A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I'm in complete shock rn, I went through a breakup recently and there's another guy who likes me a lot (he's told me). He's good looking, a few years older, has a reputation for being a player and a few of my other friends know him. He comes off as really nice and friendly, said that I was a "star" because of how good a student I am, stood up for me when others bullied me etc. Like he's the most supportive guy although we are just acquaintances. I have only known him since last summer. Tbh I was thinking of going out with him till I found this out. He always claims to be a very nice guy but tbh he does come off as one.Obv I'm not going to go out with him after hearing this btw but I just heard from mutual friends whom I trust that he was abusive to his ex gf, whom they also know, back in 2017. Apparently they used to argue a lot, he threw a plate of food in her face b/c she watches shows like the X Factor that he thinks are trashy, he made fun of her family for being working class, took away her teddy bear she'd had since childhood till her brother threatened him etc. Idc if she was horrible to him that's unacceptable and abuse.Don't worry TSR Im not going to go out with him now! My friends say he's still got anger issues and can be very passive aggressive though that's his last relationship so they don't know how he treats women now. They are only friends b/c their parents are friends and his parents are rich and have connections. I haven't noticed this much myself but he did sulk and not talk to me for weeks because I didn't wish him a happy Valentines day, but then he didn't do it to me either?? But it's scary, have I been overlooking some massive red flags? I would have gone out with him, if my friends hadn't told him! Are abusive guys really that hard to spot?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2021): The important thing is that you listened when you were forewarned by trusted friends who had your back. We also have to give God the credit; because He places His angels around you to protect you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be vigilant, lower your guard, or not use your common sense.
I want to encourage you, and give you kudos for the wisdom you have displayed uncommon for many young people your age. They often think they might be able to change someone, or the fact they like him supersedes using discernment to avoid those people who's bad reputations proceed them. Abuse and violence are deal-breakers. No ifs, ands, or buts!!!
You know the old idiom "a wolf in sheep's clothing." People who are narcissistic and abusive are usually smooth-talkers. They are charming and seductive; and they take advantage of their attractive appearances, because beauty lowers our guard. They shower you with compliments, and they are often very persuasive and supportive.
You can never truly judge a book by its cover; always remember that good-looks and sweettalk are only superficial attributes. You need to get to know people to see what lurks beneath their surface. Keep both your eyes and ears open.
Your friends clearly love and care about you; and they obviously do not tolerate abuse. That "bad-boy" charm casts a spell over both guys as well as girls. Many fellas want to be like them, and many are impressed by their charisma and rebellious spirit. Many bad-boys subdue their meanness under a sweet boyish-façade. They have a magnetism that draws you in; but you won't see their true-colors, unless you make them really angry. They even know how to hide that; until you hit the right button. They can't hide it forever.
You can't immediately spot an abuser or someone capable of violence. It doesn't always show. You just have to reserve or withhold your feelings long enough to know the person you think you're falling for. Not in a paranoid way, but just using reasonable judgement; and trying to avoid letting your feelings get ahead of your common sense.
It's inevitable for all of us to miss the red-flags, no matter how discerning and discriminate you might be in judging people. You can't always see it coming, but there is wisdom in listening to the warnings of credible people who bear evidence to support their negative opinions of someone. Just accusations or rumors alone may not be enough; but if abuse or assault are among some of the things alleged, you don't take any chances. You're better safe than sorry. Err on the side of caution.
Don't be hard on yourself, because everyone deserves a cautious amount of the benefit of the doubt. Recurrent warnings and bad news concerning someone's behavior has to be taken seriously in today's world. That's why it's good to have a good support-system among your friends; and loving-people to watch your back, and God being the greatest among them! Only He can see everything and He knows what's in our hearts. There's no-way any human being can do that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 April 2021):
 Other than the Valentine "thing" you haven't really spend enough time WITH him to really SEE red flags. However, the Valentine "thing" SHOULD have given you pause.
My guess is you are young and have LITTLE experience with abusive people.
MOST people would have missed it. Especially IF they have not about around someone abusive. And even IF they have, the abusive person THEY know might have acted VERY differently.
And MANY MANY abusive people can be SUPER charming. At least superficially. They don't let the "nice" mask drop until they feel they HAVE the "victim" hooked. And then it comes out over time. Little by little.
Like Code Warrior suggests, when you feel "weak in the knees" over a guy, QUESTION what it is you like about him. In your case, he was hot. Being HOT doesn't mean he will be a good person or BF.
This guy is GOOD at rubbing people's egos. He did it to you. You say he was: "Like he's the most supportive guy although we are just acquaintances. " No, he PRETENDED to be the most supportive guy to MAKE you think he is AWESOME. It's impossible to tell when people like him FAKE it. Again another reason to always go super slow.
BE glad you have such a good friend group. They saw that he was "grooming you" and that you seemed interested so they let you in on the secret. You dodged a bullet because you have GOOD friends.
Yet, your friends choose to let him in their circle of friends where he can PRAY on new women to the group, like you.... so you still have to RELY on yourself to figure out if a person is "too good to be true" or not.
Yes, abusive people (men AND women) can be hard to spot. Because they KNOW that OTHER people don't like their behavior.
How do you avoid one? Well, for one listen to friends who know the person. (like you did). Take your time getting to know the person BEFORE investing TOO much emotionally and before having sex - Date a guy (not this guy you mention) for a GOOD 6 months at least. If he KEEPs pushing for sex then realize it's not just HIM being horny and thinking you are the hottest thing out there, but maybe he is also a guy who doesn't RESPECT your boundaries.
Just like rapists are NOT all scary ugly trolls, abusive men can look very fine. Don't judge a book by its cover.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2021): A good rule of thumb is that we don't really know anyone. That's the truth. Your own parents may surprise you, let alone some strangers. When we like someone and that person makes us feel special (say, like a "star"), we tend to project all the good things onto that person and neglect some red flags. Even big ones.I'm never worried about some awful guy, who sets off my alarm. That's a no-brainer. You could spot guys like that when you're on autopilot. It's the charming guys that suddenly become interested in me that I need to watch out for. I'm not saying that they are all bad, but I keep an open mind and really watch what they say and do.Some couples are just a bad combo. Partners wake up the worst in one another, but, you can tell a lot by the way they are bad for each other. What he did to his ex was not just aggression, it was an attempt to manipulate an control her. He will always do that to his partner, because it's not about the partner, it's about him. His sulking is a way to try to condition you to always think about his needs and feel bad when you are not fulfilling them. Control. Manipulation. But some (poor) people think that that is a way people show their affection. No. It's not. So, have an open mind. We don't really know anyone.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 April 2021):
 Yes these are huge red flags OP, and your totally right to steer well clear.
Its good that you have friends that have told you this information, other wise you might have unsuspectingly entered into a relationship with him and gone through the same turmoil as his ex.
Think yourself lucky that you have dodged a bullet here and that you had a lucky escape.
I would say generally abusive guys are hide to find, as in the beginning they are charming and nice, as he was to you.
But if you meet someone new, just be cautious, don't rush into anything, do some homework on who your dating, and any signs of any red flags early on, don't be afraid to walk away.
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