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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys!I would appreciate some help with understanding a, for me, strange situation. About 11 years ago, my husband and I met a couple and we started hanging out together. We had a lot of in common, including a country house in the same neck of the woods. They are lovely family people. We've met their son (from the husband's first marriage) daugthter, grandchildren. They are very tight and involved in each others' lives. So over the years we got to know everybody pretty well. I can say that we became good friends.A few months ago, I was on the phone with the wife and she was talking about the children and mentioned something like "We had a great family weekend, thank god things are now ok between my husband and Sam". I've never heard of him. And I have no idea why I didn't ask anything!!! She then acted as if she had already mentioned Sam and the issue...that there had been some strife between him and her husband (our friend). Now, the husband has a lot of siblings and I mean a lot - 8. I haven't met all of them, so honestly I can't remember all of their names. So I thought there were some issues between brothers and I let it be. I sensed some sort of tension around the question of "Sam". Uneasiness. Something "burried" so to speak. I think that is what I allowed to be blocked with.Then yesterday I got a message from her talking about good old times writing about Sam as she does when she writes about their kids! Something like "Oh when Emma, Bob and Sam were kids, we used to take them...".Again , I froze. I sensed this tension around the issue. It was the second time she mentioned this person and I realized it was her husband's SECOND son from the first marriage. What I find particulary weird is that NO ONE had mentionned him before. I can understand that an angry father would (even for all the wrong reasons) decide not to talk about his older son. But his wife (our friend) and other grown-up children? We spend a lot of time together. We spent holidays together. I've seen their family photos... there had never EVER been a single trace of Sam! As I said, we have know them for 11 years. To summarize: I feel weird for not asking her anything. But honestly, there was this silence around the issue and my shock. I still think of them as great poeple, I just find this strange. I have no idea what I am asking here. Your opinion? Advice on how to act? Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): This is the OP.
Thank you so much for your help!
I agree with both of you, WiseOwlE and Honeypie. I just thought I was crazy for thinking that I should do exactly that - leave it be.
I am very susceptible to NOT asking any questions even when I should, even when people want me to (I can't read their cues) even when it is my right (none of this is obviously the case here!). I had never asked my mother who my father was. I felt exactly what I described here, this secrecy and uneasiness and I just let it be. She died and took her secret to grave.
That's why I need some perspective. This is the way I react automatically.
I have a close friend who somehow manages to always find a nice way to ask and not hurt other people. Fore exemple, she asked me who my father was even though she knew that it was a touchy subject, but honestly it did me good.
Anyway, the only person I don't have this problem with is my husband, god bless him :)
Thank you again!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 April 2022):
 I mostly agree with WiseOwle,
You don't know what happened and what their story of Sam is. You know something is off, but it's also NOT your business. It's their family. THEY can choose what THEY want you to know.
Could have been an insane custody battle with wife #1, could be Sam has been institutionalized, or in prison, could be he has been in a cult or the falling out was for other personal reasons. Could be that Sam is NOT wife #1's kid but the REASON the husband divorced his first wife - he had an affair and a kid from this affair. Now, of course, I am JUST guessing here.
I would just be patient and allow them to tell you about Sam in their own time. It really is NOT your business.
Though, I totally get why you find it strange. I would too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): I know exactly where you're going. You know there is something about Sam!
Your better instincts and good-manners suggest you shouldn't probe; and just let it slide. Catch the details as they're slowly revealed. It appears Sam may be re-entering the picture, but may still be in a probationary period.
I think you should listen to your gut; considering you've never met, or haven't been introduced. For all you know, at this point, poor "Sam" is a figment of everyone's imagination. What you've described is very typical in family-estrangement situations. Everyone tries to pretend one or the other doesn't exist. You don't have to explain embarrassing things about the "troubled-child," as long as they're a secret. You can casually bring up their name, once things have improved enough to bring the "prodigal son" back into the family fold. There may be very personal reasons, and their privacy should be respected.
It's up to them when they feel ready to disclose certain things or expose their dirty laundry. Drug addiction, criminal pasts, or family feuds place people at-odds; and sometimes families are judged as a whole, based on the bad-behavior of one particular individual. It's also embarrassing to admit your family isn't perfect, and may have some major dysfunction going-on.
Let them lead the way. You can casually mention that you don't recall which relative Sam is; and apologize for forgetting the name, if you've been introduced. Leave them an opening, but don't make her feel cornered. It's obvious there is a strained father-son relationship, and no details or explanations are being offered; so it's best left alone. It may be a slip of the tongue to bring-up his name; but if she doesn't go into any detail about who he is, you know only as much as they want you to know. Little, or nothing.
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