A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an amazing BF, never met anyone like him. His family’s great as well and they’ve made me feel so welcome. My parents however are a bit different. Their English is not very good and they don’t have many friends here. My dad is a bit strange, he doesn’t like to socialize at all and he only has one friend who he sees like once every few months. He gets frustrated easily, he’s always in a bad mood and he just doesn’t seem to like anyone or anything.My BF has met my parents and the meeting went well. My mum then invited him over for my b-day dinner. I’ve been over to his parents’ so many times, and have even met his extended family.He’s now asking when he’s going to come around my parents’ again and I don’t know what to say. I don’t want him to come because it’s so awkward and there’s no point. I get all stressed about it, they don’t have much to say and it’s just not productive. Language is a big issue and the last time my BF was over, there was so much silence…I was going insane trying to keep the conversation going. He made an effort as well but neither of my parents talked much.I love my BF and don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him to come over anymore. I’m happy to be with him and not involve my parents in any way. Because he’s so family oriented he seems to expect to be a huge part of my family life too. I live with my parents and he lives with his brother. I dated a guy from our culture two years ago and my parents are still in touch with his parents. When he came over to pick me up it was so much different. We never got into anything serious so I don’t know if they would have been the same towards him as well.I’m looking forward to the day when I move out (my dad's been unwell and I'm helping out with the finances at the moment, don't want to leave my parents high and dry with the house) and have my own life and only visit the parents occasionally. I don’t know what to do in the meantime. I don’t want my BF to feel like I don’t care about him but how can I explain to him that I don’t want to involve him in my family life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): Thanks to all of you for the answers. I liked the personal examples.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (23 March 2010):
 I am English and my boyfriend is Portuguese. He lives with his grandparents and they don't speak english. I don't speak portuguese. But I still socialise with his grandparents. Believe it or not, you can bond without actually talking. If he proves himself to be a good boyfriend and helps your parents round the house and he eats their cooking and enjoys their hospitality, that is a lot of what really counts. My boyfriend's grandparents really like me because they can see for themselves how happy I make him. His Nan even said she missed me the other day! And I feel respected that they like me and accept me. I know I am welcome amongst them. It's also interesting to experience a different culture. That's probably why your boyfriend finds it important. My boyfriend is a part of my family now he and my family are really glad that he's there, and they make each other happy as well as just making me happy. Don't dismiss how enjoyable it could be having your boyfriend active within your family before you let him into it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 March 2010):
 Tell him and explain to him that it is a cultural thing and that you do not share the same concepts.You were brought up with a different concept and background.
He should be able to understand and accept your perspective if he loves you .
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): I was in the same situation, but in the English b/f's shoes. If he loves you enough, he'll let your parents talk as much of their own language around him as they want. He shouldn't expect them to speak any English at all, at first, because they won't be able to, since they're not exposed to it. When he goes to their place (or your place), he should talk through you, and you translate, and let it happen back and forth between them and him. The other thing is they're not going to talk to him much, and they'll talk to you alot, right in front of him, but not because they don't like him but because they get really used to you translating to him, randomnly. Watch movies with them when he visits, and they'll enjoy it even if the movies are in English, because when they feel the need to understand, you'll translate to them. They'll slowly learn alot of English just from movies. My now mother-in-law always likes love movies, and just from watching movies almost everyday, she learned English really fast....my father-in-law didn't learn near as fast, but he's slowly starting to come around..15 years later. The point is, it doesn't matter if they can speak to your b/f in English or he can speak to them in their language, because you can translate, and should, between all of them. Yes, I've missed alot of untranslated words and stories, and I've sat quiet while alot of conversing went on in another language, but your b/f will probably feel content and will have alot of patience, even if he feels like a fly on the wall at times. He has to learn to say, "What did they say?", or "What's that?", or "What happened, that was funny?", etc.. It will work out, don't worry. The biggest problem I ever had was old school views on the in-laws' part, which they've slowly let go of, for the most part.
I know it's common to think that talking in a foreign language around someone who doesn't understand is rude and ignorant, but it's not like that at all when you're going out with someone who's relatives speak another language. In fact, it really helps break down walls or barriers, as long as one of you knows how to speak and understand both languages (I'm assuming you know how to both speak and understand your native language). Don't ever tell him that he can't be involved with your family life..be proud of both him and your family, and try to keep them together by taking him around your family. A simple hi or bye is all they really need to directly say in one of the languages..apart from that, translating will allow them to speak to each other, and even joke and laugh with each other. I actually really enjoy my time around her parents, and when I remember first being with her, I always look back and see us all gathered around a kitchen table and eating and talking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): Have you explained to him why you haven't invited him around more? If you haven't that might be a good place to start. Maybe hearing what you are thinking will make him worry less. Maybe he feels like the fact that you haven't invited him around again is a reflection of your feelings for him. Maybe he didn't view the interaction with your parents the same way you did. Talking openly about it would probably be helpful for both of you.
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