A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need help to understand a meaning of a conflict with my husband, who is completely in denial, and not compassionate with me,..This is of-course not the only issue , we have but this one put me over the edge.. So few days ago I ordered a Starbucks beverage and the barista was very snappy with me from the start...Than my drink turned out awful. Cold , over watered disgustingSo I told her please remake it. But than she raised her voice and said.''I can remake it. but it will be the same.... ''On this point I got really mad. And I just looked at her , left the drink on the counter and walked out without any more talkThan she was yelling after me, , your drink is here, . .... but I just stormed out... I saw my husband looks at the with girl apologetic face and than he told her '''Sorry about this.'''. or more That is all he admitted to meI felt like a fool. that I tried to stand up for myself and my husband took the'' enemy's ''side...... So she validated her rude attitude toward me..,and didn't back me up or just stayed out of it,It hurts me deeply, and i tried to discuss this with him. But he still thinks, he didn't do anything wrong. and no big deal, This is very typical behaviour of him, I would say he never could stand up for me in any conflict.. S o never protected me...He is a conflict phobic, but not compassionate or apologetic about it. So i felt humiliated and let down, and alone..Thanks for reading this.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2018): Correction, I meant to say:
"I pulled the poor fellow aside, and suggested he use a tie-clip to keep his tie in-place. Pass it on to other servers. It will keep their ties out of plates and drinks as well. Easy solution."
Post script:
Since you mentioned this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. Give us some back-story and other examples of how he doesn't support you. I wasn't being dismissive of your frustration; I think there could be better examples, so maybe we can offer advice that could offer broader coverage of the problem. It seems you went off at the employee; because you were ticked-off and frustrated, and she just touched the last nerve. I do know how that feels!
Share a little more with us. Vent, and get some of it off your chest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2018): It all depends on how you deal with problems; and if you know how to use tact, instead of being tacky!
I frequently go to some of the finest restaurants in New York City. Even in high-end places, I've witnessed some pretty undignified and very over-the-top reactions to small things. The server's tie touched a patron's shoulder as he leaned to place a drink on the table. She went off! I pulled the for fellow aside and suggested he use a tie-clip to keep his tie in-place. Pass it on to other servers. It will keep their ties out of places and drinks as well. Easy solution.
Let me tell you, I'm not going to support anyone yelling at a server, stomping out of the place, or behaving like a spoiled five year-old. We are adults, and even if someone snaps at me; I know how to ask for the manager. I'm not going to lower myself to a verbal-exchange with a teller, cashier, or receptionist. I talk to the people who run the place; and I behave myself when I do it.
I am not always satisfied with service; but I happen to know that Starbucks is on high alert about how their customers are being treated; due to some controversial incidents that have recently occurred. If the barista snapped at you, why couldn't you calmly ask for the manager?
I've witnessed far too many over-reactions with customers and clients to give you much benefit of the doubt. I'd have to hear your husband's side and then make I would know if his reaction was appropriate.
What did you want him to do, yell at the employee, or punch her out? If he took her side, it wasn't against you; it was for the other people who witnessed your little performance. It was a cup of coffee, for crying out-loud!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 July 2018):
 Oh sweetheart. I feel your pain and your stress. Anxiety attacks come in all shapes and sizes and your outburst was just anxiety and stress surfacing.
It was not really ABOUT the coffee, was it? It was about having your feelings validated and about being treated properly.
Is English perhaps not your first language? I wonder because I have experienced, many times, how things can get "lost in translation". Sometimes people THINK they are saying something politely but a simple word incorrectly used, or an intonation in the wrong place, can make it sound harsh, hence people will react badly. Did you actually say to the barista "please remake it"? You see, if you did, that could come across as being quite rude even though I am sure you didn't mean it to be. If you had said "I am so sorry, I really cannot drink this. Is there any way you could make me a fresh one?" the situation may have been different. It's all about perception.
I find spending time with very supportive friends always helps me destress, especially if they are friends who are over the top in their support. For instance, I have a friend who always over-reacts to anything I complain about. If I tell her someone upset me, she immediately starts making "plans" to push them in a river or kidnap them and beat them. This is such an over-reaction that it makes me laugh immediately and feel better. Just knowing she feels as angry about something as I did helps me get over it.
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A
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reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (25 July 2018):
Your husband was wrong to take this girl’s side over yours you have the right to be hurt and angry. But the only way to get to the bottom of his actions is to ask him why he did such a hurtful thing. Perhaps he will apologize.
I’m curious is this a pattern for him? Or is it a one off. If this is the first time this has happened it may be the situation caught him off guard and he didn’t know what to do. If it has happened repeatedly then it is part of a deeper problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): Your husband didn't need to be apologetic to the barista any more than he should have been confrontational in this situation. She likely has to make orders according to Starbuck's policy.
Go to a local coffee shop next time. The service is more friendly and if you have a problem with your order they will be happy to make it over for you. Small locally owned businesses value your patronage more than do chains.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018):
Without knowing more about your personal background AND the history of your relationship with your husband, it's difficult to know whether you have reacted to this coffee incident in a way that seems excessive because, in fact, you have had so many experiences already of feeling unsupported and / or betrayed by your husband.
Different dynamics between different couples can produce the kind of response that you had. Sometimes, the woman can all too easily come across as "the bad guy" whilst her husband comes across as "the nice guy" but that doesn't mean to say that she or he is actually that way behind closed doors or even for valid reasons in public. It is entirely possible to be with a totally narcissistic man, for example, who cannot stand the thought of other people thinking badly of him, so he avoids any remote confrontation like the plague, but will have no hesitation in making his partner's life a misery in private.
In your case, I'm wondering what has led you to 'be the man' in the relationship. Is it because your husband is / has always acted like the female in the relationship? Is this (ironically) why you were initially attracted to him - ie. did he seem easy going and approachable and open about his emotions and so on and you thought he would make a good mate on that basis? Are you intimidated or scared of Alpha men and went for a Beta man instead? Beta males are well known for being passive aggressive and NOT the catch that they are sometimes made out to be - they can be downright selfish and manipulative, and have 'failed Alpha male' complex - but you don't always find out until much further down the line.
My guess is that what you would have liked to happen is for him to make the complaint for you, and to insist that you got a better coffee - not because you really give much of a damn about the coffee, but because you are in desperate need of feeling protected and shielded by him. My guess is that you have not felt that way for a long, long time.
Honeypie contradicts herself by saying that you need to stand up for yourself AND that you need to learn to let go of the small stuff. Of course, one can do both at different times, but quite how you are supposed to apply this to this particular incident I am not at all sure. Besides which, I think there is a deeper issue at stake here, and not necessarily one that you should take the blame for.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): I agree with you. Up to a point. If Starbucks or anywhere else is going to charge money for a service and that service (coffee, whatever it is) is sub standard then I think you are quite right to complain. I don't think we should just suck up any old shit dished up to us. Maybe you could have asked for your money back if the remake was going to be the same.
But as far as your husband goes, well I get how you feel. Being apologised for is embarrassing. He needn't have done that.
I don't think you were expecting him to suddenly go against his behaviour and stand up for your rights as you were trying to do, but just not to take 'their' side. Maybe you were a bit over the top (I don't know) and he felt rather embarrassed, but I get fed up with poor service and poor quality too and what? We're supposed to just accept it?
I do understand as I'm sure you do that in these corporate places, the staff are not to blame, but they could offer a refund if you weren't happy. Maybe a better way of going about it is to calmly say that the coffee tastes awful and could you please have a refund? No need to make a scene if you know your husband can't abide that kind of thing.
I know how you feel because I used to have a boyfriend who wouldn't say boo to a goose and so I always came second because he couldn't say no to people. He did say he wished he was more assertive. It did used to annoy me at times, but I did realise that this was how he was and I couldn't make him into someone else.
How about you turn it around a little? How about thinking how humiliated your husband felt? You say he apologised for you. Not nice I know, but maybe the next time something like this happens, take HIS feelings into consideration and complain in a quiet and calm way so that HE doesn't feel embarrassed and humiliated? Just a thought.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2018):
 It just show how bad a barista she is OR how bad of a choice of coffee you picked. Or both.
If you expected great product and service at a Starbucks... then I think you are overestimating Starbucks.
Honestly, I would have acted like you husband if I had been with you. Someone wanting the manager or sending back a drink to be redone.. well, you can DO that in places that SERVE high quality. IMHO
(and yes, I know some people will send back a burger at McDonald's if there is pickles on it and they asked for NO pickles - but that comes down to the personnel getting the ORDER wrong).
What I would DO instead if I were you, I would STOP frequenting Starbucks from now on. They don't "deserve" your business. In my book places that provide shitty service don't get repeat business, be it a store or online.
You already know he is a "conflict phobic" so why did you expect him to behave otherwise? You say it's typical behavior of his, so WHY (again) should he all of a sudden "stand up for you" over a cup of coffee?
Maybe he was a little embarrassed that his wife acted like the way you did over a $4 cup of coffee.
Why was the barista snappy with you from the get go? Did you take forever to decide what you wanted while others waited behind you?
I'm not saying she is not a fault here. She sounds like she shouldn't work as a barista if she is rude (which I'm not sure she was). Like anon pointed out, these baristas have certain rules & recipes they follow. Also, they can't serve drink over a certain temperature (to avoid getting sued) I don't think she went OUT OF HER WAY to make you a shitty cup of Joe. I think that is just what you get at Starbucks.
I think you are making SUCH a big drama over nothing. A freaking cup of coffee OP. Take a look at what's happening in Greece for a minute, they have wildfires killing people and you throw a fit over a cup of coffee?
And your husband? He is who he is, OP. He is not going to change. Learn to stand up for yourself as you can not rely on him doing it for you, you are OLD enough to do that.
We use this Chinese take-out place, the food is great, decent priced but they ALWAYS (seriously, ALWAYS) get the orders wrong. But the food is really good and the service is great too, so we still use them. Instead of being upset we sort of just enjoy the "surprise" take-out we get.
Is this Starbucks event REALLY such a big deal in the big scheme of things? Is this what your life is about? Taking offense to every small offense?
I don't know how long you have been married but I'm guessing it's LONG enough to know your husband and how he would act/react in any given situation. It should come to no surprise that this is how he acted.
Your post sound so bitter. I think you need to learn to let the little things go and find the positive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): I agree with the other anon. She was just doing her job and you sounded like you was stressed already, you must know men don't like confrontation, it wasn't his place to step in, I'm sorry but you sound like you can stick up for yourself.
Look at your stress levels and ask yourself is what you are getting upset really that important in the grand scheme of things?
If I get bad service, drink, meal etc I simply don't go back, plenty of other places to try out.
You want him to jump in and defend you, sorry as an independent woman I don't get it, not over something that is trivial, you over reacted on this occasion,it's as simple as that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): oh those starbucks coffees are awful so remind yourself to find a much cosier coffee shop for the future!
This really isnt a marriage breaking conflict.
Its just life so dont take it on.
My guess is they dont change the grounds enough.
Ive had this out myself.
You insist they use fresh coffee grounds and appropriate temperature.
But the barrista is not your enemy..she is just another person trying to do her job.
Company policy is the problem.
Some barristas get orders that they mustnt change the grounds until a certain time of day to 'save' money.
I would let this go.
You didnt have to storm out and the girl wasnt your personal enemy. Your hubby wasnt at fault either.
You could get your own coffee maker and make a delightful cup at home and/or contact headoffice to let them know they make a lousy cup of coffee.
Personally I would let my feet do the talking.
And if you love your hub see its not his fault.
You didnt expect him to jump the counter and do a commando attack did you?
I think you were a bit stressed and wound up before the coffee episode.
And I wouldnt expect you to hold a grudge over his reaction to your reaction to a cup of coffee
anywhere at all.
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