A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with this lovely man for about 3 months now. We have been official for 1 month. I think he is a great man, goal-oriented, and self-driven. I really like his bubbly personality and how easy it is to interact with him. He makes jokes all the time and I am okay with that because I make jokes too. We both are very open and talk just about anything and everything. We are always making sex jokes and comments. I mention that because today I told him one of my friends is visiting and he joked saying that he would like to be here only if she was going to have sex in the living room. He then made a joke saying that he could have 10 minutes in the bedroom with her. I felt weird by that joke and wasnt sure if I should make a big deal out of it. Well, I didnt make a big deal but I did tell him that I didnt feel comfortable when he said that since she is my friend. He said I shouldnt feel jealous. I told him I am not jealous but I did feel weird with it. Then, i asked him to imagine how he would feel if I told him I wanted to have sex with one of his friends. I would like to know your opinion. Does it sound like I am making a big deal? maybe the jealous part of me is coming out? Has your significant other ever made jokes like that? How did you react to it?
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female
reader, Angelic88  +, writes (23 February 2020):
The fact he's already saying inappropriate jokes after only a month, imagine long term. And to say your jealous is absolutely ridiculous! He sounds like he doesn't have any respect for you, nor your friend for that matter. I dated a guy like this before, and they have no filter for their dirty minds and will always say your the jealous one. If a guy thinks it's OK to say sex jokes about his girlfriends friend, I'd love to know how much his eyes wander, and his views on cheating. Stay away, he's going to make you very insecure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2020): I certainly wouldn't like it if my wife said something like that. I am probably wrong, but my guess is he is one of those people who can't admit when he has made a mistake.
He tried to spin it as your crazy issue instead of admitting that he shouldn't have said it.
Was alcohol involved?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): If my significant other said what your boyfriend said and didn't seem to understand that I was not jealous, but that what he said was inappropriate, I'd show him the door.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): I know it's not for every couple, but I think a lot do it, my wife and I joke around like that too. It's mostly her trying to gross me out with a young handsome guy she wants to be unfaithful with. "Bobby, right in front of you I'd blank his blank." I sort of like that devil in her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): Way way way out of line to make such an off color remark about another woman, let alone a friend of yours! This is not a lovely man who you are seeing! End your relationship with this man! This is an early warning to you, from the man who will cheat on you, if you stay together! Imagine thinking that it is Ok to joke about cheating on you, with your friend, or with anyone, for that matter! You do not have much time invested in this guy, so cut your losses and end things with him, and be thankful that you found out early, and painlessly!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2020):
 What was his answer? I'm curious.
" i asked him to imagine how he would feel if I told him I wanted to have sex with one of his friends."
And his answer is telling.
He overstepped here. It WAS inappropriate. It would have been on the same scale (IMHO) if he had said that about your sister or mother. If she is a close friend that is just a no-no. Who says shit like that?
I don't think it's about jealousy at all. From your end. It wasn't like you were offended that he didn't talk "smexy Mc Sexy" about you... but about a CLOSE friend.
Don't let someone "gaslight" you because you REALLY want to date him. Because he is FULL of shit.
Instead of saying, OK that was going to far with my "joke", he made the issue YOU. YOUR jealousy is the problem here. THAT is him not taking responsibility or him NEVER being in the wrong, doing wrong or saying the wrong thing.
THAT is a frigging HUGE red flag.
And no I have NEVER dated ANYONE who have made a joke like that. I think it might even be a deal breaker for me. More that he started to blame YOU and "your jealousy" instead of "manning up" and saying, OK that was in bad taste. I would perhaps be more forgiving if THAT had been the scenario. What happened would put me on alert.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): My goodness, I don't know where to start! How can you possibly be ok with a comment like that??!! Why should you be? It's an absolutely AWFUL thing to say. Disrespectful of you and your friend. And then, when you try to tell him that that is not an ok thing to say, he tried to make out that you're jealous and I'm sorry to say that you fell right into his trap and responded how he wanted you to. 'I'm not jealous.'
No-one wants to be called jealous and he knows that you like him too much to want to admit to such a feeling. The thing is I think you feel outrage at his disrespect and downright audacity to treat you this way and talk about your friend this way. And rightly so. This is not ok. Not in any way.
Listen. This man is most definitely NOT NICE. He is ABUSIVE. He is playing on your feelings to make you feel insecure and unattractive. To make you think that he thinks about other women in this way. His 'jokes' that you have been participating in were all leading to this kind of treatment of you. To get you used to sexual jokes and join in with him because you are smitten with him.
Abusive men ARE very attractive. They know how to be so. They have a way about them, they have confidence and they know how to make you feel good. You don't want to lose him right?
I have been in three abusive relationships and had an abusive father. I am a slow learner because it took me decades to understand that there are, unfortunately, plenty of abusive men out there, who know just how to behave to make you fall for them and when you are hooked, start to treat you very badly. You want to laugh and joke with him, to show how cool you are and show that you are not controlling or jealous. He's got you good already, because there's no way that you want to say anything negative to him about his behaviour. You don't want to piss him off or lose him, so you start to allow behaviour against you, that should in no circumstances be tolerated.
He has got your measure now. He knows that he can treat you and your friend with no respect whatsoever and you're going to question your 'right' to say anything about it. He is now laughing up his sleeve, knowing that he can say and probably do anything he likes, in time. And these 'sex jokes' of his, that you join in with, is a way of getting you used to him talking like this. He has just escalated this particular abusive tactic by saying something way out of line. And he has got you thinking that this is just another of his sex jokes that has gone a bit too far. He's clever, he knows what he's doing. He's basically getting you used to very loose sexual talk and perhaps behaviour. He could well be sexually abusive. One of my exes was sexually abusive. It was horrific. You are already making excuses for this awful comment of his, by saying that you both make 'sex jokes' all the time. You KNOW what he said is not right. You have already called one of the most offensive remarks I have ever heard that concerns your friend 'a joke'. He has groomed you to think this way, by 'joking' a lot about sex.
He will woo you with more charm and confidence and supposed 'love' than you can shake a stick at, and soon, you will become attuned to being treated this way and not question it at all. Because you don't want to lose him.
He is abusive. There are many abusive tactics that abusive men use. This is one of them. To destroy your confidence and make you feel unattractive. All so that you wont leave him by the way. Abusive men work to destroy you, from the inside out. You have only been with him for three months and you already feel so lousy about his first display of overt abusive behaviour, that you feel the need for help. And the confusion starts. Am I right? Am I making a fuss? Is it just banter? Should I be more easy-going? Etc Etc Etc until your head wants to burst. It is very easy to lose yourself very quickly with men like this. They are often the best man that you have ever met and you don't want to appear uncool. The thing is I know exactly what he is because I have given many years to studying abuse. And I KNOW this tactic that he is using. This man will only get worse in his treatment of you. Stay with him and see if I'm wrong. He will destroy you and any happiness that you have right now. That is his intention.
Believe me, it took me a very long time to learn that there are people out there who want to destroy the ones they supposedly 'love'. They want to make sure that you become quiet and obedient, that you never question their behaviour, that you will be at home waiting for them, while they are out doing whatever they like and God help you if you complain or ask questions. Double standards are the norm in abusive relationships, your behaviour will be questioned immediately if you ever do anything that he doesn't like, but you're not allowed to say a word against THEM.
Women stay with abusive men, because as I've said, they are often the best bloke you've ever met and so you sweep shitty behaviour under the carpet, hoping that the behaviour wont be repeated. Or, when the abuse gets worse, in the hope that the nice guy you fell for initially, will return and there's been some terrible mistake or misunderstanding and when that's all sorted, things will be ok again. But they wont be ok again. For a while, he will return you to cloud 9, until he decides to treat you to some more abuse. And it really IS like that. He is orchestrating your psychological demise. This all sounds dramatic but I have lived what you're living now more times that I care to remember and that's why I write on this site, to try to warn others who seem to be totally unaware of abusive men and the way that they work. As I was.
Any time that he upsets you with comments like these (and there will be others) he will be doing it ON PURPOSE. Do not attempt to sit him down and talk to him about how he's making you feel, because it's pointless. He KNOWS what he's doing and he KNOWS it's wrong. But he doesn't care. As long as he gets what he wants, which is a quiet, acquiescent partner who is too scared to say anything to him.
And he WILL be expecting 'THE TALK' that you will want to have with him, to air your grievances. He will respond in a variety of ways. Apologies, won't happen again, or you're taking him wrong and too seriously, or with a tantrum and shouting and probably in time, he will react with violence. To shut you up.
He is still being nice now, and he WILL be nice, very nice to you, I expect, in the months and years that it takes you to realise that you are dealing with an arsehole. He will ALTERNATE being nice, with being angry (fake by the way, all done to control), acting in a way to make you lose your confidence (otherwise how can he control you if you have the confidence of your convictions?) and he has already started that. He will alternate his behaviour between nice and nasty so that you will never know who you're going to get. This has the effect of throwing you off balance and losing yourself. It also gets you used to this kind of behaviour until it becomes the norm for YOU. You will know that others wont think it the norm though, because you will start to make excuses for his behaviour to yourself and to others and you will feel shame and embarrassment for putting up with it. So, abuse stays under cover. Just the way he will like it.
Listen. This comment of his was not just a throw away comment in very bad taste, it was a deliberate ploy to see where your boundaries lie and how much and how quickly he can control you. You have shown him that you have no boundaries and no ability to stand up to him. I don't mean this harshly, I have done the same.
If you want to stay with him and my guess is that you will, (I do understand that what I've said may well be very difficult for you to believe at the moment), that you will see a lot more of the same kind of behaviour that has you questioning yourself. And abuse escalates, he wont stop at this. I can guarantee you that.
A book that helped me beyond measure is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is an eminent psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men for fifteen years and he came to understand and recognise their behaviours. And he shares all that he has learnt with you in this book. It is brilliantly and sympathetically written, so please get yourself a copy. It will help you understand what this guy you're with is all about. But don't let your boyfriend know you're reading it. He won't be pleased.
Also, don't be surprised (or flattered!) if he tries to get you to commit to him very soon. They like to get you tied to them as quickly as they can. All the easier to control you. They like you married to them, pregnant, living with them, with no income or car of your own preferably. He will be keen to commit and you will probably be pleasantly surprised. Don't be! Don't lose your family and your friends (he will try to find ways to make it difficult for you to see anyone but him, and btw, this comment of his is a way of making sure you feel uncomfortable about inviting your friends over), don't lose your income, your independence, your home. Keep independent or you will see that what I am saying is true, much sooner.
And one last comment (sorry this has been so long), if you are finding it hard to believe what I'm saying, ask yourself, 'What kind of person says the kind of thing that he said to you?' This is NOT a loving relationship. I hope you can believe that. The book that I recommended will help you I promise. If you stay with this man, you will be able to see the behaviours that your boyfriend displays, all written in this book in black and white. I'm sure of it. Stay safe. He could turn dangerous. Good luck. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): I don’t think it’s just you, it’s inappropriate, and the fact he’d say such a thing in the first place coupled with his reaction to your reaction is a red flag in my opinion.
Others may disagree but it’s one thing to make sexual jokes with your partner because you two have decided that that’s ok in your intimate relationship circle. But as soon as the joking involves others, or it is done to others, about others, etc, it’s outside of your circle, which becomes inappropriate.
This isn’t about jealousy by the way (although a person COULD be jealous, but there’s more at play here than that). It’s more about how it’s disrespectful to you and to your friend. And the fact that he doesn’t see that and instead puts the responsibility on you and your supposed “jealousy” is a red flag.
This also makes me wonder, who started the joking in this relationship? Is he the one who started the joking with you? Makes me wonder what jokes he makes with others or at work when you are not around. Sounds like harassment suits waiting in the wings.
It’s only one month officially, so now is the time to walk away if he’s shown his true colors and is the type to make lewd and inappropriate comments and jokes inappropriately. You can find other men who are goal-oriented, self- driven, and truly lovely who don’t have sex on the brain in an inappropriate way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): I don’t think you’re overreActing at all. Just because you two make jokes with each other that doesn’t mean he should know that there are common sense boundaries in relationships . We don’t make sexual ‘jokes’ or comments about people who we or our partners are close to like friends or family because of a thing called respect
Why does he feel the need to ‘joke’ about your friend ? To me it doesn’t sound like a joke to be honest but something he may actually fantasie about and the joke may be his way of sharing his thoughts in a less threatening way to see how you react. After all there are a million other women in the world he could have commented on , why did he choose her . It seems to suggest he finds her sexually attractive and o think on some some level you know this and this is why you are concerned
Is he really going to be so affected by every attractive woman he meets that it means enough to him to actually have to comment on it to you . That suggest they stay on his mind and I think this may be what’s worrying you . I don’t know about you but I see plenty of goof looking men. The difference is that once I see them I then promptly forget them . I certainly don’t have lingering thoughts of them or need to make ‘jokes ‘ about them to my partner.
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