A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years and he's always liked a drink. Recently though I've become really worried about how much.Throughout the week he will drink vodka, he started putting weight on about 2 years ago when he switched from a fairly active job to a sedentary one in an office. He decided to switch lager for vodka as there are less calories in vodka with a mixer.As soon as one bottle of vodka is finished he buys another. He's recently told me he drinks 3 x 1ltr bottles a week and about 20 cans of lager on the weekend. But I wouldn't be surprised if he's underestimating that.I've said to him I'm worried about his health and he says he knows he needs to cut down. He is really good at his job, none of this stops him from going to work every day, he gets promotions and everything else in his life is fine.How can I help him with this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): You cannot help him, only a qualified, experienced therapist can. The more you try the worse it gets as it simply holds things up, with one or both of you kidding yourselves you can deal with it without the professional's help. In the end you are more likely to enable him by feeling sorry for him and making excuses for him etc. Once you start this I am trying to help him stuff you are no longer his partner, you are seen as a sort of unqualified therapist instead, the relationship is all different, you gain nothing and lose a great deal. You ought to be considering ending your relationship for your sake and his. He is more likely to take this seriously and do something about it if you disappear, instead of being able to lean on you and bury his head in the sand and pretend things are better than they are. The best that can come out of this relationship is that it turns into a sort of mother and son scenario, but with you not necessarily being the wisest and most logical mum in the world who often misleads him. Simply because he is a drinker and you are not you get to feel superior and always right, despite getting it wrong. You then lose respect for him because he is so clueless and needy and he loses respect for you because you have become a doormat.I've dealt with many heavy drinkers over the years, working as a therapist. They nearly always have a partner who wants to help but ends up drawn in and having problems themselves. They are out of their depth. They just get upset. What use is this to either of you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): The best thing to do is to stop "helping" him.
Imagine that someone NOT close to you is acting this way and causing you pain. What would you do?
Would you call it a "drinking problem" or "alcoholism"?
He needs to get therapy asap. Just because he's still functioning well, doesn't mean that that ill be the case in the future. In these situations, when things get (openly) bad, you will not know what hit you.
You need to make boundaries and stick to them. Seriously. I don't know what kind of arrangements you have, but you need to stop acting that everything's fine.
The most obvious thing is putting your relationship on pause, until he gets help. I would help him make a list of therapists (mone is obviously not his issue) and AA groups and give him a week to start attending the meetings and maybe some more time to find a therapist. If he doesn't do that, well I would take a break. It's heartbreaking but it's the only way. Anything else is just enabling him. You are not his partner, you are his enabler.
My aunt died at 45 because she was an alcoholic. An extremy high functioning one. She took care of me and my sister and wdent to work. She would only drink in the evenings and not a lot. But it was an everyday occurence and she drink just enough to achieve this state of numbness. In her case it was her treatment for depression.
It wouldn't surprize you to hear that my sister's an alcoholic, but that I have gone the other way. I have never ever touched the stuff.
Needless to say, my sister refuses constructive help. FOr now, I hope. But she would love to have a companion and/or an enabler. It broke my heart to have to set boundaries.
But that's the only thing that works.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): You have to let him know just how "seriously" concerned you are about the drinking; and you feel it is time he speak to his doctor, or seek alcohol counseling.
It's a delicate situation, but people with addictions or drinking problems are usually in denial. They feel ashamed to even discuss it; but sometimes you have to intervene by being straightforward and totally honest.
I've been in that situation with friends in my past, and tried to help; but I waited too long, because I hesitated from fear of upsetting them. They became fully alcoholic, and things got pretty bad for them. Don't wait until it's totally out of hand. Then the decision arises whether you can stay together. It's not something you should allow yourself to live with. He must get help.
He's somebody you love, and dear to your heart. It's time to talk to him straight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2022): He must help himself by seeing a professional to help him finding the root of his alcoholism. You can be there as an emotional support partner but you can not help him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 April 2022):
 He is an alcoholic. A high-functioning one.
At some point, he will just be an alcoholic.
He drinks 9 LITERS of alcohol a week! That is ridiculous!
Is he trying to kill himself? Smash his liver to a point of liver failure?
I would suggest to you tell him he NEEDS to seek help.
"He is really good at his job, none of this stops him from going to work every day, he gets promotions and everything else in his life is fine."
All it takes is him getting caught driving while intoxicated and his career can be over. All it takes is to have had "just" one too many and he kills someone while driving drunk and his life (as he knows it) is over.
Add that he is putting on weight too, which adds strain on his body, his heart, and his organs.
Give it a year or two and he will start pissing himself while asleep.
Give it a year and he can't get it up no more. Then he will drink even more because that bothers him.
You can't make him stop, you can't fix this for him. But you can mention that you can not sit by and watch him drink his life away.
Ask him to do a quick calculation. How much money does he spend on drinks a week? What could he do with that kind of money? (other than drink)
9 liters of alcohol a week is NOT "normal". He needs to go see his doctor, be honest, and GET dry.
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