A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was previously married a while ago, the marriage didn't last, and we split up when I was 25. I had a very flirtatious relationship with another guy, and we ended up getting together right after my split, but then he decided to give his ex one last chance. I still stayed friends with him (no benefits or anything), and eventually he broke up with the girl he went back to and we got together. It was fun because it was so different and exciting compared to my previous 8 year relationship. He was 4 years younger than me and made me feel young. We moved in together fairly quickly, and eventually after a while I noticed that he was very immature. i do everything for him from making phone calls to getting groceries, cleaning, everything. He has no driver's licence. His parents call him every night and every morning to wake him up, and he does nothing for himself, and nothing for me. He plays video games and smokes weed and hangs out with his friends all the time. He never wants to get married or ever have kids. He would never make plans with me to have a nice dinner or go for a walk at night because he didn't know if his friends were going to want to play video games. We lived together for a year, and finally I said I had enough. It took a month for me to move out and during that month things got really good between us because we were just friends, so I didn't care about all the problems. In the meantime, when people found out I was single, I was told by a guy that he really likes me. This guy is perfect for me. He doesn't play video games, he loves the outdoors, he is mature and owns a company and has been so nice to me, he sent me flowers to my work, and is always telling me how pretty I look, and has a lot of the same interests as me, and I could actually see a future for us, but for some reason, I can't get over my ex. I still hangout with my ex all the time. Mostly just sleeping over at his house because I hate being alone. We rarely ever kiss, or have sex or anything, but I can't let go of him, but I feel like I am stuck. This other guy knows my situation and has said that he will be happy for me if I am happy. But I'm not. I want to start a relationship with this other guy, but I'm too afraid of moving on from my ex, and scared I'm making a mistake or something. I don't know why I can't just leave. He doesn't do anything nice for me, he has never said I look pretty or bought me flowers or done nice things for me, but I still can't give him up. HELP!!!!!
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female
reader, Bella555  +, writes (30 November 2010):
You most certainly can give up your ex, and you should. All of us get comfortable at times with what has become familiar, even if the situation isn't what's best for us. Complacency and holding on to who and what you've acknowledged as your past may rob you of a promising future. Try to think of life with your ex as a barren wasteland, a charred landscape devoid of all plant and animal life, where the sun is blocked by a grey haze that never seems to lift. Then envision your possible future with the new guy in any positive manner that suits you--in a lush garden, surrounded by the scents of flowers and the calls of birds, or at the beach with a roaring surf and sun-warmed sand. May seem goofy, but that's about the difference between the two extremes in your life: the ex who can barely take care of himself, whose priorities are pointless, transient interests, and the new guy, who is considerate of you and sounds like he may be a real prospect.
It may not work out with the new guy, but there's no knowing unless you give it a try. Let go of the perpetual adolescent and enjoy a potentially satisfying relationship instead.
Good luck.
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