A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello I am a woman in my late 20's who has been married for 2 years. I have a problem and don't know how to handle it. My husband back when we were first dating over 4 years ago had cheated on me with a woman he was friends with at a drunken party. They had kissed and touched each other but that was as far as it had gone.Because they weren't really in the right state of mind and it didn't go that far, I was able to forgive and forget. My husband (who was just my boyfriend at that time when this happened) really made it up to me and cut all contact with this woman even though they were friends before the cheating happened. We have since got married and everything. Nothing weird has happened until Christmas Day. The woman sent my husband a merry Christmas text message that I saw pop up on his phone. I didn't look in his phone but I just saw the message and that it was from her. My husband didn't mention it and I never asked about it. But last night I saw her name pop up on his phone with a text message while he was asleep. I did not see what the message was. He has never mentioned it. Probably because he thinks I will get upset. I don't think he's cheating, but is in contact with her. I've never looked in his phone so I don't know anything, just that she has texted him. It bothers me but I don't know how to bring it up. What should I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 January 2017):
 Can I ask what happened? Did you talk to him about it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017): I would have at least tried to look at the messages before bringing this up with him. Reason is, if he is cheating or getting ready to cheat with this girl, the moment you bring it up he will be able to cover his tracks and delete the messages.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, I would definitely find a way to read those messages, go through his phone a bit. Hey you've got reason to be upset and suspicious given the history. He shouldn't be texting her at all, and the fact that he is sends a major red flag. I understand why you forgave him the first time, but he is now playing with fire.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2017):
 I think the sooner you bring it up, the better.
Just be honest and straight forward. I saw XX name on a couple of text you received. I feel it goes against the agreement we had back in the day. While I have forgiven YOU for the cheating, this tears into my heart that you are back in contact with her.
I don't understand why you think hiding it from me is the way to go. My feelings are MORE deeply hurt because you rather STAY in contact with her and hide it, than BE honest and BLOCK her number.
She isn't a friend. She hasn't popped up because she wants to be friends again. She is trying to re-kindle some attention for whatever purpose 4 YEARS later.
Are you sure, OP that she has ONLY recently gotten back in contact? If so, it shouldn't be hard for him to let her know that he will be blocking her.
And maybe you need to ask HIM to put the shoe on the other foot. ASK him straight out, HOW would you FEEL if this was a guy I had fooled around with and CHEATED on YOU with and now we are back in contact?
Talk to him calmly and try not to cry, just state the facts.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 I saw you received two messages from (insert name) on your phone. Three things oh dear husband of MINE:
1. Considering who she is, why have you chosen to keep this from me
2. Show meI want to read the content, like NOW
3. If you have deleted them- WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM
Once you have the answers you are satisfied with. have him call her on loud speaker and tell her she needs to respect his marriage, wife and request not to contact him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): Here is a brutally honest answer. One text message might be a fluke. But two? NO. And let's also figure time of day into it with the second text. Your husband was asleep when she texted? So, it was late at night I assume? Which would be a prime time to text anyone in secret or who already has a spouse. Late at night. Maybe, just maybe, your husband might have engaged in a full on conversation with her, had he been awake. And do you know if he has been having other conversations with her late at night while you were sleeping? Maybe this is the time she texts him so that you won't know what is happening? So, think about these points. I should know. I am a mistress myself.I will give you my honest opinion based on experience. It is rare for any woman to text a man without the man being receptive to her in some way. So, the man must have opened the door to her. He must have made her feel comfortable enough to text him. Especially late at night. The timing is key. If I were you, I would have snooped to see if he responded and what his responses were. Were they above board? Did he tell her not to text him? Did he just ignore her texts? It is best if you look because I can guarantee you IF you confront him and he is up to no good, he will explain it away to you. Make up a story. A lie or two to cover his tracks. He does not want you to know about his involvement with her, IF he is involved with her.So, I don't think you should ask at all. Maybe hang back and investigate on your own. If you tell him, you are giving him ammo to lie to you and to cover his tracks better. Ok?Quiet for now. Follow his actions. And if you can, YES, look on his phone. That is the only way you will know the truth. You deserve to know the truth but most importantly you deserve peace of mind. Cheating men will NEVER tell you the TRUTH. Even if they are caught!I am not saying he is up to no good but there is a RED FLAG here. The one thing that is fishy is why is she in contact with him if he cut her out of his life four years ago? And yes, this is a person to worry about if he already cheated on you with her. Spider senses tingling from now on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): Well as far as I would be concerned this constitutes cheating . He promised to block her number and lied to you ! How is there any other way to address this except to calmly alert him to the fact that you are now aware he lied and that it time for him to pack his bags . He obviously wants to hear from her
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A
female
reader, Rinders  +, writes (5 January 2017):
I'm sure you're feeling really confused at the moment about this. It must've taken a lot to have put his previous indiscretion with this woman behind you, and gone on to marry him. What a shock then to see her name pop up when you're least expecting it...it must really have knocked you.
I think that you do need to talk to him about it, otherwise it will eat away at you. Just say what you've said here - that you've seen a message pop up on his phone a couple of times and that you're feeling hurt and confused as you thought he'd cut all contact.
Keep your eyes open - if he is cheating he will say the bare minimum he thinks he'll be able to get away with, or he'll deflect the blame on to you - checking his phone etc. Don't be afraid to tackle it though. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 January 2017):
 Tell your husband what you said here: I saw 2 messages from that woman whom you were supposed to be no contact. You said nothing, perhaps not to upset me but fact of the matter is that I am upset. By no contact, I mean sending and receiving. Why are you receiving if you aren't supposed to be sending? Can you go absolute no contact?
See how he reacts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): You're no longer his girlfriend. You are now his wife. Be straightforward and ask your husband, if he is still in-contact with that woman? You owe him no explanation why you should ask, you haven't done anything wrong; and you're not the one who has to explain themselves. He obviously has not discouraged the messages, or she wouldn't have sent another.He will ask you why? Insist on his response first; then you must be honest, and tell him exactly what you've seen and how. There are many serious responsibilities that come with being married. It is a commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly, and there is absolutely no room for distrust. There is no excuse for withholding truth from your spouse, and there should be no other people making contact without the knowledge and full-disclosure to your spouse. Even if they would get upset. They have the right to offer their opinion and feelings about it. The only real reason not to expose the truth is to hide it. Usually for selfish reasons, or deception. This is not acceptable in a marriage. Under no circumstances. You're partners, and all is shared. Secrets are minimal, and trust is earned.You didn't intentionally snoop, I will take your word for that; but it doesn't really matter if you did. The circumstances outed the truth all the same.If he denies it, then you'll know he's lying. Confront him on the spot about what you know. If he is honest, and just admits it was because he didn't want to upset you; then tell him bluntly that hiding things from you and not being honest upsets you more. There is no marriage without trust. You can't run an engine without fuel, and you can't run a marriage without trust. Once it's lost, it's hard to get it back; and even harder to give it again. There will always be that nagging doubt that stains and poisons your love. You become insecure in your forgiveness. You give forgiveness because love is hard to find and let go of; but trust is needed to keep the love alive. This is someone he nearly cheated with, it's her intentions you must worry about; and his responses that should concern you. He will have no doubt deleted the messages, and if he has; there was no innocence behind them.I recommend that you address it before too much time passes; because it will only fester in your mind. If there is anything going on, it must be addressed immediately. You forgave once, but that was not permission or a sign of weakness on your part. They shouldn't remain friends when there was such a past. Even if he has let things go, she is a wedge that has obviously found her way between you. She must be eliminated from the equation. No, friendship is not permitted. Otherwise; forgiveness was wrongly placed. He's now a married-man, and has to forsake all others; or he should have deleted that passage from his vows. He now has to re-earn your trust. It starts by him being honest and discontinuing any further contact. Hand him any ultimatum you like; he wouldn't want you receiving secret messages from some man you almost cheated with. Nor would his ego allow you to be friends with someone who attempted such a thing. You might even mention that.Stay calm and strong through it all. It's serious, but not the end of the world. You're still newly-weds; and you work things out together, and it starts with honesty and communication.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (5 January 2017):
 There is a saying here in England Slowly slowly catch a monkey.
You could confront him but lets face it if he has been in contact with her he is hardly likely to admit it is he?
How come he is in contact with her after 4 years?
He may not be doing anything wrong, but she may be the on that is pursuing him, so it may just be a one off.
Many wont agree with me but I don't care, I would check his phone I would keep my mouth shut, and my eyes and ears open, If you have the patience.
It may just be a Christmas message and he may have ignored her. So by confronting him It may cause an argument and of there IS anything going on he will go underground.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 Of course it bothers you, it would bother anyone. I think you should be direct and honest with him and tell him that you know this woman has been messaging him. Tell him whatever you've told us, that it makes you uncomfortable and you don't like the fact that they're in touch again.
He's your husband, if anything he owes his allegiance to you. He is expected to not only tell you the truth but to take a stand in your favour even if it means cutting her off, which he should do immediately. He should have done it without you asking for it and this woman's number should have been blocked on his phone from day 1 but it's never too late.
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