A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago, my girlfriend and i started dating. before this happened, we were friends for almost 2 years. Things are great, for the most part, if it wouldnt be for 2 things. 1- we live 1000 miles away from one another, i just recently was able to go and see her for about a week (it really was the best time of our lives). Coming back was really hard, as we both wished i could ve stayed there, be with her, and start our life together. but number 2, is that she knows very intimate details about past partners and experiences, because when we were friends i would talk about what was going on and vent and tell her about experiences. she didnt seem to mind back then, except for telling me that she believed i was better than acting and doing what i was doing and that she didn't agree with someone doing that. Now, it's eating the relationship, it's hurting her a lot. She s trying to deal with what she knows of me, of how i used to be, and trying to understand how i did change my life. I know i'm responsible for her pain, as I'm bringing all that with me in the relationship. I want to help her get better and support her, but it's really hard for me to see her in pain like this, see her mad at me for doing what i did, and her being stuck with these thoughts or me with other people. I try to reassure her, that I found the person i want to be with for the rest of my life, that i am sorry, and that i regret everything I've done because none of it ever made me happy, which i am now with her. but she knows too much, and it's driving her insane, and making her sad thinking that she's not special to me. and i dont know what to do or say, when those thoughts come to her. I try to support her and listen to her, but i'm still confused as to how i can help her deal with all that. I know things about her past to, but it doesnt seem to affect me as much... And to make things worse, i couldnt admit to her exactly what things were. I lied to her about it, and then came clean, i didnt understand how i could admit to her that i wanted all that. that, this was who i was. even tho i told her i know i was wrong, and regret it, it wasnt enough, she still needed to hear me actually say that i WANTED it. confused as to why and how i was supposed to admit that to the person i love...? and it boggles my mind to sometimes... that even tho she knew about all that and she knew what kind of past i have... if it was too much why would she still choose me? of all people? How can we make this work, how can i help her deal with all that, how can i make her see that only she matters to my eyes. that she is the one. What can we do? Am i selfish for making her go through that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): If you both know this is a problem, and she knows her obsession is tearing down the good things but can't help it; first she's a woman and this is what women do. We fear the worst and obsess. Tho you may not realize she is also hoping for the best and just waiting for the right thing to be said/ done. Something to put her mind at ease that you have chosen her. That even thru all your experiences, what you have together is what you want the most. That's why you are with her. You have already taken the biggest step. Loving and caring for her. And thinking of her feelings, trying to find a solution. Advise? Trust me on this one: SHOW HER THIS POST YOU MADE. And any comments on it. Her heart is aching and I know how she feels. Guilty. Almost victimized. And guilty again for feeling that way. If g you can get over this hurdle, you will be stronger from the gross details from the past. Stronger, not weaker. Just you wait and see
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Well first of all, it sounds like this is more her problem that yours because she is reacting strongly whereas you know her past and don't react the same way. She is the one who needs to deal with her side. It sounds as if you have come a long way in giving up what you describe as a 'bad' past. To me, it is better to be honest with the person you are in a relationship with, and you have done that. The past is the past; she should let it stay where it is and think more about the future. Maybe if you can't help any more than you do, she could have counselling.
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Hmm... well, first off, I want to say congratulations on dating a close friend. That's usually a very good way to start off a relationship, and I'm sorry you've hit some rocks this early. But when these rocks are over, there should be some clear road ahead of you.I believe your feelings for her, and I believe that you really want to make this work. Therefore, the best advice I can give is to keep doing what you are doing and follow your gut instinct. You know her better than any of us, and you really want to make her see past your past and into her present with you. Therefore by instinct you should be able to comfort her in a way that will uniquely help her out.I know that isn't much, but just keep doing what you are doing. Reassure her of your devotion. Then reassure her again. Then a couple more times. Maybe try taking her out on dates and not bringing it up, not in hopes of her forgetting, but in hopes of her realizing that you are putting your past behind you and looking just at her.I think your love with lead you in the right direction. Sounds corny, but that's my thought. Good luck with everything. I hope it works out for you.
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