A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm looking for some impartial advice because I'm really confused and not sure if there is something wrong with me or my relationship.Basically, I'm 28, have been with my boyfriend for over 3.5 years and I love him a lot. However I don't feel ready to live with him yet. In fact the idea makes me feel panicky and trapped. We only see each other a couple of times a week at the moment because of our schedules, so maybe that's why?He's been my only serious relationship so I've never lived with a guy before, but I've always imagined I'd be so happy and excited to take that step. But I'm really not, I feel like I want to run for the hills when he brings it up.So does this mean my relationship isnt right or do some people never feel that excitement about living together?Thank you so much in advance. Anne.
View related questions:
trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 If you changed the phrase "live with" to "go scuba diving with" ... or "drive really fast on a rain-slicked, twisty country road"... would your submittal be of about the same intensity for you? If "yes," then you have grounds to say, simply, "I don't think that ("living together") is something that I want to do, just now"....
Guys LIKE "living together" because it usually changes the dynamic of our "relationship" such that WE gain control, and we get regular s*x, AND the lady, sometimes, will behave like a substitute Mother..... so we reach NIRVANA... and the poor girl has now committed to a situation which is oh-so difficult to extricate herself from it... AND!!!! We didn't have to get "married" (or, really, make much of a committment, after all) to achieve this!!!
Think twice about it.... and when you're done with that.... think about it a third time!!!!
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Not enough information "Anne". There's no way to say why you feel trapped. Maybe you don't love him, maybe you hate change, maybe you have family issues in your past, maybe your a lesbian in denial. I sure as heck don't know, but you do.
So, the answer is in your head. He wants to move in and you "panic".
What's the first image that comes in your head, arguements, restrictions.. what??? What would life would a man look like?
Maybe the space is too small? Imagine him and you in the biggest house possible. Do you still get the panic?
OK, how about we replace him with someone else. Imagine the sexiest man in the world, is the panic still there. Ok, replace that image, imagine living with the friendliest woman on earth. Now imagine living alone forever and dying on your own.
Your gonna have to do the work. Why does the panic come? Exactly what is bothering you. Living with people, living with a man, or living with this man. I can't read your mind or the situation from what you've written here.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 October 2013):
 If you don't feel ready to move in with him, then follow your instincts and don't do it.
It doesn't mean there is anything wrong in your relationship it just means your not ready YET.
Listen to your gut feeling.
Living with someone is a major huge step in life and some couples break up after moving in together (I've seen that happen a lot of times!)
Goodluck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 October 2013):
Well, I've always got excited by the idea when it was brought up by the right person. When the wrong person asked I probably looked at her like she was crazy.
Maybe you need to evaluate your relationship. See what you guys can do to improve it. Are you afraid for any particular reason that you can think of? Is he messy/irresponsible/etc?
If there doesn't seem to be any reason I don't know what to suggest except that it may be you feel like you're not ready to settle and moving in with him is step #1 to marriage. For someone with little experience this could be intimidating.
Maybe you guys need a break?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): You're afraid of giving up your independence and you may not see enough commitment on his part to take the leap.You must weight the pros and cons, and whether you're content with giving up what you've already established for yourself.You mentioned you don't see each other much, you may as well have your own place be that the case. Giving up familiar surroundings for the possibility of spending a lot of time in his place without him is pretty scary. So you need to talk about it and come to a compromise before the move. You might need more reassurance it's worth the sacrifice. You just might be set in your ways, and doing something so significant is always a bit unnerving. You may lose some closet space. Two people in one flat. You leaving your place, to reside in his.Introspect and study the emotion you describe as feeling "trapped." I understand the panic. Giving up your own space to share space. You've never lived with a guy before. Doing something that represents taking a bigger step in the relationship. Less me, more us. "Trapped!?"Do you mean by distance (as in isolated?), inconvenience due to remoteness, or a fear of deeper commitment? Make sure you don't do it until you've resolved all your issues about it. Once you're in, it's not easy to run!
...............................
|
