A
male
age
30-35,
*eta
writes:I've been seeing my current girlfriend for exactly 6 months now. I love her more than life itself, and she's everything I could ever ask for.However, there's one thing that absolutely tears me apart on a daily basis and feels like the pain will never go away. This is my girlfriend's past.The first situation came about a month into the relationship. I heard through the grapevine that my girlfriend had sex with a guy we'll call L.Knowing specifically who hurt like hell, but I had no idea how bad the situation had really been. I had heard details...horrifying details...and it was just overwhelming.I brought it up to her one morning after leaving her house at 5 AM in the morning, drunk, to smash L's front window of his new basement suite (childish, I know). She was awake when I got back, and asked where I had been. I didn't want to lie, so I told her that I knew about L. That's where I heard the full story.Her and her group of friends had been hanging around with L and his group of friends a long time ago. She was going through a hard time in her life, experimenting with tons of drugs and alcohol. L would constantly try and convince her to leave her current boyfriend, to get with him. He wouldn't stop, and eventually got forceful. He would actually lock her in his room and force himself on her regardless of her telling him no. One night, while she was drunk and high on Oxys pressured on her by him, he tried the same thing...and regardless of the look of terror and fear in her eyes, he succeeded in having his way with her. This happened a couple times, and she cried for months because of it.Upon hearing this I cried for days and days. The thought of my girlfriend going through something so horrible tore me to shreds...and still does to this day. I just can't cope with something so sad happening to someone who means the world to me. On top of that, he was only 1 of a couple people that had done this to her.I can't say she was raped...it was ultimately her decision to take drugs and alcohol...but she was still pressured and taken advantage of and it absolutely KILLS me. The image enters my head on a daily basis and I just can't get rid of it.One small blessing is he's now moved far away and we never run into him again...but the pain is still there in full force.About a month later, a friend of mine had bragged, while intoxicated, that he had slept with my girlfriend a while back (before we were dating). I thought he was just being an idiot, but I ended up bringing it up to her (stupid) and she became very upset. It resulted in both of us being very hurt, and eventually she told me the actual number of people she had been with. All I can say is it isn't a single digit...and that really got to me.Now I see this guy on a regular basis, and just the thought of him makes me stomach churn. When we're having sex, the image of them in a drunken one night stand makes me nauseous. Just so you know, I'm not angry with her...after the terrible things that had happened to her I know how hard it must have been to cope. I don't think any less of her...and I think she's an absolutely amazing person whom I love with all my heart. I've tried to talk to her about it but as I can understand it just makes her upset. I keep it inside most of the time but it just causes me so much pain it feels impossible to cope.I know it's over and done with, I know it's in the past, I know she's with me now and I should just move on and get over it. That doesn't work. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it no matter what I try.If it means anything I also suffer from bi-polar disorder and take Wellbutrin and Lamotragene for it (Anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer). I've always been a pretty melancholy guy, but my girlfriend's past depresses me so much it's hard to function day to day. I feel like I can never get over it. I know there's the possibility of leaving her, but other than this one thing which shouldn't even hurt me as much as it does, it's the most perfect relationship ever.I don't know what to do :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Hi there,
I can relate with you, in many ways. Like you, I also went through a phase trying to overcome my girlfriends past, trust me, I have been there. Like you, my girlfriend was also date raped, and taken advantage of. I know what kind of anxiety these things can fill your body with. They are overwhelming, controlling, and forceful. These feelings though are all routed in jealousy.
Please, don't get offended when I tell you its your jealousy that is making you feel so much negativity. Everyone experiences it, all of us. Some jealousies are healthy, while some are irrational. Sometimes our minds will blur our reasoning, making it impossible to understand our own demons, and our own insecurities. Your mind is an amazing object, that can grant you much happiness, or much agony.
There are so many different types of jealousy, but in such an instance the jealousy that you, I, and many other men deal with is an irrational jealousy. We are jealous over things we can not change, can not control, and ultimately have nothing to do with us. This type of jealousy can cause depressions, anger, frustration, sleep depravity, and so much more. On top of it, there is an obsessive side to it that not only makes it more difficult to deal with but inflames the situation all together.
So, what do you do about this? The truth is, you already know too much, and there is no way to unlearn this information. Your stuck with it, and there is nothing you can do to remove this from your brain. She cant undo it, you cant undo it, nothing can change it, so the only thing you can do is learn how to accept it, and to move on. It is the only option, the only thing available. But how? Your feelings will not just change on their own, and unless you work towards altering your mind, you will always feel this negativity towards her sexuality.
It doesn't matter how many people she slept with, who she slept with, where it happened or how it happened. No stories of her sexual past, willing or not, will not sit well with you. And that is ok, no one wants to hear the gruesome details of their lovers past, its natural to feel jealous over this, but there is a limit to how much this information should effect you, and to what level you bury it.
While I don't know much about your history, or to what extent this problem bothers you at, I can not really say what your actually dealing with. But, if like most men, you have a sexual past of your own, and you are constantly on a roller coaster from being ok with her past, to feeling that you are judging her (even mentally), or you are constantly trying to make reason of her past, or trying to get more information about her past or how things went down, then you are probably dealing with a sexual complex.
Most commonly known as the Madonna/Whore Complex, a man will put a woman into two categories, Madonna (virginal, pure, motherly) or whore. Subconsciously you are trying to decide which category she fits into, you ask her questions about her past, try to get more info from her, and try to make reason with everything you know. You are constantly battling your thoughts since she is your sweet girl that you love and want to be your life partner... But the flip side is how can she be this girl since she had slept with another man, or had acted on her sexuality before you. It creates a dilemma for you, since you love her but also see her as a whore, you have to choose a category for her, but the reality is she is neither a Madonna, or a whore.
A man who develops the Don Quixote complex has illusory expectations and wishes with regard to a woman. He speaks about her with adoration and tends to idealize her. He puts her on a pedestal and worships her.
Don Juanism is a syndrome that occurs in males given to excessive preoccupation with sexual gratification or conquest and leading to persistently transient and sometimes exploitative relationships. In this case the woman is seen only as yet another object of sexual desire. Such a woman will literally cease to exist for “Don Juan” shortly after his sexual ambitions are fulfilled.
The Othello complex is related to pathological jealousy. Men who have such a complex are often prone to suspect their partners of unfaithfulness after having too much of a drink. This complex is not based on the desire of a man to take complete possession of a woman; it should be regarded as a variety of man’s fear of a woman, or a sort of fear of becoming an object of ridicule.
Some of that I copied and pasted, so I cant take full credit. But, to be honest many men have different traits from various sexual complexes. Hell, I know I do. Don't feel bad though, women (like men) often build these sexual complexes as well, just different ones from us. I wouldn't doubt to say that perhaps your girlfriend will eventually build a complex around her negative sexual experiences, or by the way she feels judged because of them...
But guess what, sexuality is a complex thing, and we are complex individuals, so not understanding your emotions, or understanding why you feel the way you do is normal, you just cant let it take control of you. I would think it be best for you to really think about who you are, and if you are able to see your own flaws and your own insecurities. You cant fight a battle when you dont even know what you are fighting against. Your girlfriend's past is hers, and hers alone. Nothing about it belongs to you, and she owes you no explanations, no apologies, or anything regarding what happened to her. What you are experiencing, and what you are dealing with, is purely your own demons here.
A
male
reader, Meta +, writes (30 October 2008):
Meta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, Fade. I'll definitely get her to read that over.
The thing is, this happened a long long time ago. There's no contact anymore with the culprit. Also, she's convinced me it's in the past and she's learned to get over it and move on. Honestly, I truly believe her...she really is a very strong minded person, and she tells me that I've cried more tears over it than she has. I just tend to feel things way too deeply. I talked about trying to press charges but she doesn't want to open up any scars. All we can do is hope he gets what's coming to him.
I know that she's over it and it was so long ago, but I'm still having a really hard time coping with it. It could be because it's new to me...but the image in my head of something so horrible happening to the girl I love just cuts my insides to shreds.
I guess I'm just wondering what the best way to cope with the pain is...
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