A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So it was Valentine's Day yesterday and my boyfriend said I would be getting a 'romantic meal and a surprise'. I was quite excited and made plans for the rest of the day to show him how much I love him which he really enjoyed (like horse riding and a personalised treasure trail and various other little surprises.) We dont see each other very often as he is in the army so I thought I would take advantage of the fact that he was back for Valentines Day for a change. Anyway, the romantic meal turned out to be stirfry (made from food already in my fridge!) eaten on the sofa with my housemate watching TV and the surprise was a not very costly Itunes voucher. Am I justified in being annoyed about this and how should I broach it so I can stop seething? I know he felt a bit guilty but doesn't seem to be making up for it. Also on my birthday last year I was meant to be having a surprise but that never happened so I had to decide last minute what we should do for the rest of the day. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 It certainly sounds like he let you down. I've been there when our expectations aren't met.
However, your boyfriend is in the army and I suspect that his financial situation isn't the best. He probably did what he could... and if his monetary situation isn't the best and you are expecting fine dining and fancy nights out, you may be dating the wrong man.
Although I do think you missed the point on Valentine's Day. What he did give you though -- and most valuable of all -- was his time. He spent the evening with YOU. He could've gone out and done all sorts of things on his night off but he invited you over and gave you his time, affection AND attention.
May I suggest you read O'Henry's "Gift of the Magi" (http://www.online-literature.com/donne/1014/) It is a short essay that I think will help you.
In this day in age, there is no reason why you couldn't treat him to a nice dinner. They say the greatest feeling is the gift of giving and selfless love. If you have the funds, why not take him out to a dream date? You'll not only enjoy the atmosphere but he may get a clue as to what you like and expect and eventually return the favor.
Finally, count your blessings: There were many people who spent Valentine's evening completely alone... and you weren't one of them.
Eddie
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): My fiance forgot totally that it was Valentine's Day. I made him a special breakfast and said Happy Valentine's Day. He was so shocked and had forgotten. He told me he didn't even have a card for me. I told him playfully he still had time to get me one. Too much was happening at work for him to get away to do that.I got a special card made up for my fiance and with Valentines Day coupons in it for the city were suppose to go to this weekend--his idea for Valentines Day. Well the weather cancelled all of that.When I handed him my card I knew he did not have one. But I know where his secret stash of cards are. He went away for a minute and bought one back saying he couldn't pass this one up and pretending to have bought the card for me(me knowing he had this one in his stash). It was cute and I was fine with the whole situation and not being able to go on our Valentine's Day weekend getaway. He said I am way to easy to please and kept apologizing that we couldn't go.Since he forgot it was Valentines Day and I heard no word of going out to dinner I made Valentines Day dinner for the both of us.Too much emphasis is placed on Valentine's Day and it's like the general population feels obligated to "have" to go out for dinner or buy something.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Wow you got more than I did.
we had plans to go out to dinner and a movie... we are married 4 months this was our first married valentines day...
guess what I got... my husband snoring in bed when I got home from work (well close to it)
I got my jammies and a salad on the couch for the day
I got him a card and he knew it before he left for work.
he said he would open it when he got home (and he did)
did he get me a card? no
did he get me anything? NO
did he take me out? NO
what did I get "I'm sorry happy valentines day" and a peck of a kiss....
am I mad.. no... not mad. sad and disappointed but I know he's not a big showy kind of guy... and it doesn't mean he does not love and want me.
"not a very costly" WOW so it's NOT the thought that counts... it's the cost of the item????? DO you USE ITUNES? is it a gift that had some THOUGHT put into it...
He's military... they don't make a whole lot of money...
BTW I can figure cards out fine... I suck at giving gifts... I do (I am really the guy in our marriage sometimes)....
the truth is if you WANT something you have to make it happen yourself...
clearly your BF is not one of those guys who can read your mind...
do you have an amazon wish list? make one... send him the link and tell him from now on pick one of these items... make sure you have low cost and high cost items on the list....
and from now on TALK TO HIM first... clearly he tried but his effort did not meet with your approval... I know just how he feels... I never make my husband happy and it hurts me so deeply to know that no matter how hard I do what I do to try to please him he's disappointed in me.
Think about the fact that not being appreciative of effort will lead to less effort.... no one wants to continue to do things for folks that are not grateful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): OP it sound like he's just crap at these kinds of things, like I am.
I suck at birthdays, christmas and other stupid shitty gift giving holidays. I suck at them because they don't matter to me. You think I'm going to buy roses and light candles because some people decide that's the day you're supposed to do it? Nope. Love is 365 days of the year, I don't need an excuse to show my partner my love for her, I do it every day of the year. When I buy her favourite chocolate on my way home from work or text her to find out how her meeting went that's me showing my love for her.
I called into my fiancée at work last week with a cup of her favourite type of coffee and chocolate muffin and had lunch with her, out of the blue.
Want to know what we did yesterday for Valentines? Sat in front of the TV watching American Horror Story and laughing at all moaning lonely women cry about being single on V-day on her Facebook page.
OP you can be pissed off he didn't act like an actor from a movie and live up to your expectations in terms of expense or effort, or you can accept he's useless at this kind of thing, that it's nothing at all to do with how much he cares for you and if you want some kind of special amazing evening organize it yourself. Why was your friend even there if it was supposed to be a romantic evening?
Look you point out flaws in what he didn't do or appreciate the fact he did try but is just horrendously shit at being the perfect movie hunk.
I mean for all you know all the things you did may have been annoying to him too.
OP you're with the wrong guy if you hinge how much he loves you based on his effort one day of the year. If you ask me you're more angry your expectations weren't met than you are with him.
Look next V-day just tell him your idea of a perfect V-day, make sure he knows what you'd like. The surprize and idea of him thinking of all this should not be more important than actually having fun that day.
I'm not putting down your feelings OP, you're entitled to them and they're valid. But I would try and change how you perceive this. Just because V-day is not important to him doesn't mean you're not.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Hi
Well you did get a meal and a surprise gift. How much he spent is irrelevant.Yes you planned an awful alot,maybe he felt he had packed enough into one day and was happy to just chill out after he'd cooked for you.It's one day and about romance,he didn't forget.As for your housemate being there you could have asked them nicely not to be, for one night.
If its expensive gestures you want and more effort, then perhaps he simply isn't for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): He's in the army and you don't see each other much, so surely the time he dedicated to you should have a much greater value than you've put on it. Ok, so it maybe wasn't overly romantic, but at least he cooked for you (who cares if the food was already in your fridge!!?) And spent time with you being comfortable. Valentines shouldn't be about money, it should be about LOVE. To be honest you come across as a little selfish and ungrateful, rather than treasuring the time you have together.
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