A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:The physical component of my marriage is non-existent. My wife is a child abuse survivor. She is very kind and sweet and a great mother but has no respect for men. Years ago, I explained to her that her reactions to my physical ovetures caused me to feel like a perpetrator. In an effort to give her the control she lost as a child, I stated that I would wait for her to initiate anything physical. I have waited many years now and have seen even simple physical interaction wither and die. She has turned all of her energies and attention towards the children. While my dear wife sees no loss in this component of our marriage being gone, I feel like a dying man starving for affection. I am afraid that one day someone will offer a morsel of affection and that will be the end of my marriage. We have been to counseling for most our our marriage but nothing ever seems to come of it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (15 February 2010):
 I am glad to hear that you are a praying man.
God gave you the desires that you are struggling with... he also gave you the responsibility as the head of the house. As you said, you are considering just shutting up and accepting things as they are.
Prayer alone is very powerful... but listening to God's response is a necessary component of prayer. It is easy for us to pour out our grievances, pain and supplications, but we also have to shut up and listen to his responses when we pray.
Are you giving God a chance to speak to you or do you do like I frequently do and wail and moan then say amen and wait for God to fix it? Then wail and moan some more because we don't see the outcome we want.
Try prayer this way. Dear God, Please forgive me my sins, please show me the flaws in me that You would have me fix and please help me to be the man You created me to be. (Be quiet and listen, give God a chance to speak to you.)Father, You created man to love his wife both emotionally and sexually, you created marriage and sexual desire. All the needs and desires that I have for my wife were given by You to be a gift. For my wife because of her past pain they are not felt as gifts but as something twisted and dirty. Father, I pray for my wife that You will give her a desire to seek healing so that we can enjoy the gift You intend for us, I pray for myself that You will give me the strength and wisdom to lead us lovingly to the place I know You desire us to be. God, what should I do first? (Stop and listen tune out other thoughts.)God You know my fears and vulnerablities, please stay close to me and protect my marriage from any temptations, please guard my actions that I may never turn away from You and Your plan for our healing. Thank you God, I know from Your Word, in the Bible that I am asking in accordance with Your will because You created me to lead and to love my wife, you created sex and marriage... this is of Your design and for You God nothing is impossible. Thank You God. In Christ Name I pray. AMEN
Prayer is conversation with God not a one-way event. You have to be somewhere you can tune everyone and everything out except you and God. For me this is in a dark closet with my ears plugged. Conversation requires you to pause and listen to the other "person". You don't know what God wants you to do until you let Him speak so pray just like real conversation... talk, listen, talk, listen...
You can also "hear" His response in the Bible and from other Christians. The Bible says your desires are right and true for your wife. The Bible also says that you are to be the leader, so although your discouragement is understandable it cannot be God's answer. Everything has to match up... your answers have to match the Bible's answers to be from God.
I will add my prayers to yours. Jesus said, "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst." Matthew 18:20
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): If you can't make headway with her in any other way, this might help:
She is showing your children this kind of marriage. By living this way, she is telling them "This is how adults act. Boys should act like this man, and girls should want to find a boy like him. Girls should act like this woman and boys should want to find a girl like her."
Children do not understand that their parents might live one way and still think another way would be better. That is grownup adult thinking that can only happen many years after the original deeper-ingrained ideas are already set in the kids.
Kids only know to learn from what they are raised with, whether it's right or wrong. They can't be told anything different, they can only be shown it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Thank you all for your input. I find myself at a point where any action or approach has already been tried and the fear of another rejection is just too much to make the attempt. My current thought is to shut up and just accept the situation as it is, but that could be a victim mentality. I feel like a second generation victim of my wife's abusers. It is such a trap. If I talk to her about things it causes her pain, if I do nothing it causes her pain. No matter what I'm sliding down a slope that will end in more pain. Someone mentioned prayer and I've been doing that for a very long time with no miracle. Thank you again. Your input has helped me understand that I'm not as insane as I have been led to believe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): She may likely not want to fix her issues, and is more comfortable having the "control" she didn't have as a child. SHe has developed a mind set years before you were married that not being in control means she is opening herself up to being hurt once again. This pretty much says it all.."We have been to counseling for most our our marriage but nothing ever seems to come of it." Counseling ONLY WORKS if the person(s) want it to work and want to change. She doesn't, And by now she has developed this mind set into a life long behavior! You should NOT be paying your life in punishment for what she went thru as a child. She is wrong for that. You have every right to and deserve a "complete marriage" in all respects despite whatever your wife thinks. Sit down and have a open honest communication with her. Neither accept guilt nor cast blame but discuss it completely openly and honestly. If she refuses to listen, You have your answer.Do not krap away your life. Yes your kids are very very important,, and so are you! Your kids are not dumb,, they see what kind of relationship you and your wife has. YOU really want to ingrain this type of behavior as "normal" in your childrens lives ??You will be better off and happier with a woman who truly loves you in ALL ways and is not afraid to show it. Your children will be happier and have a better chance with "normal adult relationships" if they are raised in relationships where they can experience it.Trust me they may not verbalize to you and your wife about this disfunctional relationship,, BUT they do see and understand it. If she doesn't change, You need to live your LIFE regardless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): You cannot 'pay' for the rest of your life for something that happened to your wife. As tough as this sounds at some point she has to take responsibility - not for what happened of course - but for her choices in terms of her response to it. She is burying her pain and has created a wall. You are one side she is the other. Whilst it is completely understandable it will not bring you happiness and you are not to blame. Honour your own life. You are obviously a very loyal and decent man and now you need to be very honest.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 Louise Hay is a well known author and a child abuse survivor. Her book, You can heal your life, has saved people's lives. I myself find her book very inspiring. Even if it doesn't help your wife, it could definitely help you.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 February 2010):
Show her your post here. Your concerns are very legitimate. You definitely should be concerned that you might stray under the right circumstances. You are in a very vulnerable position.
As much as it likely feels like she does not love you, don't believe that. Men and women express love very differently for the most part. And adding past abuse that I assume was sexual, that really warps our perspective on expressing love. To her love is NOT sexual, it is exactly the opposite.
You probably know all this and are frustrated because understanding just leaves you feeling powerless in the face of your own needs.
She needs to understand how serious this really is... your feelings and needs are obviously pushing you to a state of urgency for you to give in and post for advice. It may require you to lovingly but very firmly start pushing for progress. She likely needs specific therapy to address the sexual abuse.
I carried some of the same issues to my marriage... and I didn't get it (his needs) until it was too late. It is much more loving and kind to be bluntly honest than to devastate her with an affair or divorce.
Sometimes women get it easier if you are emotionally vulnerable in the same way you expect her to be sexually vulnerable. Try changing your language and learning how to truly express your emotions- most men don't understand this kind of intimacy easily. (Just as many women struggle with sexual intimacy.)
Say things like, "It hurts me deeply..." "When we make love, I feel loved and secure." "Sex makes me feel like you REALLY love me and that we aren't just roommates or friends." Make sure you are expressing it lovingly and making eye contact and possibly physical touch... but with absolutely no expectation of sex. She will feel manipulated if it comes across as pressure... which then destroys the emotional connection. She has to want the change too.
You have to learn to express the emotion and build that deep emotional connection FIRST so that the sex is a natural express of that because of her past history this is extremely vital that the emotion come through vividly so that the sex doesn't seem dirty and like she is being used.
You love your wife, but you are hurting, you are concerned about your vulnerablity and you haven't strayed. I admire you for seeking help. Don't sit on this it will only get worse unaddressed.
Don't give up on your marriage. You can save this. You just might need to pray, get educated and devise a plan. Don't give up on your needs but don't compromise on right and wrong to get them met or you will ALL be immeasurably hurt by the alternative.
Check out "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley or go to marriagebuilders.com for help. The website also explains how affairs happen... might be an important eye opener for you and your wife.
God Bless your efforts.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 February 2010):
Everybody has chosen a path to learn lessons in life. It seems to be that her main goal in life is to survive a painful abuse. To do more than that is too much. You on the other hand, wants to connect with a woman not only sexually but spiritually. Ending the marriage would make her point the finger against you as the bad guy. Unless you prayed and a miracle happens you are going to starve to death. You two are walking two directions. If you part ways with her I believe you would be a much happier person. She has not healed properly. She had to get rid of all that junk before she could open herself up to love. When people heal they had to face the pain again. Some people commit suicide when forced to remember past pain. So they think it's better to numb themselves. I am afraid to give advice here. She can be extremely fragile. You chose to marry her. So what lesson are you giving yourself here? A challenge to stay chaste or to live guilt free and be yourself?
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