A
female
age
41-50,
*aridisepassion
writes:Im trying to figurethis out about the No Contact rule..does it only apply to those who love eachother and have bee in a long committed relationship I.e 3 years strong or off and on..or can it still apply for a short relationship for a month and half..and with little to no love?Can the no contavt rule benefit for the shorter former couple as well?Could the no contact rule creat a missing effect for the month nd a half relationship if the love level is low and more of a caring..Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Paridisepassion +, writes (5 December 2010):
Paridisepassion is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes..Nd I expect her to go back to him..but just like a addict ..she needs to know the end herself..she mut be able to say No to him all together..or just like anyother addict the drug will consume you and bring you to your doom..
I believe the ones who harbor over love a lot longer than the average well ajusted person might do..is a relationship love addict..they are also emotionally unavailable..it may sound like a contridiction but far from it..
We love because we cannot feel..so we are emotional unavailable..we become an. addict because we need more of that other persons love..without it where empty..emotionally unavailable..
Instead of taking the time to consume no contact and get our emotions in tact..discover why we cannot be alone..and why we are addicted..we tend to only place a new face ontop of our hurt and start the cycle again..or like in your friends case Cerebus we tend to repeatively abuse ourselves with that so call persons attention or love..
The key word here is ..abuse..we abuseourselves..because to us emotionless addicts who love love..we really love pain..
That is why your friend my need some councling as all of us who are willing addicts need..you see she frowns upon no contact as a drug addict frowns upon being sobar or drug free..her high wich is her boyfriend will be taken away..the pain will be taken away..we addicts need pain..
I feel for her because..this cycle..this limbo..will only terminate those who are willing to go in circles..starting internally..
I am now taking my obsession and addiction and turning it toward no contact..I am testing myself if I am strong enough to ride it until the wheels fall of..You should know a secret..I feel inside that I can..
You see I lost my self when I was with my ex ..I jumped when he said jumped..I was his robot..I never was that before..he was attracted to my strength and individuality and untameness..now I became his twin..wheich in return showed him his interest is no longer there..I don't blame him..I too saw my self fade..
That is why I am doing and sticking to no contact because I know the real strong independent ..untaimable me is still in there..I also find it interesting everyday to be alone with me..because everyday I find something new and fasinating..
New things I couldn't find when I was with him..when I was clouded by the word love..new theings that amazes me..things that I love about me..
I also cut off all my fwb..no longer will they suck my energy dry..
This relationship showed me I nolonger will let another man use me..for nothing..
And I can say No..
I am happier now bymyself than I was with him..I enjuoy Me
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I'm glad to hear you're able to do it too Paridisepassion. Breaking up is never easy and the temptation to just meet up one more time, to just be with that person and feel the original love for just one more moment is very strong. It really is a form of addiction. If you let that person back in once, if you respond to anything it opens the door for your feelings again and that person and you're back to square one.
My friend could never get over that feeling, she knew what he was playing at, she's in her 30's and she knew the consequence to her mental well being every time. But she always convinced herself that the pain would be worth just one more dose of him. It never was, but he always came back drunk talking about how much he loved her too and all this other crap for sex and she wanted it so badly to be true she let herself dare to believe. Then each morning the day after he'd tell her it wasn't possible for them to be together or he'd just leave without saying anything.
You see she's stubborn by nature too, she just couldn't accept that he didn't feel the same because he always came back. To her that was a sign that he cared because the idea that he didn't was too much for her, she'd rather have him in her life for just a moment and deal with the consequences than not at all. I mean he cheated on her, left her after she miscarried his child, blaming her for that. Over and over again he screwed her and left. If he heard she had another guy he'd come over in a blind rage and attack the guy. He was mentally and emotionally abusive, she knew this and expressed many a time she wished she could get over him but she always insisted on being friends with him, always. She wished he would leave the country and never contact her again. But she never had to strength to do that herself.
If she'd gone no contact instead then he would have been gone a long time ago, now he's gone again and she's getting over him. She says she hates him and will never be with him again. But if he contacts her again and she responds then cycle begins again. I hope he doesn't but I know guys like him, they miss the control, they miss the power and dominance they have over a girl like that. His main problem is that he too can't let go because he can't pretend to be nice to women, they always see him for what he is, so the only choice he has is to go back to her and be an asshole.
For me no contact is the most logical thing in the world. If I was that guy I would left her alone to move on and never contacted her again. If it was a case of acting stupid while drunk and calling her up I'd stop drinking until those feelings were gone. No contact works, it works exceptionally well, if a heroin addict never saw heroin again, never was around anyone who took it, then they'd be clean for the rest of their lives. It's only logical.
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A
female
reader, Paridisepassion +, writes (5 December 2010):
Paridisepassion is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAmazing how you all have such developed answers..even though annos has a well developed analogy and really smart..I believe she missed the point..she is intelligent but missed the big picture as we say..But again Cerbus..you have brung it all back to earth..
No contact has helped me tremendously..I feel my heart healed and my brain in control..all I want is scraps of answers..but I know one day I will wake up and completely be over him as my other exs..the time away was brilliant..I don't want him back again as Cerbus said while you are with that person you love them and are clouded by judgement..while the other person will never love you but..then uses you..
Its sad to hear your friend go through such horrors..due to a manipulative..childish looser of a man..who ues for satisfaction..
She needs a dose of No contact..to relieve herself from totally breakdown..
That iw why with the little week attempt my ex used to reach out through text..just to see if I was ok after the break up..or whatever he had inmind Id did not entertain ..there must be a beginning and a end to everythiing..I could not here I can't be with you anymore..or im not the one for you..or your not the one ..no more..I needed to not see him ever..I feel justified and rhightious..I feel healed..and I love it..theres more to come for me..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): While beautifully written female anons post is not applicable in every situation. Communication is not always the key and I think she kind of missed the point of going no contact. She does mention time out, which to me implies the same thing.
Look no contact is just the best way to get over strong feelings for someone and move on. That's all it is. There are no time frames or rules to it. You can have very strong feelings for someone after a month too, taking a time out as she calls it is essentially going no contact. Taking time to reflect on things without having them in your life clouding your judgment with emotions.
For me it works exceptionally well, but it's a personal thing perhaps. Maybe female anon thinks it's childish to ignore a man/woman who was very abusive to you in a relationship and won't let you get on with your life and keeps contacting you. Maybe female anon thinks it's a good idea to keep trying to talk to someone who has left, isn't going to come back and you simply just can't get over. Or that it's just foolish to want to spend some time getting over someone before trying to be friends or realizing friends will never be enough and every time you see them your feelings are reignited.
You know being in love can be an emotional addiction to a person and no contact is going cold turkey. You don't get over drug addiction by going to raves, or alcoholism by going to the pub. You stop until the urges are completely gone before you do, even then some people take just one sip and they're back on the wagon. The same as meeting up with an ex you've spent a long time trying to get over, thinking you had, only to see their face again and realize you still love them and want them back.
For female anons post to work then everyone has to be as good a communicator as she is, I mean you can tell from her writing style she's a very logical well thought out analyzer of things but most people are not, especially when clouded by love.
It takes a hell of a long time to get over someone you love deeply but if you still have them in your life, still as your friend then it takes even longer and is twice as hard, if it's even possible at all. Love isn't logical, it's not just going to go away because you know the other person doesn't love you because if you're still in contact then that urge is being satisfied and not in the way you want so it causes pain.
Break ups can be hell, they're a loss that is so keenly felt that only the death of a family member or close friend is worse.
The only time when it's not necessary to go no contact in my opinion is when a break up is amicable, when the relationship was very casual and neither person was in love with the other and there's no risk of getting back with that person.
No contact also prevents on/off relationships which are torture. You see the best way to get over every break up is to move on, no contact means you can move on more quickly and more completely. I know a girl that dated a guy for 3 years in which time she fell completely and wholly in love with him. Now he couldn't be with her because he didn't love her but he did want to be FWB's so she spent 4 more years being with him for a month or two like a couple only for him to walk away when she started talking love and commitment again. Over and over again he did this. He'd come over after a month or two of being apart drunk only for sex and each time she thought this time she can convince him to love her. For four years, each time he left she was absolutely crushed, bulimic, self harming, suicidal then when she'd calmed down a bit after a month of no contact he always reappeared drunk looking for sex.
No contact works, it take away the thing that keeps your love alive, if you can't get over a person then you need them out of your life or you never have a chance at a healthy normal relationship with anyone else.
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A
female
reader, Paridisepassion +, writes (5 December 2010):
Paridisepassion is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is true..but question what if the partner dumps you..you can't take a break they are already done..to them there finished..that is why the no contact is attentive because..while you as an individual is healing you are also respecting your partners space..
But isn't a Break the same as No contact?
No contact also benefits when the other partner now has a sure label of being needy..with no contact they ca appear strong willed and independent..and with the brief time apart they also literally can become that..
Im interested in hearing more of what you have to say
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): ~NO CONTACT IS CHILDISH~
I am a firm believer of communication, meaning that all parties involved must be honest, empathetic, understanding and willing to put all effort required to promptly address an issue with the final goal of reaching a resolution objectively condusive to all parties involved.
I am an opponent of procrastination whereby one, more or all parties merely deny, overlook or avoid a problematic issue by merely sweeping it under the carpet (I.e. No Contact) whereby the issue simply festers and multiplies into a more viral state, ultimately resulting in heightened conflict and discontention with a subsequent disagreement as the issue that was swept under the carpet with no contact someone manifests itself in the new issue at hand which is was left unaddressed.
Additionally, on a more interpersonal level, I regard no contact as a form of vindictive punishment or revenge, both of which merely serve to provoke hurt, pain, anger, fear of no return, confusion, limbo and/or resentment amongst other unhealthy destructive debiliatating anxieties.
I do however support time out, which unfortunately some confuse with no contact, not understanding that the difference between the two is time out is brief in duration, whereby all participants take a brief step away from one another to tame out of control emotion, which only serves to hinder constructive communication and effective resolution.
Communication is the key.
If no contact is what an affiliation or relationship is reduced to than respect no contact and never come back. It's childish and precious moments are unnecessarily waisted and lost forever...Pointless.
Life is to preciously short and unguaranteed to spend it in frown.
~Don't worry. Be happy.~Live, Love and Laugh~
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