A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance that this is rather long... I just have no idea what to do. We've been married for nearly 6 years, together for 11. I feel like the only thing really keeping us together is our kids; a 3yo and 1yo.My husband over the last year and a half has become a completely different person. There are just so many things that aren't "him" that have happened in that time: While I was pregnant for our youngest, I fell down the stairs. He yelled at me to get up and go to work when I was sobbing for help. When I had the baby, he left our son at my mother's for two days and played video games, visited the baby and I for about 4 hours total over those two days, and trashed the house. I ended up being out of work for longer than I intended after having the baby, and he would make comments on how he was going to try to lose his job so he could stay on his a** all day at home too. He recently did lose his job. He doesn't help much around the house unless I get upset, and then he makes it seem like he's the most amazing husband in the world because he did a sinkful of dishes while I'm left to clean everything else. (I tried the whole leave-things-alone approach for a week and became so disgusted I couldn't take it anymore.) The video games and now the internet have become more important than anything else, staying up until 5 or 6 am playing then sleeping until noon. He has no real interest in setting up time for us other than when he wants sex, but will eagerly set up "Guys' Nights". If I try to set up time for our friends to come over here, he doesn't help at all, then takes credit for everything. The comments are still coming about, but not in reference to working; the other day our son did something a little silly and he referred to him as a "f*cking dumb*ss", or how he plans to teach our son "manly things like fishing and cars" while I teach our daughter "lady things like cooking and cleaning".I only work a few hours a week and know that we can't get by on that, so I've been trying to look for a job. If I see something that he might be interested in, I let him know about it- but I've now realized that he hasn't actually looked into a job himself at all in the last two months. Every job he's interviewed for I've applied to for him; revamped his resume and did the cover letter. He's on unemployment and is getting about as much as he did at his job, so he says he has no reason to look in such a hurry. Part of me is really afraid this is him following through on the comment he made before.I had seen a counselor around October of last year. She had said it sounded like he was emotionally abusing the kids and I. When I told him about this, he promised to change- but he keeps making so many promises to so many people and rarely ever keeps them. Even his father has started to put little faith into his promises. He gets upset that I have become so distant from him. When he wants to cuddle, I pull away. I'm still very hurt by everything he's done, but I don't know what to do. I get that losing his job is stressful and can mess with him. But that doesn't feel like the reason for everything. Part of me says to force myself to forgive him and accept things around me, while another says things aren't right here. I'm hoping for some advice on what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): from your letter there appear to be many issues in this relationship. it may be fair to suggest you address each issue individually. Starting with the suggested abuse. This is totally unacceptable and there are organisations who can help. I suggest you look them up for your area. Once this is dealt with i would then look at the others one by one. you need to talk to your partner and express how you feel in no uncertain terms. if you already have an idea if your relationship will last or not you really need to discuss it with him . The sooner the better. If he is unaware how you feel he cant do anything about it. If he already is aware then you need to question yourself as to your next move. Do you stay or do you go. There is only one person who knows how they feel about this and thats you. You have to make the decision
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 March 2011):
 this is a terrible situation for you and the children. His motivation has taken a nose dive. But that is no excuse for his selfish unmotivated disrespectful behavior towards you and the children.
He is poisoning the atmosphere and warping his children's view of themselves.
Little children need to be respected too. As do you need to be treated with respect.
The counsellor was correct.
It is emotional abuse. Do not threaten to leave him. As that will inflame him. But you may have to start making covert preparations in case you and the children need to leave in a hurry, for your own safety.
Because physical abuse is often preceded by emotional abuse.
You do deserve to be treated much better than this.
I can understand why you are attempting to 'help' him get a job. Stop attempting to help him. Because all you are doing is distress yourself. He lost his last job. Perhaps he has an 'attitude' problem at work too?
He might be depressed. If so he needs to get to the Doctor.
But he has no right to be such an unfeeling cad as he is to you.
You really need time out from this guy.I do hope this can be resolved. But he also needs to act more responsibly.
It must be very scary for you. And far too heavy a burden on you alone, regards, Abella
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