A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm interested to hear from anyone whose been cheated on by their someone they love.. HAS cheated on someone they love.. or feels patient enough to read my story and give me their honest opinion...So I'm 27 and have been with my boyfriend for 9 years.. since I was 18 and he was 23. We have always been the best of friends.. he's been there for me through the hardest times in my life.. and knows me better than anyone.. For the first few years we were together, everything was great.. things were moving forward like any perfectly healthy relationship.. but unfortunately, due to an extra piece of skin I was born with.. sex for me has always been very painful.. and that affected the physical part of our relationship.. So for years, we have loved each other and been 100% invested in the relationship emotionally... but now I feel that my boyfriend may of been deceiving me.. and I'm not sure if I'm imagining this... I'm going silently mad over it!Now firstly, I'm not a possessive girlfriend.... we don't live together.. he has his full independence.. and can do how he pleases. All I have ever asked is that he is always up front and honest with me.. A couple of months ago, when he had said he wanted Saturday night to himself, I didn't think anything of it.. but found out the next day.. after he was seen by friends of mine.. that he had gone to the movies with another girl.. a girl he has known for years.. that happens to have strong feelings for him. He begrudgingly told me when we spoke the next morning, but mumbled it only because he had seen some of my friends there and really HAD to tell me...Anyways, because we don't have a proper physical relationship.. this has quite often caused confusion.. and so I sort of consider that we just have a good friendship, rather than relationship.. and that, because we don't sleep together.. that means I have no right to tell him what he can and can't do..... even though I have never been with anybody else and have always been ENTIRELY honest about everything...Anyways, when I confronted him, I went against everything I was feeling.. and told him that if he enjoyed this girl's company.. he should spend time with her since she's only temporarily back in town for a holiday.. and that I loved him and wanted him to be happy.. no matter who he spent time with. I was almost choking when I blurted out these words.. but I thought I was being fair to him :(Anyway, he seemed happy with my suggestion and immediately said he'd take her and her little daughter to the zoo for the day. When I asked him if he'd consider a relationship with a woman who already has a young child, (knowing he's never had time for kids).. he said, "Things change... you get older etc"..Anyway, I was very hurt that he'd spent the weekend with this other girl.. and during that time, he had been absolutely uncontactable day and night... it felt really underhanded.. and I was of two minds about whether I handled it the right way...Things returned to normal.. she went back to where she came from and I thought it was just a one-off thing I had overreacted about. But last week, over the Christmas break, he became uncontactable again. When I say uncontactable.. I mean that he was gone for 8 hours everyday for 3 days.. while I was working. I had tried to call to pass on something urgent to him.. and I couldn't reach him even on his cell.. which is extremely strange.When I reached him one night and asked what he'd been up to (he's currently not working).. he told me he'd just done "bits and pieces"... On the third night I was tired of sitting around dwelling and wondering about it.. so I went to the movies. On my way home, I was passing his house at midnight.. and saw a car pull up outside.. and at the time I was 100% SURE it was HIM walking out of his house and getting into that car. I followed behind for a while, but the car sped off so fast I couldn't keep up... it wasn't worth getting a ticket for..I thought I must've been losing the plot by then.. and his bedroom light was on.. so I went back to his house and knocked on the window.. as I always do at his flat.. and at midnight during the week.. I would have ever reason to assume he would be home. He wasn't. I then went home and tried to call him at 1am... and there was no answer.The next morning, he claimed he'd slept through the phonecall and of course it certainly wasn't him speeding off in a stranger's car.We've mutually decided that the relationship's not heading into any kind of direction after 9 years and we're taking a break... but I am boiling up inside.... I'm having regular bouts of crying.... I feel angry and resentful.. and I'm looking for ANY excuse to drive by his house to see where he might be taking off to.. or if I can find any proof that he's seeing this other woman.I hate to admit this, but I no longer trust this man.... and at the same time I'm feeling so guilty for saying that. These are all little things that I could've overdramatised to be something they're really not!But I can't stop my mind from going back to all the times he made excuses in the past.. and things just never added up. My boyfriend/friend shows me NO affection.. not even as much as holding my hand. The last time he invited me to one of his work functions was 8 years ago.... his work crowd doesn't know I exist... and there'll be random blocks of time where he is completely uncontactable.. without a real reason for where he's been... and I can only ask once without sounding like a psycho...This woman lives in a place called Wellington (in New Zealand where I live).. and over the past couple of years, he's had to travel overseas on business.. and spent many nights in Wellington before traveling overseas. One time last year, he flew to Wellington one night earlier than everyone else. I dropped him out the airport and he told me: "I won't call you tonight ok.. I won't call... I will call you tomorrow." At the time, I just thought that was weird...... I'm so sorry for rambling on.. I hope there's a few of you with the patience to read right the way through this.I would love to hear your feedback. Am I being absolutely irrational.. and I being smothery... does the guy have a right to take off with another woman because it's not a whole relationship? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
View related questions:
a break, christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Not my name,
Thank you.. that's good advice..
The point is, the reason I'm hurt, is that the way in which he did this was deceitful and dishonest. He has always been afraid of commitment with me.. I used to beg him to move in with me years ago because I was tired of us never having any privacy. He showed no interest and so the sexual stuff naturally fissled out.
But other than that, (when we were a hot and heavy couple).. the only thing I asked him for was complete honesty. It FEELS like he's been cheating because he has been underhanded and dishonest.. whereas, we were best friends even BEFORE we'd become a couple.. and a friendship is based on trust.. which isn't there now.
What I MEANT when I said to him that I want him to be happy with someone else if that's what he needs..... is I didn't want him to feel tied down.. I'm IN LOVE with him, but in my heart I know that if you truely love someone and they're not happy, then you have to set them free.... I was HOPING he would say he would rather spend time with me.. instead, he jumped at the open opportunity to be with her.
That was a one-off. She's not from where I live... and things returned to normal with us... but then his behaviour changed again last week and I just knew something secret was going on. I think what hurts the most is that he's been like my FAMILY for years.... he knows EVERYTHING about me and we've seen each other through everything. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else.... but I've told him that I love him first and foremost as a friend.. and even if we were no longer an item, I wouldn't want to lose that. I guess what I've said, even though I was telling him what I WANTED and WISHED I could feel.... has finally hit home.. he took it literally and has gone.
I told him over the weekend we should take time out and he agreed.. but that was because I was sick last week with worry about where he was. It's horrible to have those mental pictures go through your mind of the first and only man you've ever loved, having sex with someone else. I can't describe the feeling... it's like you want to vomit 24/7!
I understand my situation seems a little complicated.. I guess if you KNEW us, you would understand more.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 I understand and sympathize that you feel tormented about this situation, ... but you gave him the green light to spend time with another woman, and you also said you were 'taking a break' from each other and a relationship you both agreed was not 'heading in any direction'. You also stated yourself that you thought of it more as a friendship than a relationship. So unless you feel he should not be having sex with anyone as a condition of his friendship with you, then I don't really feel this guy is doing anything wrong. Sparing you specific details, is probably just to spare your feelings.
Maybe you feel he should be wandering around aimlessly and alone doing nothing incase you decided you don;t like him seeing other people after all, ... but I think why shouldn;t he be pursuing other possibilities given the situation? Comfortable sexless friendships is what old fogies often do, ... but not typically what young healthy people in their sexual primes opt for. I'm sorry a birth defect is preventing you from doing this too until corrected, but that is about the reality of it.
Under the circumstances, losing trust, whilst gaining anger and resentment is really unfounded because he is not doing anything that you did not imply was ok with you for him to do. Back track a bit and get clear in your own head that you consented to this - and maybe that will help dull the pain a little.
Being hurt might be more justified/expected if he dumped you and got on with his life, but your 'break' was a mutual decision so you need to try to accept (as much as it hurts) that you orchestrated half of the current status yourself. You also need to refrain from checking up on him at his home, ... not only are you setting yourself up for more torment if you see something you don't like, ...but it does have an element of 'stalker' written across it and you really dont want to end up full on in that type of cycle.
Maybe you should explore other avenues yourself, ... like finding a guy who WILL be affectionate, who WILL take you to work functions, whose friends DO know you exist, ...hey, how about one who is so committed to you on all levels, he would rather help you save for that corrective procedure than go elsewhere.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I'm really surprised at the advice I've gotten.
Firstly, so I don't terrify anyone ELSE who is reading my post.. we haven't had sex in FOUR years.
I honestly can't believe everyone has homed in on the fact I have a birth defect instead of the fact that someone, who I was otherwise in a relationship with, is possibly sleeping with someone else. It's underhanded and dishonest of him to be doing this (or so I thought). I did NOT think because I have trouble having proper sex and I'm trying to save up for the operation that I should actually feel worse about what's happened and realise I deserve it.
Can't have sex for years? Has anyone heard of masturbation? And when sex was an uncomfortable thing for us, we continued with all the OTHER stuff.. but he lost interest in that kind of intimacy years ago. I have always beaten myself up about this, but tell myself that we otherwise have a very honest, very loving partnership.
Not being able to have sex has really affected my self confidence and in a way, has made me feel like half a woman. This guy is the only man I've been with in my life and everybody in my city knows we're a couple that are 'joined at the hip'.. just no one knows about the sex we don't have.
When you learn to live without something, you really just forget about it after a while. I'm a 27 year old woman.. and there are times when it's difficult.. but I don't go around humping the furniture.
...............................
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 Sexless relationship has different meaning and different wisdom. Sex is chief element for relationship. So, your relationship fall under friendship. Sex make relationship a unique, and love make intimacy possible. Just as sex without intimacy is possible, but intimacy without sex is not possible. It is not proper to say it just only about sex...sex is element that make life some what super.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 I don't intend to be mean or crude here but there is plenty of good sex that you can have even if one major option is taken off the table for medical reasons.
It is extremely unlikely that a normally functioning youngish man is going to forgo sex altogether no mater how good and fulfilling the relationship is in other ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 Get the extra piece of skin removed. Have you even researched your medical options on this? You certainly can't expect to have a committed relationship with any guy in the future if you don't get yourself straightened out first.
...............................
A
male
reader, Nevz  +, writes (6 January 2010):
Why can't you just ask him. Just be straight with him for a second and ask him if he really minds that much (I think he does, every guy does). It's complicated, because every guy has his needs. Can't you do/try other things that would please you both. I think you have to ask him. If he is seeing other woman and if it is a big deal for him. The honesty of you both will make things clear. It might be disappointing, but it is better then false hope.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (6 January 2010):
99.9% of men cannot sustain a relationship without sex. Many men feel that they need to connect sexually with someone and if they are not getting it at home they will seek it out. We hate it but that's just how it is. However, it doesnt justify cheating. As a cheat survivor myself, I will also be the first to tell you that you can still be cheated on even if you are having sex everyday with him. In your case, you need to just walk away with your dignity. Giving him permission to to behave like this will only destroy your self-esteem. New Zealand is a first world country so I assume you have sought treatment for your physical problem? Either way, in future, for most men, love is not enough. They need sex too. Maybe your GP can put you in touch with a support group with similar people or men with impotence (I'm not being funny), because this guy has clearly moved on. Stalking him will just make him think you are psycho so let it go.
...............................
A
male
reader, Faraday  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 A life without sex for either of you is terrible: is there any chance that a minor operation would cure your problem?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): 1. Suck him off. A lot.
2. Learn to do anal.
3. Find his fantasies and try to enact them.
That way, you can sex with him despite the whole skin thing. Either that or dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): "extra piece of skin you are born with"
YOu have a problem leading a normal sexual life and you are only worried about it because you boyfriend may be looking elsewhere for sex?
Why not go to doctor and get it resolved? You have not written exactly what the problem is but I do know that small surgeries can take care of these "extra bits of skin".
How do define this relationship without any sexual component in it? Or even possibility of one? How can anyone, man or woman, be content not having sex ever? I would answer these fundamental questions instead of figuring out whether he is lying or not.
Go to a gynaec!
...............................
|
