A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend broke up with me after neary 2 years and he wants to be friends but im really in love with him and dont think i can stay sane and be friends with him, am i being immature? he is the love of my life and i havent even begun to cope with the break-up and unfortunately as we have mutual friend i will eventually see him, i feel mean as i know he just wanted to end things nicely, i have no hard feelings towards this man, he was honest and upfront with me and i know in my heart its better to end things as soon as needs be as theres no point delaying the pain but i reall dont have the strenght to be his friend. i know this means we will have no contact but can anyone understand that i just cant do this? i cant love someone so deeply and be their "buddy"? i dont know what to do, part of me is still in denial because he said we would end up happy and laugh about this but i know i need to deal with this break-up fully so am i too mean to refuse friendship???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): I wrote the original question:thanks so much for the answers, it is a little easier sometimes but then for no real reason its rotten again, him tryin not to hurt me durin the breakup has made it worse because he said things like "we'll look back and laugh" and "lots of people have break ups nd end up happy together" its hard to deal with this as i really did think he was the one but i think he said those things to be noce but i dont think he meant them. cant he see how it makes things worse, im also lost my job the other week and really feel low.but even if he asked me back i think even though i love him he left me when i needed him and cant have been honest with me with all that he said.im so so sad and dont even have a job to distract myself with.thanks for the replies, glad im not a monster refusing friendship-although he didnt even ring when he said he would so i really am lost and confused.
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (6 August 2007):
 As Laura stated, even someone who is much older can relate to how you feel. I am 41, and the samething happened to me. We don't have any mutual friends and we don't live close at all, so I on the other hand will never see him. I still love him with all my heart and soul because I gave him my heart, but he seems to be very happy and moving on quite well. Me on the other hand, hurt so bad and can't stop crying at times. In my heart I really thought he was going to be THE ONE, and then he changed his mind and refused to understand a part of me that had been neglected nor made any effort in wanting to try and work things out. I can't control him or what he thinks is best, but I can control me and take what I learned from this relationship and pray that if and when I do have another relationship I won't make the same mistake twice in thinking he really did want to pursue one, when there were signs along the way that he didn't. He didn't make many efforts to contact me. We have to really listen to the words men or women use for that matter and we can only hope and pray they mean what they say..but sometimes it can be very hard, because we love with all are heart and then some. I wanted to talk to him so bad after the break up and try to patch things up, but it didn't work. Now, all I can think about is he doesn't love me...and that is what drives me away. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have the love, nor want to show it or be with me. What an endless relationship. (and I'm not one to fake it because I'm scared of being alone either!)
You have to do what you have to do in order to live your life...and if that means you cannot be friends with him, I can understand that. It would be hard.
There are those that you could, and I really think it depends on the sincerity of the relationship and how it affected you. Alot has to do because you do not love them the same way or at all in that respect.
All that can be said, follow what you feel that you have to do. I can tell you still love him with all your heart, even though it didn't work out. Who knows, maybe things could change down the road..one never knows.
Best of luck in your future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): i agree with Auntie Em on everything except the letting him back in your life part. My ex and i were together for a long time, and I was in the very same place you were.I casually ended it due to selfishness on his part.(we were 16 at the time) It seemed he would bring me back in his life about every 4 mos. (he was also involved with someone at the time) This went on for 2 yrs. There were only 2 sexual encounters in that time between us. The last one i ended right in the middle. As those months turned to years, ive built up alot of resentment, and hatred for my ex now. We no longer have contact with each other. Its better that way, because i really got to see how he really is. He makes a horrible ex i can tell you that, but only because i was strong, and stood up to him after!
If he only wants you in his life as a friend, as hard as it maybe, walk away from him! If you still have deep emotional feelingsfor him, a friendship will NOT work! It will for him, because he obviously doesnt have those same feelings for you anymore. Even if you take a few months to clear your head (as i did) you will go right back into the same rut when he calls you again! It took me a very long time to get over him, because he was still in my life. Its been 7 mos. and counting, and im proud to say.....i am 100% over him!(which i NEVER thought i would) I no longer have the desire to ever consider talking to him again!
I know exactly how you are feeling, but as time goes on, you'll see a more clearer picture. Dont contact him, and above all dont take any phone calls from him! Get him COMPLETELY out of your life. Trust me, you will do so much better in the long run!!
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A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (6 August 2007):
Hi,
Excellent advice from AuntyEm. No of course you can’t be mates until you are over him, it would be torture to someone who is still in love. Maturity has nothing to do with this. Believe me, if you were 30, 40 or 50 you would not feel any differently about it. It is unfortunate that you have a mutual friend, but that’s often how it goes. In fact only one friend in common is pretty good – couples often have entire networks of shared friends. I’m sure you can re-jig your social life a bit so that you can avoid him as much as possible. If he or your shared friend asks why you are seeing less of them, just be honest. Tell them what you told us – you can’t handle it at the moment. Put it that way, and they can’t be offended with you. You need to be a bit selfish for a while now. You have no duty to your ex, and not much to your shared friend. It will be all about how to get you through this pig of a phase until you are over him. Each day will be easier even though you don’t realise it at first. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 August 2007):
 I don't think your too mean to refuse friendship at all. You are feeling hurt and rejected and to have to forcibly stand down on all the feelings you have built up for this guy, really will make you feel very down indeed.
I have my own thoughts on the whole 'staying friends' thing and I think it depends on the person and the reason they ended the affair. I am the type of person who prefers brutal honesty ('I dumped you because your butt is too big, you talk too much, you remind me of Bernard Manning'...that kinda honesty) because it allows me to get a little anger going and that, in some strange way, helps me overcome the feelings of loss.
Most men when they end things, will avoid hurting you if they possibly can by suggesting you stay friends. They cannot percieve how a woman actually internalises this suggestion. In short, a woman will ALWAYS feel nothing less than rejection (however the guy dresses it up)He may genuinely want to stay friends, but experience tells us that those friendships rarely last, especially when you both move on to new romantic interests.
Of course you cannot love this guy and be his buddy. Who of us ever wants to live with unrequieted love?...and especially rejected unrequieted love?...its a glaringly painful reminder of what we had, what we desire and what we lost...WHO NEEDS IT???
Remove yourself from him, deal with your feelings in whatever way you need to, focus on yourself, cry, shout, scream and lament the end of the relationship. Don't badger him or do him down, just retreat with grace and dignity. If, after a few months he really does want to have you in his life as a friend, then let him come to you on bended knee. Then you will be thinking more clearly and will be able to decide if your going to allow him the pleasure of getting back into your life.
I wish you all the best sweetie and remember, things do get better as time passes.
Aunty Em xxx
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