A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 years old, and have been married to my husband for four years, but with him since I was 19 years old. We do not have any children. We are great friends. The problem has been our sex life. He has forced me to do things that I have not wanted to do, never kisses me, or will not have sex with me for months on end - and when he does it is rough and fast. Our relationship got to the state where each night after work he would come home and play playstation for hours on end, never kiss or hug me and would only want to have sex on his terms when he wanted it. My sexual feelings for him died long ago. I have however continually tried very hard to re-ignite the spark and show him things in bed we could do together that we both like, but he is just not interested. I've spent now years of sleepless nights, I've questioned my own attractiveness and have generally felt like something is missing. I want to have a family, feel passion for my husband, and now believe both these things wont happen. About a year ago I met a younger guy who I just clicked with and slowly but surely began an affair. This guy treats me with such tenderness and care. However, he has moved overseas (he is from another country), but has promised me he is moving back to my country in a month and a half and wants to live with me. I have told my husband about the affair and he has now told me that he wants to move on with his life. My family and friends think that I should do everything I can to keep a hold of my husband because he is such a 'nice guy'. I never wanted to be divorced and am wondering if I should try harder, with everything I can, to salvage my marriage. However, the new guy really ticks all of my boxes and I have amazingly strong feelings for him, friendship, love and passion. Should I accept his offer to move in? I know the breakdown of my marriage will lead to disappointment from my parents and the loss of many friends as they just cannot understand why I cannot try harder to work it out with my husband. The last couple of years of my marriage have left me feeling rather depressed, and I wonder if I should take a walk on the wild side with the new guy. From what I've read on the internet, most people say that relationships started from affairs are doomed. Any thoughts on my dilemma?
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affair, depressed, divorce, move on, sex life, spark, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Have you and your husband tried marriage counseling? Before you run off with this younger man, I would give your marriage one more try with the help of a counselor. Please let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 February 2011):
 While it is true that generally people are happier if the solve the problems in their marriage rather than divorce, there are some notable exceptions. Abuse is one of those. When you say that he has forced you to do sexual things that you don't want, that is abuse. When you say that he always want's Rough Sex, that could be abuse.
Gamers neglect is a growing problem amongst men. The trend worries me. What worries me more is that a young married man doesn't want sex for months. I would strongly suspect that you were not the only one to have an affair. Especially where he is so eager to "move on with his life."
Whether it is a good idea to take up with a man from a different culture who leaves the country frequently, is a whole different issue. Generally you would be advised to take some time alone and find a more solid partner after some healing and therapy. One thing is certain, you are better off out of your marriage. And, I never say that lightly.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): It doesn't seem like there's anything to salvage, this marriage seems to have come to an end. from what you say your husband has shown little interest in you as a woman merely viewing you as a friend. This new guy has sparked your passions and made you feel desired but your husband represents security, but he has stated he wants to move on, so maybe you should too, at least there are no kids involved. Go and be happy. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Sweetie, clearly you are very unhappy and no longer have those loving feelings towards your husband.I suggest that you take a break from BOTH men, give yourself a bit of time before you make a final decision.Do not move into the new guy's home, rather wait until you have divorced before dating again.There is a huge percentage of relationships that are started from affairs that are doomed. Why? Well you are comparing your husband and all his habits etc., to a man that has only shown you his good side... what are his bad habits - they might be worse than your husbands. Also once the excitement of the chase/cheating is over, then chances are either you or he will look for a new conquest, a new affair to get that 'high' that you get from having a forbidden relationship.So take time out, alone, go to an individual counsellor to get your thoughts straight, then make a decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): It isn't easy to turn your back on a life you've had for some years but it seems that you've tried to resolve issues with your husband and it hasn't been successful. It's too easy for friends and family to give you only rational, logical advice as they don't feel your depression resulting from your dissatisfaction in your marriage. Sometimes it's necessary to take a bit of a risk to figure out what your true feelings are. Try to separate yourself from what others expect of you. Pursue happiness and follow your heart. And why should it be all your responsibility to salvage your marriage? Seemingly your husband hasn't always put in his best effort to make you feel loved. If you think you'd like him to start making more of an effort, if you think that will make the difference, then try counseling. If you think you've done what you can but your efforts are exhausted, then separation/divorce is sadly a realistic option. But be true to yourself in whatever you do.
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