A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and the majority of that time has been just dreadful. He started off incredibly sweet and charming, helped me with money when I lost my job and took me places I'd always wanted to go. But slowly he's just started to become very abusive. Because he helped me with money, which I didn't ask for, he now thinks he owns me or that I owe him something. When we argue he's called me everything from ugly and fat to backwards and filthy. I get called slut more than I get called by my name. I've tried to end it many times but when I start ignoring his texts and calls he gets angry and just turns up to where I live and forces himself in. When I respond because I don't want him to get angry he ends up making me feel suicidal by the abusive things that he says. After a week of me saying I don't want to be with him he just puts this act on and apologises and makes me feel like I cant leave him when he's given me so much. I feel guilty because he moved out of his flat to live with me and after an argument I made him leave and now he lives with his mother. I can't say how awful I feel about the fact he has to live with his mother because of me. When I try to break up with him he just demands all his things back like the oven and fridge because he threw mine away to put his there. So if we finish I will have hardly anything. I don't know what to do, what can I say to him to make him realise what he's doing to me?
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (4 November 2014):
 On Facebook, you can block people who are not your friends from being able to send you messages. It's one of the security settings, so you don't need to give up Facebook because of him. You should keep staying in contact with your friends on it, especially at a time like this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): I hope I don't come across as materialistic because I'm worried about the things he wants back, but it's pretty much everything I have. There's the sofas, tv, fridge, freezer, table. My things before were second hand because I couldn't afford much so he threw it all away. Some things were fine but he didn't want to live in a place surrounded by 'crap' as he put it. But I will give him it all back and try and start again, I know it'll just be hard. It's my own fault but he knocked on my front door and I didn't check who was there and he pushed himself into my home when I started opening it. I have some friends and family but they've told me many times to get rid of him and he always ends up back, they've just stopped wasting their breath. Since posting last night I've changed my phone number and deactivated facebook, he was blocked a long time ago from that but he keeps creating new accounts to message me on there. I think I was scared when I wrote this and just needed to talk, I'm gonna try hard just to move on. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I would like to also point out that I work and pay all my bills but it's quite low income I just feel he saw a vulnerable target with me a mile off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): The relationship is toxic, and definitely NOT because of you. HE is to blame. If you want a chance to be in a happy healthy relationship you have to close this door. You are strong enough to end this relationship and lean on friends and family as they will support you through it. If you feel in need there are plenty of support networks out there who can help you through it considering his nature. You can search online and find any in a heartbeat. Just remember to break up with him in a safe environment where you have the security of people around you. I was in an abusive relationship too, and it deteriorated in a similar way. Get out and do it safely.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 OP you said " I can't say how awful I feel about the fact he has to live with his mother because of me."
BUT it's NOT because of you... it's because of HIM and his behavior.
there are consequences to our behavior and his consequence is that he has to go home and live with mommy and grow up.
give him back all his things. ALL OF THEM.
block him on social media and on the phone...
get a small fridge.
get a small toaster oven and a microwave and it will work till you can get the full size things.
you are better off without him.
HIS BEHAVIOR is NOT YOUR FAULT no matter what he says or tries to blame on you.
you are 100% correct in wanting OUT of this unhealthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Oh my God...I don't even know where to start! Get out of the relationship right NOW!! To hell with the oven and the fridge and everything else....its better to live alone under a bridge and you'll still be safer and better off than you are with this guy! He's dangerous OP, he could seriously hurt you. Don't you have any family or friends you can turn to? Just give him whatever you owe him so that he doesn't have any reasons to talk to you or harass you and cut him off COMPLETELY. No apologies, no justifications, no closure, nothing. What would you rather have? A stupid oven, fridge and other things around the house bought with his tainted money or your health, happiness and peace of mind?
And how exactly does he force himself into your flat? Just call the police whenever you think that he's threatening you; don't ever hesitate. Your safety is paramount here OP, nothing else matters. Don't feel sorry for him because of the fact that he lives with his mom, that's not your problem. You don't owe him anything and you certainly dont need to feel bad for him
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (3 November 2014):
 You have to realise that things aren't going to get better. As for the fridges etc, they are just things. You can get more things, and with them you will win back your self confidence, and self respect. No-one says going will be easy but in the end you will be glad you did. Be a survivor not a victim.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (3 November 2014):
No break up is easy, especially when you've been living together. Yes, it will be difficult to sort possessions out, but it just has to be done. You can't stay with someone forever because he wants his fridge back.
Don't feel guilty. You have every right to end a relationship if you're not happy in it. That's how relationships work. He needs to grow up and deal with it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 You need to get out NOW. Give him the stuff he demands. Get friends and relatives help you get replacements. You are NOT dependent on this abuset. He is dangerous. Free yourself from him. Take the necessary steps. If he harasses you, call the police. Seriously. You need to take tge necessary steps. This guilt you feel is nothing but his manipulation. It is HIS OWN responsibility and fault that he now lives with his mother. That us not your fault or responsibility. He acted like an idiot and is an abuser, well there are (and needs to be) consequences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): I would go to the nearest police station as fast as u could let my family know what's going on and get the hell out of dodge.The guy is Crazy he uses materialistic things to win you over than abuse comes next oh no!I been through this its horrible don't listen to the words that he uses against you .You are beautiful :)Live !!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is not just toxic, it is out and out abusive! And your guilt is just a symptom of that manipulation and abuse. I honestly do not have the best advice on how to get out of this type of situation, but I would say if you need to contact authorities when he shows up wherever you are, you should. Get a restraining order (or the British equivalent) for crying out loud. This is not healthy, and will only make you more and more psychologically damaged the more you put up with it. Forget all the material things, do you have family or friends you can stay with while you figure out some financial stability? I really hope the best for you, girl.
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