", while some women will endure terrible relationships, hoping that 'Luuuurve' will carry them through. Let me tell you: they're wasting their lives. Please don't be one of those women.Everything that you've described - particularly the sex and his not wanting to be touched - indicates a man who is withdrawing from you... for whatever reason. Your sticking around and trying to live this way is only causing you - and him - pain.Try once more to talk with him. No accusations. No blame. No confrontations. Just pick a time when it's quiet and ask him whether he is willing to talk with you about the problems you're both having. Volunteer to go to couples' counselling and see about airing grievances to a neutral third-party. If you partner is willing to go, then that's great! It would be a sign he wants to fix what's wrong.However, if he won't go with you then it's time to decide whether you want to continue to live this way, or walk away and start over. You're the only one who can make that choice and you might have to be strong.Hope this helps.
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