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age
36-40,
writes: In this article, I wanted to say a bit more about my experience of anorexia. I’ve already summarised how my eating disorder came about, but I wanted to explain more about some of the psychological effects it can have. I experienced, and still do to some extent, some very troubling things, and I believed I was the only person who was going through anything like it. I now know that I’m not the only person, but it would have been a big relief and reassurance for me if I could have known this back when I was in the thick of it. So like with the other article, I’m hoping this might raise some more awareness, and help other people who might be going through this to realise that they are not alone.I developed some very strange ideas about food. One of these was that I could only eat certain foods, foods that I saw as “safe”. This obviously restricted what I could eat, to some extent. Gradually, my list of “safe” foods grew smaller and smaller, until even those few foods left became scary. Eventually, anything seemed scary. An apple. A piece of toast. Everything seemed terrifying.I was constantly starving because of not eating, and so I obsessed about food constantly. I thought about food every second of every day. I dreamed about food. It became the most important thing in my life. I would read recipes, and look at photos of food. When buying food, I had to read all of the nutritional information and ingredients on the label, even though I had memorised most of it already. I looked forward to when I could eat something, but at the same time I dreaded it. When I did eat something, it was like a sacred experience. It became like a ritual. I would be extremely upset if I was disturbed while eating. To me, food deserved my complete attention. I guess you could say I worshipped food, I held a deep reverence for it, even though it scared me so much.One very strange thing that happened was that I developed this fear about food going bad. I constantly worried that the food in my flat was going off, right before my eyes. If I bought a loaf of bread from the shop, I would worry that by the time I got back home, it would be inedible. I know it was unrealistic, but that’s what I thought. I just constantly worried about the food somehow getting contaminated.Because of my deep awe, reverence, and fear of food, I found it very traumatic if I had to throw any food out. In fact, I hardly ever threw food out. I felt I had to eat it, even if it didn’t look so good anymore, or even if I wasn’t feeling well. The idea of throwing something out...I once had to throw a yogurt out, and even though the sack was still pretty empty, I took the whole thing out to the rubbish skip outside. I couldn’t bear the thought of it being in my flat. I felt like I was betraying the food somehow.One of the very worst things that I struggled with as I started eating again, and still do, was the rigidity of eating times. I HAD to eat breakfast at a certain, set time, everyday. Same with lunch and dinner, and every snack in between. Even my drinks had to be at a certain time every day. It was a nightmare. If I couldn’t eat lunch at that particular time, if it went so much as a minute past that time, I would be extremely upset, and I would feel that I couldn’t have it then. I would have to skip it completely, because it was too late. This also restricted my activities. It made it difficult for me to go out, if it might interfere with my eating pattern. I had absolutely no flexibility about the issue. I had to eat the same things, at the same times, everyday. I also developed this concern of eating food the “right way”. Don’t ask me how I could eat the right or wrong way! I just always had a sense of whether a meal or snack had gone “right” or “wrong”. They very rarely went “right”.Another strange development for me was that food and drinks had to be hot. I mean red hot. I found it very difficult to eat food that had cooled down slightly, which often resulted in me burning the inside of my mouth a lot. Also, once I was eating again, I started to be concerned not just about the amount of fat and calories in food, but in the amount of fibre, salt, sugar, etc. One week, I would be extremely concerned about salt. Was I having too much, or too little? Once I’d gotten over that, it would be sugar. Then fibre, protein...Slightly off the topic of food, I also had this obsession with walking. I had to WALK. Everywhere. I wouldn’t catch a bus if I could walk it instead. I just had to walk.There were other things which developed through all of this, but I think the ones I have listed here were the main ones for me. I have improved a lot with these things, although I do still have a struggle with some of them. I think I wanted to demonstrate how anorexia does more than just affect your body. It also takes over your mind, and it can control you. It makes you feel trapped. Once it latches onto you, it slowly spins a rope around you, tightening all the time, making it harder and harder to move.To anybody reading this who may be going through something similar, please believe me when I say it can get better. I used to think that I was the only person who had these strange thoughts, rituals, and behaviours, even though my dietician said that I wasn’t. She also used to tell me that people she had worked with did overcome these difficulties. Again, I used to think that I never would. Maybe other people could, but not me. But honestly, it can and does happen. Okay, so maybe I am still not yet completely normal around food. But I am a lot better than how I used to be. So if I can make progress in these difficulties, you can too. xxxxx
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (5 September 2009):
 Hey Sam,
You really ought to think about writiing a book about your experience with anorexia. You're honest to the point of taking the person there with you and not many writers have that talent. The combination of writing talent and the personal experience make for compelling reading.
It looks like you changed your photo..(?) You look like you've gained a bit of weight in this one and you look great.
Cheers,
Jayne :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Star.
The foods I find hardest...hmmm. Chocolate is one of them. I won't eat a bar of chocolate, only boxes of chocolate where they are in smaller pieces, so you can control how much you eat better. I haven't had chips in a long time. It's difficult to say really. If I think it is just too high in salt/sugar/calories, or whatever, I just decide that it is off limits, regardless of what it is. I still get uneasy at eating food which has no nutritional information available, because I don't like not knowing what is in the food I'm eating.
There isn't any food I find particularly easy, to be honest. Or easier. I suppose liquids aren't so bad. So if I'm really struggling, I'll try having things like milkshakes, or cartons of juice instaed. Or soup, things like that. Less scary than actual solid food.
I've had strange ideas about food for years, even before my eating disorder developed. I actually think a big trigger was reading too many magazines, with all of the information about "health" foods, and all of the scares over certain food. If you read all of that, you'll come to the conclusion that nothing is safe to eat. I did, anyway. I tried to be as "healthy" as possible, which ultimately led to a fear of foods I saw as "bad". But the bad foods grew and grew, until all food seemed like an unhealthy thing.
It's difficult to explain really. But I avoid magazines completely now! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Sam thanks for that.
- The body is the sum of what we eat. If we don't eat then we die. By being the sum of what we eat, that includes our mental states, our interaction with others etc. All of which makes you feel worse.
I think you will have a normal relationship with food - if you want to. Its only you stopping you. All of those other people around you can eat and if they can...
what are the foods you find hardest? what is easiest? do you know what triggered it? (ok i am asking too much - but curious as always)
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses! xx
Star, the turning point for me was when I was nearly admitted into a specialist hospital for eating disorders. I had an assessment there, which lasted for hours. I also had physical checks, with worrying results. I had weakened my heart, which explained the constant chest pains I had. My blood pressure was extremely low, and my pulse too slow. I was told I could have a heart attack if I carried on.
All of that finally made me realise how serious the situation was. It was real. For a long time, I thought I was invincible. I understood that starvation was dangerous, but I honestly believed that nothing bad would happen to me. That assessment showed me the truth.
I started by gradually increasing what I was eating. It was absolutely terrifying, but I knew it was something I HAD to do. So I would eat something...and it was okay. Nothing terrible happened. Very slowly, it got a bit easier. I started to introduce new foods, and to try not to check the calories in everything. Like I said, it was difficult, but it's like any fear. You have to face it. Only by doing that will you see that it's not so terrible after all.
I was also determined to prove people wrong! Nobody really believed I would be able to recover on my own, outside of hospital. WELL, that was it! I took it as a challenge to show them all! And I knew that there was no way around it. I had to try. Otherwise, I would be put into hospital and made to eat anyway. It wasn't easy though. It did all take a long time.
As for what I still struggle with...I still have a problem with being flexible around eating-times. I find it difficult to eat in front of people. And some foods are still too scary for me to eat. I'm also extremely sensitive to any comments about how I look! But the sense of greater freedom I have now is a relief. I don't know if I will ever have a "normal" relationship with food, or feel comfortable with my weight again, but at least I know there is some hope to be found, not just for me, but for anyone going through something like this. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Sam - Wow - a great article. honest and though provoking enough to make us who haven't been there see some of the pain on that road.
A friend of mine's daughter has been voluntarily sectioned a couple of times (i know that's not the right word but yet my drift)for a similar thing. very scary and she was obsessed about exercise as well.
how did you start to cure yourself? the techniques and what is still a problme for you?
Star.x.
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female
reader, justme..x  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 Wow.
Thank you so much for that ... I am, in a way, honoured have to read that, realising how difficult, how AWFUL those things must have been.
I have never, and don't personally know anyone with an eating disorder, but I have know and understand a reasonable amount from reading and hearing things. But that definately opened my eyes a lot more! I think that article captures the mindset of an anorexic person brilliantly; the bit about the ever-diminishing list of "safe" foods struck me particularly..
I also think I can understand how it makes you feel trapped. Inescapable, lonely, but a NECESSARY obsession, perhaps? You can't HELP but add up the calories in your head. (i hope I've got the right idea here lol, never actually having experienced it myself)
It is a brilliant acheivement and personal step forward to have pretty much overcome your anorexia. I'd like to say thank you for the article, and of course well done - and also good luck to anyone who is also experiencing this. xxxxxxxx
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