A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have more issues than I can count. We are in our late 20s, been together 3+ yrs, and live together. Issue #1, he is a mamas boy. Whatever mom wants, he does. He goes above and beyond son duties. He gives her just as much, if not more $ than he gives me for rent. She lives beyond her means and my bf flips the bill. And btw we don't have much $, we are not rich. She guilt trips him for everything. She calls screaming and yelling if she doesn't get what she wants. She thrives on drama. 2nd issue, we have next to no sex life. I feel worthless in bed, and unwanted. I've been told I'm beautiful, so I don't understand. I feel 2nd best to everything. When we do have sex, we just jump right into it. No foreplay.. no reving me up.. but I do whatever for him. My self esteem has plummeted to nothing. I feel so on edge on why he doesn't want me. It makes me feel undesireable, and it sucks. It hurts, and not even lingerie gets him going. Id do anything to please him, but its not returned. Issue 3, he plays games for 3-4 sometimes 5 hrs a day. I try not to bitch, but it's hard not to when he can do whatever he wants, and everything I like is stupid, or boring. He just likes sitting on the couch, and watch tv or play games til he visits mom, and then go to work. When I cry he doesn't hug me, when I'm in pain he doesn't see it. But if mom is sick or cries he does whatever he can do to make her feel better. I don't know if I can take it anymore, and I love him but he hasn't even made an effort for anything in our future. I just feel he is miserable until he goes to see his mom. I do everything I can to make him happy, and it is certainly not returned. He has called me names, and even told me how pathetic I am when I cried. I just don't feel he loves me. None of his actions shows it. He says he loves me, but how can u love someone when you do alll of this. He has called me names not even my worst enemy has called me. I just know I don't know what more I can take. I'm 2nd best to everything, and yet he says I'm controlling, but only when I say how I feel. So what should I do. I doubt there's a future if nothing changes. And I'm tired of the stress. My self esteem is shot, and I'm just tired.
View related questions:
foreplay, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (11 October 2013):
 You are definitely NOT crazy.
Mama's boys can resort to lying because they want to suck up to their mum's and not upset them. One mama's boy I knew literally lied to his mum and his girlfriend just to avoid getting caught between them.
Not only that these mama's boys will make every excuse not to upset their "fantasy" life and if their mother doesnt agree with their choice of partner they will have excuses ready for why they cant commit. Mama's boys are useless in every department.
You should definitely think about your own future and happiness and as soon as you are able get away from him. He's just thinking about his own self not you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want each one of you to know you rock- and I mean that. I've read and reread these answers over and over again. It's funny when he is confronted with all of this, he lies, seems to not remember things he's said or done, tells me to go "find a prince charming bc he isn't", tells me how fake I am and take his mothers # out of my phone, blames me for things he has done, and he doesn't want to get married blah blah BLAH! I am just tired of dealing with him, and his immature self. I know this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. For gods sake he treats his dog better than me. I feel stuck, I have no car, no way of getting around, there's no bus service where I am, and it is hard. And although it's no reason to stay with someone, idk what else to do. I guess at this point I am going to set a game plan, so this way I can get around, and can live my life without this misery. I know life isn't a fairytale, but it surely shouldn't be hell either. And thank you again! It means a lot to know I'm not a crazy b****.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 October 2013):
Your partner does not deserve your love.
It's hard to start all over but its better that then loving a man who doesnt know how to quit being a mama's boy. He will never grow up; hence why he cant satisfy you and plays computer games.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 October 2013):
 You wrote three complete and cogent paragraphs, in which you outlined three very good reasons for splitting away from this guy..
"so what should I (you) do?".... split up with him, and get on with your life....
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 October 2013):
 He has called me names, and even told me how pathetic I am when I cried (anon 30-35)She calls screaming and yelling if she doesn't get what she wants (anon 30-35)I try not to bitch, but it's hard not to when he can do whatever he wants, and everything I like is stupid, or boring.(anon 30 -35)Do you see the pattern that seems clear to me?Mama screams, shouts and demands... he gives her stuff, he respects her. Your guys does what he wants, you try to make him happy, you respect him.You keep quiet, you put up with crap, you try to make everyone happy and they treat you like crap. Your second best with no self-esteem, because your only wish is to be a doormat.Mama could be your best friend. Watch her carefully, learn from her.. How does she act, what does she do to be called queen bee. That's what your guy respects. Find out how mama makes herself important and copy her.PS: Your guy aint five, he don't need another mama. He's too old to be hooked on computer games when he's got a sexy woman at home. If you start looking after yourself and stop waiting hand and foot on him, it will shake the hell out of him, and he'll get off his ass and come looking to see what your doing. Right now, your there waiting, he aint got to reason to try or care. Go out and leave him to play his games, go out and have fun and make him worried.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly thank each.and everyone of you for taking the time to give such thought filled answers. As I read over each anseer, I thought to myself, this would've been the same advice I would've given to someone in my shoes years ago. The truth of the matter is I love him, yet I don't even know why anymore. Things didn't start out like this, but of course everyones "honeymoon" phase is awesome. I can't stand the fact everything presently, and in our "future" is geared towards what he wants, and what he needs. It reallyt isn't fairt, and it definitely isn't what love is about. I feel like if we part ways, I will be stuck I guess. I don't really have friends anymore, my family doesn't really come around, and I just wish things were different. I just know love shouldn't hurt like this..
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 October 2013):
Your partner does not sound like he's mature to be in a relationship with you, even to the point he takes advantage of the situation.
If I was you I would pack my bags and leave as soon as I was able too. Someone who truly loves you would make an effort to see you smile.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Why do you stay? Do you think you owe him anything? It's MAKING you miserable to be with him and he doesn't care.
It will NEVER change, he will not grow up because this is all he knows and I think all he wants. In his mom's eyes he can do no wrong, in your eyes he is not the perfect guy - but in mom's they are - and THAT is what he wants.
He calls you controlling when yo u say how you feel. That is because you question him and his "authority". You question HIM.
Sorry, hun If I were you I'd be packing and moving on. Wasting more time on this "relationship" is only going cause you more grief.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 October 2013):
What is there to save? Why are you holding on to and trying to fix a relationship that makes you miserable?
It's one thing if there is an issue you're trying to fix. In this case, there is absolutely nothing you could say or do that would cause him to change enough for you to be happy.
That's like applying a bandage to someone who's been decapitated.
It's not going to be easy, but you need to leave him, or you're going to start having health issues because of all the stress. A relationship should make you happy! Don't listen to any promises he may make as you're walking out the door. Even if he wanted to change, there's just too many problems. The only change that will help you is a new boyfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 October 2013):
I think this is relationship is not worth pursuing for the reasons you have mentioned. Your time would be better spent finding someone who wants to share a life with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 They have a symbiotic relationship and his mom didn't allow him to separate from her to become a man. To avoid upsetting his mom he remains a little boy to this day. He might be confused about the role you play in his life. You are certainly not mom figure to him, but rather a woman who's a threat towards their relationship. He knows he's supposed to have a girlfriend because everyone else is in a relationship, but in it he has no idea what to do because his emotional growth had been stunted.
This is not something to take personally. You shouldn't waste more time with him because he doesn't understand the concept of give and take in a relationship. The thing that he does know is that women are demanding and they complain a lot. Mind you, his self esteem is even lower than yours. He has no capacity to determine which woman is more deserving of his touch and attention. Remember he is a little boy inside. You have to cut your losses because you are with the wrong person.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Hi, please do yourself and read the book When He's Married to Mom by Adams & Morgan. The book deals with helping (or knowing when to let go of) a 'mother-enmeshed man' and goes into the different types of mother-enmeshed men; one chapter describes your boyfriend quite well. There's also a checklist for how you know if you're dealing with a mother-enmeshed man, which it definitely sounds like your boyfriend is. Keep in mind that your boyfriend is suffering from a deep-seated, extremely unhealthy psychological issue; this is an emotionally incestuous relationship he has with his mother, caused by his mother, and it will affect all of his relationships with other women. Nothing will get better unless your boyfriend gets therapy. Even being physically away from his mother would not be enough - he needs help. Don't wait for things to change on their own! Read this book, leave him, get him help, do anything but continue to go on as things are. He will NOT change without professional help, if he can change at all.
...............................
|
