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female
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anonymous
writes: im an 18 yr old who's been seeing a guy 16yrs my senior for almost 3yrs. i love him with all my heart but our relationship is begining to take its toll on me for many reasons and i don't know if i should stay or go?i know it sounds like a storyline out of eastenders but he was hired by my mum as a carpenter and we fell for each other straight away(although i didn't let him know that). he told me he loved me but i was hesitant at first coz i thought he was trying to pull a fast one, but over the next couple of months i got to know him better. i also found out that he was older than he 1st told me; then a year after that i found out that he was a divorcee of 7yrs with four children. he said he didn't want to tell me coz he thought i wouldn't want to be with him anymorI was shocked and stressed for a while as this added unforseen dimensions to our relationship, but my love for him remained.3yrs down the line i still haven't met his family, we haven't gone out on a proper date (in fear that we might run into some1 he knows)and i know little more about him now than i did then. i also have no means of contacting him as he has no telephone or fixed address. my family know who he is but they still don't know he's my boyfriend. he doesn't think i'd cope if we told them.i tell him im stronger than i look. he also wants me to move in with him and have children. i've explained to him that my studies come first right now.there have been many other episodes in our relationship where i have felt alone and questioned the reason for me staying, and i come up with the same ans "i love him". were on a break at the moment coz the stress was effecting my studies. i feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulder for now but i still feel under huge pressure to keep this relationship togther and see his p.o.v. even though he fails to see mine at times.Am i a lovefool??? should i stay or should i go???
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 January 2006):
 If you've been seeing him since you were 15, you don't have a lot of other romantic experience to compare him to, do you?
If you've never had a serious long-term relationship (a year or more) with anyone else, how can you really be sure that he's a good match for you? Fact is, you can't, because it's like comparing apples and... well, nothing. Or like having just one flavour of ice cream for your whole life and then telling people, "I love baked bean ice cream better than any other flavour!"
For that reason alone, your letter makes me want to run the big Red Flag up the flagpole and suggest that you give yourselves a time out.
My other great concern is his secretiveness and lack of contactability. After three years together you still don't have a way to contact him? Wow. Talk about control issues! He looks like he wants to control EVERYTHING. Incidentally, when guys do this, it almost invariably means there's someone else on the side.
Then, he won't acknowledge even your relationship in public, either. Why not? If he loves you, really loves you, and wants to have you only, then he wouldn't be embarrassed by you. Again, I suspect he's got another girlfriend (or a wife) that he doesn't want you to know about, and vice versa.
What really sounds like happening here to me is that he's playing on your relative innocence -- you may have had boyfriends in the past, but that hardly compares to marriage, 4 kids and divorce! -- just to feed his ego. He likes the idea of a teenage girlfriend, but not enough to make it his one and only relationship.
Honestly, you know in your heart that this man's dicking you around, right? You sound to me as if you've reached the age where wisdom begins to kick in, and you're beginning to question where, if anywhere, such an unbalanced relationship can go. Listen to that little voice. It's telling you something's not right.
Please don't be pressured by him to move in and start a family. That would be a mistake, because this guy already HAS a family. If you want to know how he'd treat the kids that you two would have, then check out how he treats the ones he already has. And if you don't know how he treats them, then you don't know enough about him to move in and start having children with him!
Yes, you "love him" right now, but I have no doubt that there are other men out in the world whom you could grow to love just as much. Thousands of men. Men who would put you first in their lives. Men with fixed addresses, contact phone numbers and no worries about seeing their friends when they're with you. Men closer in age and interests to you.
Give yourself a long time out from this guy. A year, maybe longer. Anything less isn't fair to yourself. If you two are meant to be, you will be, and you'll only be 19 or 20 by then. Plenty young enough (IMHO, still *too* young) to do what he's suggested. So don't feel rushed. Trust your own judgement.
Good luck, hon.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (23 January 2006):
 There is alot going on here. I think that when you are making this descision you have to be aware that things are not going to suddenly become easier over night. Indeed the prognosis for the foreseable future is of more hardship ahead with no gurantees of the outcome.
Having said that you do obviously love this guy and have a special bond with him. Love makes fools of the best of us. What you have to decide is whether you have the strength within yourself to win through this and whether you do go whether you will regret it. The easiest option is not always the right one. What you have to do is follow your heart and decide what is best for YOU not for anyone else.Good luck. Take care :).
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (23 January 2006):
 This situation doesn't sound right at all, and the age difference is not what concerns me. An adult male with 4 kids but no way to contact him? Something is going on there. You are young and if it was over with him for good, you would hurt but you would heal and probably be much better off. Stay away from this guy he sounds like he is doing a lot more behind your back than I even want to go into, it is just not worth it for you to continue a relationship with him. Good luck
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