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female
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*ucky-grl
writes: I am deeply in love with this man. I've been so for like 10 years. We've been very close this whole time.He tells me that he loves me just as much. The only problem is that he lives with his kids' mom. He says he doesn't love her at all; he's just there for the kids.He wants to leave her, but she'll fight to keep the kids away. She knows about me,and she talks to other guys.I was engaged to another man for three years, but I wasn't happy.I'm not trying to wait around for him, but every time I get in a relationship it doesn't work because I still love him. He is also my brother's best friend,and my brother tells me that I'm all he talks about. What am I surposed to do?!!
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (26 March 2006):
 I am sorry, but something here doesn't sring true. If you have been in love with him all this time, why didnt you tell him before he entered into a serious relationship with the mother of his children? And if he is so 'not in love' with her, why did he have more than one child with her?
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female
reader, lucky-grl +, writes (23 March 2006):
lucky-grl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is not married to this girl.They've been together for a few years.His chidren are under four.He wants them to be able to understand.He wants to fight for custody.He said he will never leave his children the way his father left him. The girl that he is with is never home for her chidren.She's slept with alot of people thet I know since they've been together.she even tried sleeping with my brother a month ago.I would never try to brake up a happy family. We dont sleep together,because I wont allow it.
I do agree that he could have joint custody,and he is working on it.I've tried leaving him alone,But he's always around,cuz of my family.The feeling are to strong to ignor!!
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female
reader, lucky-grl +, writes (23 March 2006):
lucky-grl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never said the guy was married.He's been with her for 5 of the 10 years.We were so young when we fell in love.
My family wouldn't of aloud us to be together at that time.
He moved away for awhile and met up with her,and she ended up pergnant.His kids are under four.He always promised to be there for his kids,because his father wasn't there for him.The girl he is with has slept with alot of people I know while she's been with him.She even tried sleeping with my own brother about a month ago.She's never home for him or there children.I would never want to brake up a happy home. I've told him to go home to her& his kids,but he tell me he just wants to get custody and leave her.I do thank all of you for the advice.I understand everything that you all have told me,But please comment on what I have added!!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (22 March 2006):
Of COURSE he is just there for the kids! That's what they ALL say.
Yes, custody does normally go to the parent who is more likely to rpovide a stable environment for the kids - that in this case would be his wife. After all, he has said wedding vows, broken them and is off giving his emotional all to some misguided fool with no baggage.
C'mon, how niave are you. Ten years and he still ahsn't left her? How old are these kids exactly? If they are over ten and in their teens then they are old enough to understand that maybe Mum and Dad are splitting up. But under ten and the guy has been actively procreating whilst you have been in love with him! Jezz! Get a grip!
You need to back off. You are helping to destroy a family unit. Yes, it takes two to tango but how about breaking the dance off and walking away.
You are only in love with this guy cos you cant have him. Sorry but you only have you to blame for the mess you are in.
PS "cakeman" I like that description a lot. And THAT is just what he is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): Super answer to an age old question.To add my comments, you are involved with a 'cakeman'. He's getting cake at home and eating it with you as well. he's never going to leave because he doesn't need to. Like the lady says, you've wasted your love on a man who just doesn't deserve you. If he ever did 'pick' you, how long would it be before you were worrying about who he was cheating on you with ?Wouldn't it be lovely to be someone's first love, to be part of a relationship with honesty and a future? ask yourself why you feel you only deserve seconds.His poor children, what a role model. Please don't be part of the reason their world falls apart. To be honest if you end the relationship it will be interesting to see if he makes a go of his life with his wife or if he finds another long term lover to take your place. Would you really want a man whose greatest traits are that he lies to women and is a cheat ? Be really brave, move on in your head and your heart will follow, out there is a man who deserves to be loved by you, and out there is a woman who probably cries at night because her marriage is in trouble and she doesn't know what to do to save it.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): Gosh, you have wasted precious time on this man. Ten years! My advice is that you let this relationship go. It has already cost you, dearly. Look at it this way. He's likely telling you, his wife may be the worst wife in the world, but if that were true, what does it say about him that he won't leave her? "Keeping the kid's away" is the poorest, lamest excuse I have ever heard. He's their legal father, he will have joint custody if they divorce.
Hun, he can't leave his wife because they've built an entire life around each other together and their children. Marriage is an important institution-it's not glorified dating although some people treat it that way. It is a precious way of life. Everything you do from the time you get married is for the good of the marriage. One's retirements are planned, one's life insurance is in place, one's children need to flourish and grow in a intact family, their education has to be considered, they both co-own a house, cars, furniture...there isn't a single thing in this man's marriage and life, that isn't affected by his marriage to his wife. This is why marriage is so important to many humans. So now, as the other woman, it's easier for you to be so blindsided by love for him, you are actually sympathetic to his 'plight' because you're only getting half of this man, the loving, good side. You don't have to put up with money issues, the stresses of child raising, the endless household chores, the day-to-day grind or long-term planning. Without all of those issues, of course he's going to seem fantastic! Try putting yourself in her shoes, just for one day. You may see another side to this man, that may finally make you wake up. But, if you really look at what you're wanting with this married guy, you'll realize you would never get the prize at all. What you're getting is a person who is willing to lie, cheat and avoid handling any real problems. You don't even know if the problems with his marriage stem from him or from his wife. You just have to take his word for it. Since his actions aren't following his words, I think you might have a clue as to how honest he's been with you. So, the real issue isn't whether he's going to leave his wife, but rather do you really want him 'if' he ever does? So why don't you stop this self-imposed torment and get out there and make a solid effort to have a happy life without this man. You are simply too obssessed..you've given up so much for him already. Learn to get yourself unstuck and start living again. Right now is the time to choose to regain back your life and your self-respect.
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