A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm just looking for a little advice. I've been dating this guy. Not long. 3 weeks but in those 3 weeks we had in excess of 10 dates. It was going well. Then one night I was staying at his and we got a little closer than we had previously (no sex) and in the morning I could tell there was something off with him. Sure enough a few hours later I got a text that said he needed to talk. I go around to his, we talk. He goes on about how his head is all over the place and he's got issues and doesn't want to burden me. I told him if his only problem was worried about me handling his problems that I could in fact handle them. He seemed relieved by that and said he didn't want to end what we had going. He wanted me to stay that night but I couldn't and left, I went back to his the next day and again he wanted me to stay but he knew I couldn't as we both had to work early the next morning and the logistics just weren't going to work. He was due to go out with his friends on Friday night, he decided not to and asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat. I agreed and we went. We went back to his and we were sitting on the sofa and then all of a sudden I noticed a change in his body language. I said "Are you alright" he said "yeah" two seconds later I said "Do you want me to go?" and he said "No" then we sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until he said "I have to be honest I don't know what I want" Now let me give you some of his back story. He suffers from a range of problems which include depression, anxiety and unable to sleep at night. He also just broke up with his ex in May and he works with her. In fact on Thursday night he told me he wasn't looking forward to work the next day because she would be there. I don't know what happened between them because I don't really care but it appears like she f**cked him over quite a bit. I felt sorry for him. Now back to Friday night. He said "I have to be honest I don't know how I feel" and I said "What do you mean?" Him: "I feel panicky" Me: "About what?" Him: "Us. I didn't feel anything when we were kissing just now" Now bare in mind this is probably over the 10th date (I lost track) and we've kissed a few times and also bare in mind that now he's fighting back the tears and I can see them. Me: "Right, you just realized this?"Him: "I'm sorry... I just don't know...My head is all over the place, I don't want to muck you around. It doesn't feel right" I got up at that point and got ready to leave all the while he's saying "I'm attracted to you, your attractive, you get me, your affectionate, I like that... It just doesn't feel right" (He's still fighting back the tears here) I put my jacket on and walk to the door, he follows I open the door "He says "I'm sorry" I look at him and can visibly see the tears in this guys eyes and I walk about without a word. Is this not just the most confusing guy you've ever met? My twenty minute drive home just gets me annoyed. I leave it an hour before being unable not to text him anymore. I deleted the texts and can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like "You didn't know before all the dates that you weren't attracted to me or didn't feel anything" then he said he had and he couldn't explain how he was feeling. Now I'm really good at reading people and situations, I mean I picked up on this guys mentalissues on our first date and didn't see them as a problem and I'm good at knowing when a guy isn't interested and I never got that feeling from him.Even when he was saying the words they felt like lies. I did honestly like this guy, he was amusing and I like amusing people (and his body wasn't all that bad either) but seriously, he's all over the place. Anyone any ideas on what this guy wants/wanted because i'm seriously out of ideas.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 Definitely block him and let it go.
If you are not ready to date again, don't. Just remember to NOT hold the next guy accountable for this one's behavior.
I think WiseOwlE is right is calling him a drama-queen. And I suspect that the ex wasn't "quite" as horrible to him as he said, but he used it to make himself look more like the victim. The whole poor me routine.
One think I have learned is that if someone talks NON stop about their ex (even if it's smack) they haven't finished processing what happened, which means they aren't over that person.
What I think you feel for was who you THOUGHT he was, not the guy he is. I don't think he is half as decent as he let on.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseowlE
Problem is even though I'm dating again I can't stop thinking about him. Pretty sure I fell for him. Think I need to put the dating on hold and lick my wounds before trying to move on. I've deleted his number so I don't have it anymore but it hurts like a mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015): I think you're a little stuck. The guy is holding out for his ex; and you can't get it out of your head you might miss something if you moved on. Yeah, heartbreak!
One of the ways a lot of guys paralyze women is by telling them they have "feelings." It's like the venom spiders inject into an insect. Then the prey just hangs there suspended and helpless in a sticky web. The spider later sucks out all their juices. Leaving an empty lifeless shell.
What kind of feelings? Nondescript, intangible-feelings that are undefined; and invisible to the naked-eye. Why? Because its utter bullshit. I'm not going to censor myself this time.
If you have to work that hard to figure someone out; how much does it take for you to realize he's messing with your head? Like Tisha-1 says, there's yet another female in this whole scenario of events; and you're coming in last place.
He can't choose. You're the sexiest, but not exactly the one he wants. It's his ex in first-place.
All you can focus on is "he's developing feelings." That's player-talk to keep you on hold. He can dip his wick; while he's doing all he can to get his ex back. He may even be checking out the other prospects. He can always use you to make his ex jealous. The oldest trick in the book. If he doesn't get her, he may still have someone else in-mind. Not particularly you. He's put on a good act with the alligator tears. Probably made up another pile of crap about depression and all that emotional blah blah blah.
Yeah, the guy-tears gets you every-time!
Well, use some logic; and stop seeing things emotionally. He's not making a lot of effort to be clear; nor making any sense. Although you're playing tough, you can't get it out of your head that he said he feels something for you.
Girlfriend, grab your dolls and dishes; and move on to the next tea party! This guy's nuts!
Anybody that back and forth will always be that way, and what you're going through now; is what you'll always go through. Until you come to your senses and finally just give-up! Time to block his number, go no contact, and move forward.
He might be straight; but he's a certified drama-queen!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Tisha-1
I thought there could have been someone else. The job he does requires him to have a partner and he recently got assigned a new one. A woman. I thought it could be her but also I'm not sure he's over his ex enough to date. He has major baggage.
I'm moving on and dating others. I did tell him I wanted to know the truth and not to worry about my feelings hoping he would admit if there was another woman.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 August 2015):
 He can't say anymore? Ah, that usually means there's another woman on the scene.
I'd back away--no hugs needed--and then sprint as fast as you can toward the brightly lit "EXIT" sign.
This guy is all over the place because he's a disaster, and I believe he's twisting himself in knots trying not to lie to you.
"From everything he said i managed to work out a few things, first of all I believe he found himself developing feelings for me, secondly I believe whatever he was beginning to feel scared the crap out of him because of his emotional problems and he's still struggling because he also said something about not wanting to see me. I believe there's a reason for that."
In my experience, guys will find a way to be with the woman they want. He may be very attracted to you but he does not see you as a partner. The evidence suggests to me that he's distancing himself because there is somebody else and he doesn't want to let you down too badly. He knows you are into him.
Drop this one back into the dating pool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to update ya'll. I texted this guy (I'm impulsive what can I say?!) mostly cause I wanted to know how he was. He said some more stuff, all of it again confusing. Which included admitting he had been lacking affection and turned to me for it. I just wanted admittance. Other things he said;He was attracted to meHe had feelings for meHe enjoyed my companyHe doesn't want anything more between us and... He can't say any more. Really, that's what I got 'I can't say anymore' when I asked why after all that he doesn't want anything more. He's got a lot on his head, I know that but I also didn't want any loose ends. I wanted to walk away and not be left wondering "what if" From everything he said i managed to work out a few things, first of all I believe he found himself developing feelings for me, secondly I believe whatever he was beginning to feel scared the crap out of him because of his emotional problems and he's still struggling because he also said something about not wanting to see me. I believe there's a reason for that. Thoughts?I got the closure I needed but I still feel very sorry for him. Wanna hug him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 August 2015):
 OP, it did not take him " all that time " . It only took him less than 3 weeks !! When it comes to unrequited love and emotional turmoil, it's not all neat and clear cut as, say, hemming a pair of trousers , where you can see immediately if one leg came out shorter than the other. Or correcting a first grader's math homework, where it is obvious that 2 plus 2 makes 4 ,it does not make 5.
It's reasonable that it may have taken him a few days and a few dates to decide that no, regardless of your good qualities, and of his good will to make it all work- there's nothing to do, you are not " it ". It's a trial and error process, and lucky for you, it was short enough to not cause more damage than a little prick to your ego.
As for his 6 nights of staying wrapped around you- comfort, again. He was skin-hungry. He felt lonely and blue and ...skin contact ,human warmth is healing. An affectionate, loving touch, the sensation of a soft warm body next to yours can be a strong painkiller .
This is something that we retain from our days as newborns, or maybe even from when we were still in the womb, but gentle physical contact is a big " medicine " and a big releaser of endorphines. A big COMFORT, in short :).
Think about it, when a small child comes wailing to you because he got a boo-boo on his knee, when does he stop crying ? when you apply disinfectant and bandage ? No, when Mom HUGS him tight and kisses away the boo-boo.
When a friend of yours has lost a parent, what will make her feel better, when you hold her to your chest and pat her back, or put an arm around her and let her LITERALLY cry on your shoulder ,... or when you send her a nice telegram with " My heartfelt sympathy "?
Human touch can be a quick fix for many problems, the only thing is that, as all quick fixes,- it has a limited effectiveness, it does not last, then you have to find something more effective for permanent relief.
Now, I understand that you are a bit miffed because you feel USED by this guy,- and in a way, that's what exactly happened, he tried to use you to heal his pain. But, again, I think he was in perfect good faith, and that he was absolutely willing and eager to make things work. I think he made a sincere ,genuine attempt - alas the attempt failed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): People search for a painkiller when they've recently broken-up with someone. What you've experienced is being the rebound girl. He felt attracted to you at the onset; but then his grief hits him. He starts reminiscing and ruminating over his ex; because she's always in the back of his mind. Everything you do together brings flashbacks.
He also suffers depression and anxiety issues. It is harder for him to deal with highly emotionally-charged situations.
Depression isn't just a feeling of profound sadness; it can bring on confusion, and impair decision-making. All that aside, a breakup is emotional-hell. He's all over the place just as you were when you broke-up with someone. If you never have, you will.
You were sort of an emotional-crutch. He needed the female companionship. It just didn't give him the "fix" he was looking for. He's got to get through the withdrawal from his ex-girlfriend. He thought he would feel better by dating an attractive girl, and it would get his mind off his troubles and sorrows. He's at that stage in shock, when you feel numb. Like you're going through the motions, but your heart just isn't in it.
I'm glad it has only been three weeks. It would be much more difficult for you, had there been enough time for you to grow emotionally-attached. Don't waste your time babysitting or playing nurse-maid through his obvious grief over his ex. Go about your life and find someone with less baggage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for the replies.
I feel like I should point out that at least 6 of these days ended in me spending the night in his bed (no sex) where he cuddled up to me everynight. I just don't get why it took him all that time to decide he didn't feel anything when he was wrapped around me in his bed most nights and wanted me to stay.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2015):
I agree with Cindy.
The guy is still hung up on the ex, no matter how "bad" of a GF she was... he is still hurting from the break up and he is still hung up on her.
I get that you are upset that he went out on 10+ dates and didn't tell you, that he JUST wasn't feeling it - or ready to date again. I would have been too. I don't think he did it on purpose, I think he sincerely WANTED to date you and be with you, because you were EXACTLY the kind of girl he wants.. the problem is...he tried to move on WAY to soon from his last relationship. He really wasn't ready.
It does happen.
I think you did good in reading him as well as you did, and avoided sex. Because that might have hurt YOU more if you had gone down that path with someone who IS not ready to date.
Honey, block, delete and move on. It is his loss and he knows it too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 August 2015):
I disagree, it's not very confusing. IMO, it's rather typical !
The guy is still carrying a big,BIG torch for his ex. Then again, the break up was recent, not even 3 full months ago.
He has TRIED to do his homework and do it right (not getting stuck into self-pity, moving on right away,going out, jumpong right back into dating ) but - it's hard when you've got it bad, and harder for a slightly messed up type like him. Maybe he should have given himself some more time to feel lovelorn, miserable... and digest his loss.
I think that he was sincere, in good faith, that he did find you attractive, that he did enjoy your company, that he honestly hoped it could work between you- it's not that there's something wrong with you. It's just that you are not HER, and ... it just does not feel right. I also think that he hoped you could be his " medicine " and make him feel better.
But, - obviously it only worked at first, because of the novelty, and his sheer good will to move on ; then at some point he realized you can't will yourself to fall on love with a girl just because it would be such a good idea.
Your surprise and confusion tell me that, lucky you, you are totally extraneous , so far, to the world of comfort dating, -or comfort fucking , as for that . You haven't ever found yourself awake at night, sad and tense and with a heavy chest, next to what feels like a stranger body in what feels like a stranger bed, and told yourself " What's wrong with you! You are crazy ! Why do you feel like crying, this guy is PERFECT for you , he is kind , smart, sensitive..., ( or whatever qualities you are looking for ) he is sexy too , he's got everything you could wish for ! So why aren't you glad ?... "
You aren't glad because guy X is perfect , would be perfect, but for a detail :
he is not guy Y. And what you want, is still guy Y .
Lucky you .... this is a very common predicament that befalls on most people sooner or later, and, it sucks. It has inspired quite a few rock and pop songs... a lot of country ballads too, I would imagine,... and ,for those who watch " Friends " reruns:), a famous episode of the series, the one where Ross tries to make a choice between nice, sweet Julie and "difficult " Rachel.
He starts a list with all the flaws he can find in the two girls,- and there are many in Rachel, who is stubborn, vain, superficial, spoiled etc.etc.etc.
On the other hand .. Julie is wonderful, she only has ONE flaw . Only ONE :
she is not Rachel.
This must be sort of what happened with you and this guy. He does like you, and he finds you attractive etc.etc.- yet you are just not his " Rachel ".
Not too harm done hopefully ? I can imagine you are a bit disappointed, but, hopefully, not more than that, since you have only dated him 3 weeks. Rhese things happen at times- things just sizzle then fizzle- bad timing, not really putting your heart into things, etc. See if you can forgive him since he did not mean to wasre your time or make a fool of you- he just tried to chew more than he could bite- and sooner than he could bite AGAIN.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2015):
 He can be attracted to you but he's not over his ex. Being at the same work place it makes it hard to move on from her. When he was kissing you, probably images of her popped up. He wants to get over her but the 10 dates with you still didn't help. He needs to be single for a while and forget about the last relationship.
I had the experience of breaking up, hooking up with rebound dudes, kissing one of them but had to hold back tears.
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