A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a few issues but they all sort of tie in together. First of all, how we can a couple work if neither likes the other's family? I don't really know exactly what he thinks of my family but I know he has problems with at least a few members. I can only say the issues I have with his. They're all emotionally/mentally abusive. I'm sure their problems go deeper but what I've experienced with them is that they all have short fuses. They're controlling and manipulative. They're stubborn and always think they're right. They're intolerant and judgmental. They're cheap and make everything about the cost, whether its financial or whatever.All of this is coming out in him more and more as the years go by. I see a lot of what I hate about them in him and it scares me which brings me to my second issue. Because I've experienced this with them, I've become a pretty emotionally fragile person and I hate that I've been reduced to this. I've been trying to get stronger and left him but he just followed me. For the sake of my own little family, I'm trying to work through this. Any time he loses his cool, it throws me into this state of depression that takes me a while to shake. I'm starting to resent him. Im usually a roll with the punches kind of person but 5 years of doing this along with 4 kids is really taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. I'm tired and I'm tired of being this wreck of a person. I've started to develop anxiety. I'm usually non confrontational, so because he's so overbearing and straightforward, I'm starting to adopt this whole withdrawn attitude. I generally don't like my life. I only like my kids. I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess maybe what would you suggest as steps toward resolutions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2021): First you have to work on what's happening within yourself. You buckle under his pressure and influence. He knows how to force you to give-in to him; and this is sometimes indicative of someone who is narcissistic. They are hard to refuse, or difficult to disassociate with; because they will pursue you to the ends of the earth. They will bombard you with tearful-pleas and begging; until you surrender to their will. They will promise to change, and they will for a short while. Then revert back to their old-ways, and even worse; because they know your weaknesses. Thereby, they'll get a better foothold; making it even harder to rid yourself of them!!!
You've been conditioned and worn-down by his heavy influence over your emotions for so many years; so overcoming his power over your feelings will take self-control, prayer, and using your stored inner-strength. That reserved-energy that lies dormant and untapped; because he has convincingly made you believe he is the stronger between the two of you. God is a seed inside everyone!
God is stronger than any man or force on earth; so seek strength from where it flows. Pray! Seek the wisdom of older-women who have experience and have been through much of what you're going through. They will support you with comfort and good advice. Women somehow have a way of pulling each-other up unlike any other force I know...oh, lets not undercut the power of the Lord! He works through people as tools. You feel helpless, and under that man's thumb; because for years he has worn you down. Your exhaustion and weakness is because you've given-up. You believe he is stronger than you. Don't you dare give-up. Pray!
Liking each-other's relatives is irrelevant; because they don't live with you. You have locks and doors! Your phone and devices have a block and delete button.
There will always be outside-influences; because your life is populated with people. His family-members aren't related; but can randomly and inauspiciously interfere in your relationship, just like any other human being within your orbit. You can't help that. Just avoid them and keep your distance. You do not have to interact with people who don't like you. If forced to, just like a robot, you mechanically go through the motions! Without feeling, and with indifference; until it's over. They key-word is "forced" to deal with them!
Everybody has their ways, and anybody can somehow impose their bad-influences; or find a way to effect your relationship. The battle goes on, but you're trying to fight it without help. You need to see your doctor, to get a complete physical examination; because the feeling of depression and exhaustion isn't always a mental-health malady. It could also be from the side-effects of medication, low blood-pressure, lupus, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and anemia.
You may also need some therapy and counseling to undo some of the emotional-manipulation and trauma from the psychological-warfare you've endured in your failed-relationship. You don't know how to getaway from your source of anguish. God is enough, but unbelievers need science. God can outdo science coming and going; but that's a matter of faith and belief.
Dealing with your partner's family is the same as dealing with strangers, neighbors, or co-workers. These are people we are forced to interact with; and we have little choice. Your defenses are your use of discernment; making sure you're not "unequally yoked" with partners who are unbelievers, if you are a woman of faith. Avoid placing yourself in cliques of people who don't share your values and beliefs. Don't be too cowardly to stand-up for your own rights; and stand strong behind your beliefs, that you know to be righteous and fair. The relentless darkness in people tends to make us feel we are beholden to their persecution and bullying. We are not! If you are a believer in God, or a Christian; then you also know Jesus is your Savior and protection. Call on Him!
If you believe only in science (which God made); then you have to seek help from sources relevant and designated to attend to your specific needs and problems. You are not a child as far as human-development and maturity; but we are all children of God. He helps the down-trodden and the broken-hearted. Science can help you to look into those specific psychological-triggers that weaken the psyche, and wear you down emotionally; so you can directly address things that adversely-affect your mental-health and your overall psychological-wellbeing. I suggest covering all grounds, even for an unbeliever; but God is sufficient, if you have the faith.
Leave his family alone, and direct all your concerns and emotions to those people you love. Pray for them too! His family is free to express their opinions and have their beliefs; as you have all the right to distance yourself as far from them as you possibly can. You first have to gain enough strength to leave him, for good! You only need to deal with him in matters concerning the needs and welfare of his children. If you're trying to get him to love you and change; it's only contributing to your woes. Learn that, or your life remains a hot mess; and he's not entirely to blame. If you see a bear trap, you know what bear traps do, yet you go and stick your foot in it...well?!!
I don't presume to know you. I can only speculate that you've given-up and give-in based on your post; that's likely, because you may depend on menfolk for your strength and protection. Like so many people, you fear loneliness. Maybe you think you need his financial-assistance; and you've lost your self-awareness and sense of independence. The devil is a liar!!! None of that is true! You are stronger than you think. All that you're going through is a test, and it's actually strengthening you. That's because you are beginning to truly see him; and all those things that are the sources of your pain and suffering. Acknowledging the truth is your first-step towards your healing. You are no longer in denial. Yet, you must not surrender! God is hope!
See your doctor, and attend to your physical-health. Find yourself a therapist to help you deal with the PTSD of long-term stress and the probable effects of narcissism on your mental-health. Above all things, if you believe in God, and your faith is Christian; place all your troubles in Jesus's hands. All of the above together will give you strength and protection. You will regain your identity as a person; and you will again feel like your own person. You will be an even better mother for your children. Our Father in Heaven will be at your side! Believing in God doesn't mean you will no longer suffer. It means you will no longer suffer alone, and without help or hope!
I will say a specific prayer for you and your children. I will pray for your protection and God's intervention into your problems. Don't blame his family, the fault lies with allowing a bad-influence into your life that you've known for years shouldn't be there. It's him! If those four kids are his, see to it that he pays child-support! Of course, he'll pressure you to come home when it's financially to his advantage. If having him around did you any good, would you be here?
In any case, prayers work wonders; because an open-channel to God covers all your troubles. My prayers go out for you and your kids! "Pray without ceasing," as the Bible says!
May God bring you peace, strength, and provision. I know you'll be fine, just wait and see! When I say you're in my prayers, I mean that! It's not said with emptiness; like those phony speeches made by politicians and celebrities in-front of cameras and reporters!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2021):
 I have to agree with Kenny.
This has less to do with his family and more to do with him (and you).
You say you have noticed he is "tuning into" them. He isn't though. He is who he is, but as he grows older the toxic behaviors he grew up with feels easier for him to fall into than making the effort to NOT be like that.
This isn't good for you OR the kids. Remember that "monkey see monkey do" - KIDS learn from what they see. (just like your partner learned MANY negative behaviors as a kid and growing up that HE now displays too). SO will your kids.
You COULD try couples counseling but I don't think it will fix this for you two. Individual counseling for YOU might help you to GET free of this toxic relationship and get back to WHO you are and WHO you want to be.
You left him once. But he followed you and YOU let him back in.
He might NEED to leave or you and the kids might have to. If he shows up again, DO NOT let him move in. If he wants to live closer to the kids, FINE - he doesn't HAVE to live with you to be their father.
You know what's wrong you just can't seem to commit to making the change you KNOW you have to make.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (7 April 2021):
 I don't think this is about the dislike for each other family's but more about your relationship with him.
You have described every reason why this relationship is not working. So you need to be strong, step up to the plate and tell him it's over.
When you left the first time and he followed you, why did you give in and go back?. You should have stood by your guns and told him sternly its over, and there is no going back.
This relationship is rather toxic, and not healthy for you or your children. You are thrown into a state of depression that takes a while to shake, your developing anxiety, and getting a withdrawn attitude. OP these are all red flags and you need to start thinking about your health happiness and well being.
It does not sound like this relationship is going to be getting any better, so do what you did last time and leave this relationship, block him, and maybe change your numbers.
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