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male
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*omebody
writes: I need help from the ladies out there. How do I know if I can believe my wife will not have another affair?We are in our early 30's and have been together 8 years, married for 3 and have 3 kids (one is hers from a past relationship).I had been emotionally abusive toward my wife and didn't realize until it was too late. She had never told me that I was hurting her and I was just doing what I had learned growing up. I got counseling and changed the way I treated her and I thought we were doing well until she told me about the affair.The affair was with someone from her past (over 10 years ago) that she had never gotten over. She said she had been trying to find him even before we got married but never told me until after the affair was revealed. She moved out and left me with the kids and wanted a divorce because of what she had done. The affair lasted several months and they had unprotected sex each time.At the time she said she thought she loved him and didn't love me anymore. Now she tells me that she just said those things because it was too hard to work on our marriage and she just wanted it to be over. We have been to counseling together and learned a lot about why she had the affair and that we were both at fault (me for being abusive and pushing her away and her for not talking to me or being honest).Now what do I do? We are back together for the last 4 months after being separated for 3 months. She seems to have changed and we have both learned how to communicate better to avoid another affair from happening. But how can I be sure what the truth is?I have lost all self confidence and trust for her. I can honestly see a different person than the one who had the affair, but is this change for real?Can someone who cheated in the past be trusted to not cheat again? We work harder at our marriage and it gives me hope, but I am haunted with images and wonder what she is really up to. I want to believe her, but you know what they say "Once a cheater, Always a cheater"Can people really learn from their mistakes and act differently going forward?
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affair, confidence, divorce, emotionally abusive, her past, moved out, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2005): I do believe that if your wife really wants to change and is apologetic about her affair, that it is a good chance she won't have one again. I am speaking from experience, sometimes, unfortunately, it takes something like that to really make you appreciate each other.
Best of luck!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): I am also in my early 30's But my husband is the one who had the Affair. I know how you feel. I like you want to believe it will never happen again. But if we want our marriages to work, we have to be willing to believe that they will never make that mistake again. But man it hurts like heck. I wish you nothing but luck and happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): Yes, people can make mistakes and find them selves once again. You did it, didn't you. Family life is foundational and it's important that marriage is a place for compromise, integrity, and caring. Things sometimes get out of hand in families and emotions get raw because we do care so much. You both are going to need turning around this marriage. Trust is a foundations stone. Without it, your marriage will inevitably fail. You and your wife need some intensive marriage counselling to save your marriage and keep your family intact and solid, for the sake of your children. Stop dwelling on what she did before and start rebuilding your marriage. People sometimes do things they would not normally do because they feel stuck in a no-win situation: And if you were an abusive and unkind to her, perhaps she felt lost and alone. Try to find out "why' she did this and then learn to forgive her for her infidelities just like she did with you, when you emotionally abused her for years. Get to marriage counselling to learn ways to learn to re-establish that trust. This is not a one-year project. This kind of healing and change takes a long time. Also I recommend you both get some spiritual counselling (church minister)to learn about forgiveness and healing. Take care and I wish you all well.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): How do you answer that question? Have you changed your behaviors? Do you honor and respect your wife? Because it goes both ways. I believe most affairs can be prevented if we treat our mates the way we want to be treated. No less. So, there is clearly much healing to be done on both sides as I am sure she is asking the same question: "Will he abuse me again?"
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