A
female
age
30-35,
*hortay
writes:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-tell-my-boyfriend-i-nearly-cheated.htmlthe above link is the situation i was in 9months ago.i have gone ahead and not told my bf about what happened. nor has he found out.the guilt still haunts me to this day and everyday.i didnt even realise that i would pay so much for what happened. eg. - even thought i have never wanted to go to uni i nearly chose to go if it meant that i could tell him the truth and then i would be able to leave and move away if things were to hard to deal with. looking back im glad i didnt becuase it was my carrer.-i dabbled with selfharming when i was 14 and stopped becuase i knew i shouldnt be doing it. but ever since it happened i have had thoughts about doing it again. thankfully i have resisted but even the thought of me wanting to scares me.- iv been on the verge of having an eating disorder. for my whole life when im worried its my appitite that gets effected. i find myself not wanting to eat for days on end. sometimes becuase i literally dont have an apitite becuase of the worry but also because i dont feel like i deserve to eat sometimes.- iv been depressed. bi-polar disorder is common in my family so i dont know if im experiencing this. iv always had a positive out look on life. but thats changed. even my bf has commented on how moody i am. one day i will just erase the whole situation from my mind and be as happy as ever and the next i feel like i would actually consider my life if i didnt have him. i know this is drastic and i wont fully know if i actually am feeling that becase i havnt reached the situation that i dont have him any more but i dont see how life is worth living without him.iv been writing a diary ever since it happened. basically saying how much i hate myself for what i did and that how much it has effected my life. any thoughts or feelings related to it i have written down. i plan to give this to my bf when i do tell him , to show him i am so regretfull. do you think this is a good idea?Anyway the plot thickens.the teacher that i nearly cheated with is now going out with one of my close mates from college. weve drifted since we have left college but we still remain friends. theyve been together for a while now and things are serious. nothing has ever been mentioned about what 'happened' when we were away. nothing what so ever. we dont go out as couples or anything but this weekend its a mutual friends birthday so we shall all be there. im fairly sure nothing will be said but still its a massive worry and it dosnt help with how i feel. i still plan to tell my bf about what happened when he finishes college. however half of me feels like it was so long ago now that it happened that is it really worth telling him. i would give feeling like this for the rest of my life if it meant that i had him. i love him more then i love myself.he finishes college in 2 months. and then he is straight on to looking for a job. iv decided that ill tell him once he has a job rather then when he finishes college. becuase of the fact that i havnt told him already as i didnt want to ruin both our college carrers and him getting a job is just as important so it would of just been a waste not telling him.i want to know what you think about me giving him my diary if i tell him? and also weather i should go through with telling him?have you been in my situation or have cheated in the past and not come clean and how its making you feel? or if you have felt what i have through cheating?thankyou for your time reading this. its a long one but so much apriciated if you reply.x
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reader, rcn  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 I carefully read your original post, as well as this follow-up. You did not almost cheat. You were almost taken advantage of in your drunken state, but you resisted, and that resistance changed it from happening to not happening. The are I'd see that you learned a lesson from is not going with someone alone when in that vulnerable state.
If you were my girlfriend, I'd be proud of you for the way you handled yourself. I can't tell you how many times we see that it goes further into 4-play or going all the way, then blamed on the alcohol. You were (excuse my language), drunk off your ass, and resisted. You could hardly stand up, and not even a kiss took place. You said no, and for that, be proud. That took strength and courage to be in that place, under the influence, and divert what could have happened into nothing happening. There's no guilt or shame in that.
Although, I don't see the situation as you've been replaying it in your head, guilt is something that starts small, and if not taken care of it grows. You can tell him of what didn't happen, but you were in a position where it could have. That would be honest, and a way to relieve yourself of the guilt. What I'm worried about is you overstating the situation and making it into something that it is not. I believe you should forgive yourself for allowing this to cause you so much pain. Forgive yourself for drinking too much and entering into a situation that could have ended badly, then give yourself a pat on the back for the way to handled it.
You are right regarding the bi-polar. The mania side of this disorder could be cause for why this has become the center of your lack of happiness, and guilt. Mania explodes emotion to a level beyond where without it, it'd be. It is also a biological disorder, therefore a family history where it is evident, increases your changes of being born with it as well. Often it will lay dormant til teens or adulthood, then triggered into being noticeable, often by an event such as what you described. I'd recommend you getting that looked at, and finding a method by coping, nutrition or a short term medication to stabilize your moods.
I hope this helps, take care.
A
female
reader, greenflower +, writes (11 May 2010):
ok. i've read your very long entry and your very long previous entry. and honestly, i'm speechless.
You didn't cheat on him. Not at all. You flirted and never intended to cheat. You were dodging his physical advances. The teacher took advantage of you and the fact that you were drunk. If you knew you were drunk, he knew you were drunk.
From all of the symptoms, I would say, talk to a professional therapist. I think they'll help you guide your emotions and behavior.
This guilt you have for almost cheating, that's what the teacher did to you. You did not cheat. You flirted, teased and joked. If you had cheated, you would have gone significantly further, especially in an alcoholic state.
What happened was not your fault. You did not do anything to deserve that. He should have seen the signs but he was the aggressive one.
Please, find some type of counseling or group therapy. There are many available options. Believe me, they help more than you could ever imagine.
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