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anonymous
writes: I really like this guy at work and he likes me too but there is a problem: 2 years ago his fiancee died in a car crash and he can't seem to move on with his life. He tells me when the time is right we can be together but when is the time right? I wanna steal his heart and don't know what else to do to get through to him. How can I try and make him get over his past and get on with the future?
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (18 June 2005):
 Yow.
I'm terribly sorry for your friend's loss. As you no doubt understand, it's a devastation that's difficult to get over both because of the abruptness and violence of the loss and because when a relationship is cut off at that romantic, heady phase, it's easy to start idealizing it. A close friend of mine lost her fiancé in an even more violent fashion (he was murdered in a foreign country while on holiday) and while she's dated a bit since then, she is still grappling with the emotional aftermath 12 years later.
The truth is, I don't know and you don't know and he doesn't have any idea of when the time will be right for him to engage emotionally again. It could be 2 weeks from now; it could be 2 years. You certainly cannot make him get over his past and get on with getting it on with you, which seems to be the future you are imagining for him. So you'll have to be patient and just wait, if you really think this is the man for you. And me? I'm not that patient. I mean, I'm in a situation right now where I have to be patient about a lot less than you do and it's a struggle on some days, let me tell you. You learn a lot about where your limitations lie, that's for sure.
But back to you. I'm a little concerned about the way you describe the situation. It almost sounds like he is a plump chicken and you are a hawk, circling and biding your time, waiting for the perfect time to scoop up your prize and spirit it away. "Steal his heart"? Good lord, girlfriend—that's not real love! That's Machiavellian plotting!
Real love is kind and patient and puts the beloved's needs ahead of one's own when the time calls for it. If ever a time called, it's this one, loud and clear. If you really love this guy, simmer down. Back off. You can't make him be ready, and you can't be sure that when he is, he'll be ready for you, no matter whether he likes you now or not.
If you can wait and be just a friend, then do. Be a kind, patient, loving *friend*, with no expectations of anything else.
If you can't, then in the most gentle, kind and loving way you must explain to him that while your pain in no way can compare with his, being around him and having these feelings is too much for you, so you'll have to dial things back. Or maybe even remove yourself physically from the situation, as in finding new employment.
Whatever you do, please be careful. This guy has been through a lot. He doesn't need to have his heart trounced again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2005): Time, time Dear...give him time...his been through such a emotional trauma, that something so fatal as whats happened in his past will not be just so easily to forget, my suggestion is give him space, and if you and him are meant to be, then he will come to you when his ready,..if not move on, because he was obv so in love before which ended so tragic, how can you expect to get his full love just now, if you are pushing him, when his still holding onto his fiance's memorys, perhaps ask yourself would you ever be happy? I would say remain friends, and like he says 'when the time is right' it's all well and good saying 'how can you make him get over his past and get on with the future' but I would say thats abit of a selfish point of veiw, as his fiance was his future! If you and him are meant to be, then it will happen...Dont push him, and give him that time....Goodluck with your own future. x
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reader, pops +, writes (18 June 2005):
Ask him to get professional help for Grief counseling. Most funeral homes can make referrals. Or ask his medical physician for a referral. If he is not ready, don't push it. Grief is a very strong emotion, and some people don't ever get over the loss of someone. If you can't wait, cut him loose, and find someone else. I'm sorry about this, but he's got to get past this if he is going to be able to offer anyone the level of love he gave to the deceased fiance. He is not alone. But with counseling, he can get past this. You can benefit from learning about grief, too, so ask your librarian or doctor for books on the subject. pops
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