A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been getting friendly with a guy (man 1) since March. We've got to the stage now where we act like we're a couple, but we aren't going out.. and have done everything apart from sex, which he would like to do. I'm friendly with his family, and he is with mine, and we're going on holiday next week to Australia. He has asked me out before, but I can't give him an answer. He is the perfect boyfriend, everything you'd wish and hope for in a guy… a bit like the guys you see in movies. He's a gentleman, great sense of humour, loyal, trustful, always there.. etc. We've talked about our feelings before, and he says he wants us to last for years, and that he would never cheat on me.. which I believe. It's just, I don't know whats stopping me going out with him. I've had a few relationships before, one of which I'm still very fond of. I feel like a part of me is still holding out for him, but at the same time I don't even know if anything will happen/if he's in a relationship etc as it's been a few years. I know if I wait around to see if anything happens with him (man 2), it might be too late with this other guy (man 1). At the same time, I'm wondering if this past guy is my problem. After him, I was in a relationship with another guy (man 3), and the thought my ex never even crossed my mind. I'm wondering if commitments the problem, as how we are at the moment, I can still flirt etc with guys, but if we do go out, then I cant anymore… I think I feel if I go out with him, then start getting friendly with my ex again, I wouldn't want to regret anything and throw it all away. I've also never had a friend before, then it turning into a relationship, its a bit different situation for me.I'm really just asking if anyone can shed any light on what my problem is with being with a lovely man. I feel awful, cause it's like I'm keeping him holding on not giving an answer (in a way, having my cake and eating it) but yet, I can still do what I want. It can't be nice for him, and I understand that, and I feel bad about it, but I just really don't know what to do. As I said, he's lovely, I enjoy his phonecalls and texts, and I miss him after being with him for a few days, and I love his company… I'm just having problems with my feelings at the moment I think.Does anyone know what my problem is and why I cant go out with him? Or is my problem more with my own feelings towards him?I've been wondering for a while now, and I just need to ask for peoples advice.it really is appreciated.Thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): If you are not over your ex then do not go out, date or get into a relationship with this "great" guy you speak of. There is nothing wrong with you and the way you feel about yout ex....that's normal for people who fall in love. Getting over someone you love is not an easy task, it takes time and sometimes ppl never get over the person. I admire the fact that you understand where your heart is thus you refuse to go out and get involved with this other guy knowing there is a possiblity that you may even break his heart. I say don't date and try to take time out to get over your ex. Good luck.
A
female
reader, mimisoph3  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 the reason u cant get over ur ex is because u were in love..and u feel like u dont deserve this guy. I think that the reason u still have feelings for ur ex is because he broke your heart and his that guy that really doesnt care for u so u try harder and harder just to be with him. But u deserive the other guy so much more all u need is respect and someone to love u and he is the perfect guy. i dont think ur scared i think u just have hope that ur ex will come back so by not going out with this guy ur making urself believe that ur ex will come back. there is a reason he is called ur ex his not gonna come back and u deserve so much more.. if u dont like this guy ur going to Australia wit then tell him do not lead him on because he looks like a really nice guy good luck
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A
female
reader, Miss_Helpful101 +, writes (3 June 2010):
Ex's are a complicated thing. Every woman can understand that. Sometimes you cant stop thinking about them, sometimes you cant stop thinking about the big what if. So dont think your alone on that one because your not. The guy you said was perfect (man 1) seems like the right guy for you. However like you said you still think about your ex. There is a big difference between thinking about your ex and loving your ex.Have you told man 1 about the way you feel maybe that would make him understand why you havnt given an answer and then not that may help you with you feeling guilty about not answering him. You said that your going on holiday with him. That could be a good thing. Spending that amount of times with him will really help you understand. You saying he is perfect kinda shows you have feelings for him anyway. You also listed all the good things about him and lets face it there was a few. The only real advise i can give you is dont always listen to your head sometimes you just have to listen to your heart. The person you can not live without is the right one for you.I hope this has helped even if its only a little.YoursMiss_Helpful101 x
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A
female
reader, Miss_Helpful101 +, writes (3 June 2010):
Ex's are a complicated thing. Every woman can understand that. Sometimes you cant stop thinking about them, sometimes you cant stop thinking about the big what if. So dont think your alone on that one because your not. The guy you said was perfect (man 1) seems like the right guy for you. However like you said you still think about your ex. There is a big difference between thinking about your ex and loving your ex.Have you told man 1 about the way you feel maybe that would make him understand why you havnt given an answer and then not that may help you with you feeling guilty about not answering him. You said that your going on holiday with him. That could be a good thing. Spending that amount of times with him will really help you understand. You saying he is perfect kinda shows you have feelings for him anyway. You also listed all the good things about him and lets face it there was a few. The only real advise i can give you is dont always listen to your head sometimes you just have to listen to your heart. The person you can not live without is the right one for you.I hope this has helped even if its only a little.YoursMiss_Helpful101 x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2010):
 You were hurt, and that's causing you to protect yourself. As far as your ex is concerned, you two are over. Your ego was bruised by the breakup, and as a defense mechanism, it's putting you in denial that it's truly forever over, thus not allowing you to give yourself fully to this new guy, who sounds like a keeper.
I'm pretty sure if you were to be given access to your ex's brain for 24 hours, you would find out that your ex doesn't even think about you anymore, as they are over you. Don't hold out for a guy who isn't holding out for you.
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