A
female
age
26-29,
*isGirl0516
writes:I’ve been with my daughters dad going on 7 years. We have talked about getting married but he’s never proposed or really made that step to commit. We live together and he provides for me and my daughter but when it comes to talking about getting married he sort of holds back. We have talked about having more children and we have been trying to have more but no luck, but now I’m thinking I don’t want to keep having his children if I’m not going to get married to him. I can’t think of a reason why he wouldn’t want to get married. I recently started writing back and forth with an old flame from middle school, and he’s stirring up some feeling for me. I just don’t know if my baby daddy’s lack of commitment is driving me away. What should I do! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2019):
 He IS committed to you. He's been with you for 7 years, fathered a child with you and supports you AND the child. THAT is commitment. But you also want LEGAL commitment in the shape of marriage. And honestly... You might NOT get that from this guy. Ever. Because he already HAVE the child with you, he lives with you and in all purpose you have a "marriage-like" relationship. He might think a piece of paper won't make any difference.
Depending on your state, you might have a "common-law" marriage. Which means you MIGHT have the same legal rights as if you WERE married, but hat all comes down to WHAT state you are in.
However, that might be slightly irrelevant for you as what you REALLY want is to be married, to be his wife.
If that is so, WHY did you CHOOSE to have his child before marriage? To LIVE with him for 7 years without marriage?
I think you need to let go of the contact with your old flame, that is neither here nor there. And your BF's resistance to MARRY you... DOESN'T give you the right to EMOTIONALLY cheat on him. I certainly wouldn't marry someone who was busy chatting up old flames behind my back....
You first priority is to SORT out your relationship with your BF. Getting married won't salvage ANYTHING. So if things aren't GREAT they way they are... FIX that shit! don't add another GUY to the mix.
DO NOT keep trying for another baby. GET on birth-control and ask him to use condoms. And tell him why you don't WANT another kid right now.
Does he KNOW why you want to get married? Why it's so important to you? If not YOU TWO need to have that discussion.
To me though it seems you are USING the fact that he hasn't proposed or married you as an EXCUSE for you to cheat.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 January 2019):
 I think it is your developing relationship with your old flame which is driving you away from your boyfriend, just as much, if not more so than his reluctance to commit to you.
I think putting having more babies on hold for the time being is definitely a good decision. You also need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or whether you have both outgrown it. You got bot together as teenagers (assuming he is same/similar age to you) so you are very different people now to when you first started dating.
It is never right to cheat. Decide whether you want to work on this relationship. If so, stop flirting with your old flame. If not then end it kindly and cleanly and move on. Adult life is about making decisions. Cheating while staying in your relationship is NEVER a good or kind decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): OP, you’re young. Why the rush? Not only that, but it’s rushing to the point of bringing babies in before a legal commitment from your boyfriend.Please don’t take this the wrong way, but what do you contribute to the relationship? He provides. You talk about marriage and he won’t commit. You have babies and he pays for you and them. You’re both trying to have more babies for him to provide for, even though he won’t commit.Stop. Stop trying to add babies before marriage. He should know after 7 years if he wants to marry you or not. Don’t risk having babies with men who won’t commit first. Get on birth control and use condoms - EVERY time.Do you have a job? If not, when will you get one? If he provides for you, what will you do if he splits one day? You’ll be a single mother (potentially if 2 or 3 babies) and no money of her own with nothing but “motherhood” to put on her recent resume for jobs. Motherhood is great, but it won’t support anyone or get you hired for a job if/when you need/want one. Even just working one day a week is better than nothing, so you earn your own money and have something to put on an application for a part-time or full-time job in the near future.Sit down and have a proper chat about “are we getting married or not?“ If he says no, what are you going to do? If he says yes, but 6 - 12 months later still hasn’t proposed, what are you going to do? This is why it needs to be sorted before children, but especially before more children. Marriage and/or children is a deal breaker for most people and needs to be confirmed before either is done. Unfortunately, you’ve already had a child before marriage (lovely child, but wrong way round if you want marriage) and are still trying for more before he confirms he is going to marry you.There’s no excuse for you chatting with an old flame who’s reigniting feelings. That’s cheating. Stop it. Take responsibility for your actions. You are having babies with a man you’re losing interest in because he won’t marry you. It’s a mess. Stop risking more babies. Sit down and ask him *for the last time* “do you want to marry me?” If he says yes, “when? I can’t have any more children without the legal commitment from you”.As for your actions, stop talking to the old flame. Your boyfriend is out there providing for you and you’re emotionally cheating while trying to have another baby with him.
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