A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:My life has been turned upside down. I was in an unhappy marriage and eventually seperated and went to stay at my mums. My wife was supportive and was always willing to take me back and make it work between us. She loved me unconditionally. My feelings for her were just not as they used to be, although I wanted to love her, I just couldn't.A few months into my seperation, I then developed strong feelings for another girl who I met online and hoped for a future after falling madly in love with this girl. A couple of months after we started going out, I found out she had been sleeping with her neighbour around 40 - 50 times. I was heartbroken and she swore it would never happen again. I warned him off her and now he wont even look at her. I eventually told my wife that I wanted to get back with her, but I still needed my own space as I was badly depressed and suicidal, to which she agreed. I told her all about this other girl and promised I would never talk to her again.I loved this girl more than anything and never regained the old feelings for my wife as my feelings for this other girl were too strong to ignore. I eventually told my wife that I did not love her, but was willing to build a friendship, then maybe a relationship.A short while later, I was contacted by this other girl who said she still loved me. I did not have to think twice about taking her back.A while later, she was chatting to another guy who she admitted to having temptation to sleeping with him.She was then offered to meet another guy for sex who contacted her online, which also made her tempted, again, I stupidly gave her another chance.A few weeks back, she was jokingly asked for a 3some by her best friends boyfriend, to which she admitted contemplating and getting turned on by the thought. Again, I let it pass by as I accepted it was said as a joke.She swore she was no longer a slapper and persuaded me that I could trust her. Things were going well for a few weeks until I gave her a test. I sent her an email from an ex boyfriends email address, asking her to meet for sex if she was interested. Then we wpoke on MSN, with me posing as him. I done this because I was sure she would pass with flying colours as i trusted her 99%. Unfortunately, she failed miserably and arranged to meet this guy. I then said I would put my webcam on, she got a total shock when she saw me.Anyway, we had a blistering row and I eventually told her I do not want to be with her and want to make a go of things with my wife. She begged me for hours to take her back, which I refused to do. Eventually she said she would do ANYTHING to get me back. I was yet to find out exactly what she meant by this.She said to me, "If I cant have you, neither can she" and then texted my wife telling her we were in contact and some other things which were not true.She later realised what she had done and texted again, admitting that she lied because she was jealous. She then was blackmailing me saying she would tell my wife more if I did not take her back.This has made no difference, She loves me and wants me back. I just hate her for destroying me, but cannot stop loving her. My wife hates me for destroying her, but I love her.My wife loved me like I loved this other girl.I have tried talking to my wife, but she insists she does not want a future with me. I love her, but love this other girl much more. This girl says loves me and wants me to trust her, she expects me to accept temptation will always be there.My wife is beautiful, she has been asked out thousands of times by guys and says she was never even tempted because she loved me so much. I just wish this other girl felt like that. I blamed this girl for destroying everything, but reading this post back, it is me who has destroyed everything because I am a selfish bastard.I don't know which way to turn, I love this girl, but cannot possibly take her back after this. If I did get back with my wife, she would probably try to cause more trouble between us. I know things about this girl and could destroy her life if I was malicious enough, but I am not. I have really stuffed this all help..Please help me, I don't know what to do
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best friend, depressed, heartbroken, jealous, met online, msn, neighbour, text, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I have only spoken to the psychiatrist on one occasion, then the main guy came in after a discussion with my psychiatrist. It was the main guy who said it was a personality disorder. They have arranged for me to be visited by a nurse every day. I hope she is a sexy one, lol.
I am on 60mg Citalopram tablets for my depression and 0.5 mg of Risperdal for my supposed psychotic problem.
As soon as I start to talk to anybody, I start to cry. I really do not feel ready to resume work, especially as we work in small teams, so communication is essential.
I feel as though I need this girl in my life, she is the only one who makes me happy. At least she does when things are going good. She has been trying really hard and is determined to make me trust her and wants to change. She is ashamed of the way she was and is asking me to support her in changing her ways. She really is trying, so at the moment, I have hope and some happiness again.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (31 August 2006):
 It sounds like your wife is a very good woman. It sounds like your psychiatrist had one consultation with you - a diagnosis of a personality disorder requires an extended period of assessment and observation. There is no doubt that you are suffering from severe clinical depression, but I am sure you are aware that different people respond to different brands of antidepressants so if you don't feel better, swap brands. You should most certainly be combining these drugs with cognitive behavioural therapy so go back to the doctor and request individual therapy. As for your love life problems, well it is all rather an unfortunate mess but one you should and can learn from. When you have depression everything can seem rather bleak and everything is in black and white...there is no grey area for compromise. You recognise that you shouldn't go near this girl again and it is good that you have left the computer chatrooms alone as they are full of people like her. I understand why your wife doesnt want you back right now, but in time she may come around - she is just angry and hurt at the moment. It sounds like you loved your wife but werent 'in love' with her and need to fall back in love with her when you are better if the marriage is to work. I strongly suggest you go back to work, or do some voluntary work instead asap, even part-time as crying at home isn't a good long term solution to your problems. You cannot cure the emotional turmoil over night but if you stick to some kind of routine then it will distract you from your depression and it will also rebuild your self worth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was previously on antidepressants, have been for around 6 months. I saw a psychologist when i was 15, because of family problems and I was getting into trouble at school and with the law. I could never really understand why I was acting the way I was and hit out at authority.
I was married for 8 years, I was always faithful, but was accused of cheating from an early stage in our relationship.
We grew apart and I could not talk to her without her turning everything around to make it into my fault. Eventually, I felt I had nobody to talk to and started to go into chatrooms where I met this other girl.
We had a connection and I felt I could trust her. This was how our relationship started. Then I became dependent on her.
I am not sure where to move to yet, anywhere will do.
I have not mentioned this to my psychiatrist though.
It makes me optimistic of some hope, even if it is short lived.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): Whatever you do; trust in the psychiatrist and continue therapy.
Were you previously on meds? Have you ever seen a psychiatrist before?
How long were you married for? How did you behave while married?
Recognizing you have troubles that stem from a disorder; should help you better deal with your life as well as help you think clearly.
I can only offer you my hope that you will be happier and healthier when you continue therapy.
Leaving the country; was this advised by your doctor?
Where will you be traveling to and what will you be doing? Does this fill you with hope and peace?
Take care of yourself and let us know how things are going.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 I certainly hope you are taking an anti-depressant. If not ask for one to help you through this rough patch. That's all it is, it's not permanent even though you think so at the moment. Buck up buddy, keep your chin up and keep plodding along with the therapy, your burden will slowly lighten, I promise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anon, I wish I could take all of your advice. I am currently planning on leaving the country and trying to rebuild my life elsewhere. I do not enjoy anything anymore, I used to play soccer regularly and train in martial arts, but have lost all interest in this.
All I can ever think about is this girl, so can never concentrate on anything else.
As for my friends, I have pushed them all away and no longer trust anybody.
I have just been to the doctors to get an extension to my sicknote. I am on maximum dose anti depressants already, but the doctor has also given me tablets for psychotic treatment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): Do not despair. Yes you have gone all around the houses trying to find love and it hasn't worked out and people have been hurt but you cannot continue to beat yourself up about all the past mistakes you have made. Instead face your problems head on and get back to being the kind of person you have respect for. Sounds like an impossible task? Not at all. Take small steps and reward yourself for each one. First of all this girl you like has treated you shamefully, addictive though she is you need some time away from her and your wife to remember the kind of person you want to be independently of both of them, build your self confidence back. Take time to develop your self respect, do the things you enjoy and spend time with friends. By the time you have done this that girl you're so attracted to will either have faded from your affections or grown to respect you more for being a truer, more honest person. That's invaluable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cannot see any form of future to be honest, bright or otherwise. The person I have turned into makes me despise myself. I am seeking help and am currently off work through depression. I have a dream job, yet have been unable to work I spend all day lying in bed crying and hoping to die, tears streaming down my face as I write this. I am always crying, yet am not always sure why. I have become an emotional wreck.
This girl was the one person who would always make me smile and be happy when things were good, yet I would be destroyed every time something bad happened. I know this girl is making my life worse, but I find it impossible to let her go.
My wife has said she wants to take me back still, but I said no because it is not fair on her to be with somebody like me.
I really do not deserve her, she is much too good for me and I am ashamed at myself how I have treated her. She would do absolutely anything for me, almost. I asked her to help with euthanasia but she declined, although she did seriously think about it for a few weeks because she knows how destroyed I am as a person. I begged her every day to help me, but she eventually said no.
I just feel I have nobody to talk to and nowhere to turn. I am already dead inside.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2006):
Glad to hear you are getting some help. You did the right thing concerning your wife. Now concentrate on yourself and iron out the wrinkles so you can forth from all of this a better person with a brighter future. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have only had a relationship with this girl while me and my wife were seperated, I have never cheated on her.
I am already still living at my mums, plus I have agreed to a divorce now and told her I want her to meet somebody who deserves her, which I dont.
I dont go on any websites, havent for around 6 months.
I am trying to sort myself out, I had appointment with a psychiatrist where I told him everything about it all, plus my depression.
He said I did not suffer from depression, but from a severe personality disorder.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (30 August 2006):
 I don't know what kind of help you're looking for. You obviously have created a tangled web. My advice is to crawl on your hands and knees back to your wife and beg her for forgiveness. If you don't love her, let her go and move on with her life. As for your "girlfriend", you and she were made for each other. . . Masters of Infidelity.
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (30 August 2006):
 You may not want to read this as it's not in your favour. Where do I start with this? Well firstly, thank God your wife won't take you back. I hope she doesn't. If she does then if the girl causes trouble, you'll have brought it on yourself but also on your innocent, supportive wife.. Who do you think you are calling this girl all the names, as you also broke promises made to your wife. And she had to settle coming in second best to a man she loved, being picked up and dumped whenever the wind changes?! You're not much better than the girl you love so much really. But you're right, it's not this girl, it's you. You made bad decisions. No-one forced you into any of this, it was all your choice. As you don't love your wife, you shouldn't have gone back after you left. Once you realised what this woman was like, you could have just left her alone and got on with your life (and not go back to your wife). Stay away from both of them. Why put your wife through anymore deceit and betray her love and trust again? And the possibility that this woman could hurt your wife anymore, she doesn't deserve that. The fact she's resorting to blackmail, maybe tell her you'll call the police, that should keep her away. You mentioned you also "know things about this girl", but added you're not malicious enough to destroy her. Was that supposed to impress, why mention it otherwise? I'm afraid it did the opposite for me. You can destroy your wife's life so maybe you do have some malice after all. Sorry this isn't what you're looking for, but it's time you sorted yourself out and left your wife to get over the heartache you've no doubt caused. As for you, go back to your mum's or get a place on your own. Perhaps stay away from unsavoury sites for a while. Start being honest with yourself and others, there's just too much deceit in your life.
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