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male
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*reamchaser
writes: Hello,I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl, who loves me very much. The attention and love she gives me is quite intoxicating, but I'm not sure that the feeling is mutual.I have always chased after women who I consider to be the girl of my dreams. However, on the past two occasions I have let myself fall deeply in love only to have my heart smashed to pieces.I have no desire to go through that pain again, so I am really happy to have finally found someone who loves me in the way I had always hoped.I worry though, because I do not feel those giddy, school boy nerves with her, so I am not sure if I truly love her... I do find her quite attractive, and we do get on really well... but I sometimes struggle when it comes to sex. Not always, but I sometimes find myself fantasising about the last girl I chased just to get me through... Is this something I should worry about?In addition, we sometimes talk about marriage and I am seriously considering this. In my own mind I have rationalised the possiblity by looking at all the positives in our relationship. Maybe it is time for me to grow up and accept that my dream girl is, in fact, an impossible dream. I think that I might be much better off persuing this particular relationship, where I am in complete control of my emotions.I have read that you should always marry someone who you can talk to, because looks fade, and ultimately your friendship is what will make the relationship last.Would I be a fool to marry my girlfriend, considering my admission in the first part of this question?Ok, that's it. I hope it wasn't too much of a ramble.I look forward to any advice you can give me.Many thanks,Dreamchaser.
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male
reader, Dreamchaser +, writes (25 July 2006):
Dreamchaser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anon,
Thanks for your comments... Curse my pesky subconscious mind!
I totally agree with you though, we do need to just slow down and enjoy being with each other at the moment. That's exactly what I say to my girlfriend when she brings up the subject of marriage. I've also suggested that we should live together for a while before we even consider it.
However, as I said in my previous post, she is a very persistent person, and she is also a bit of a romantic. She hates it when I use words like 'maybe' or 'eventually', she wants everything to happen right now. In her ideal world, I would sweep her off her feet, fly her to an exotic island and marry her in a whirlwind of passion.
I will stick by my guns though. I don't want to make a mistake that both of us will regret for the rest of our lives.
Thanks again.
Dreamchaser.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): Hi Dreamchaser
It sounds like you have been hurt/let down by previous partners so i'm not surprised that you have all of these doubts about your current relationship.
Love isn't just about the excitement - these feelings usually wear off after 6-18 months anyhow as your relationship settles and you become more comfortable with each other. You mention that your relationship is good in all other areas outside of the bedroom, as sex alone very rarely provides a solid foundation to a lasting relationship. I would say your problem in this department stems from a fear of getting hurt again, as you have in the past. A part of you (maybe subconsciously)is working to preserve your feelings by preventing you from getting too close. Sex is the most intimate thing you can do with a person and so it is this area that is withheld - you have a fear of intimacy, whether you consciously realise this or not.
I would say you are putting yourself and your relationship under a lot of stress by contemplating marriage, as your problems indicate that you are not ready to take this step just yet.
My advice to you is to enjoy time with your girlfriend without getting so serious about the whole relationship.
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A
male
reader, Dreamchaser +, writes (24 July 2006):
Dreamchaser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ali,
Thank you for sharing your situation with me, you've certainly given me something to think about. I sincerely hope you manage to sort things out.
It took me 29 years to find that first dream girl, but for reasons I won't go into, it really was doomed from the start... kinda like Romeo and Juliet I guess... The relationship lasted only 4 months, but the heartbreak lasted for over a year, going to almost suicidal depths.
I thought that nothing would ever compare to the way I felt with her... but, eventually, I let someone else in, just a little way, and she made me realise that there is more than one person in this world who has the ability to light up my soul... Alas, things didn't really even get off the ground before she had to leave my country to go back to her homeland... which hurt me again... but we do keep in touch, and she still holds a special place in my heart.
After that, I simply wouldn't let anyone else in. If they tried hard enough, I would invariably recount the tale of my two lost loves, which always ended in tears... Not the best way to start a new relationship!
My current girlfriend was very persistent and she flatly refuses to talk about any past relationships... she doesn't dig and she doesn't pry... So I found it easier to let her get close.
No, I don't feel that 'magic spark' with her, but I do feel happy and content.
Also, I know by the things she says and the way she acts that I am her dream guy... and I don't mean that in an arrogant way... it just so nice to be on the receiving end, you know?
So, that's how I got to where I am today. I'm working on the theory that if there's no magic spark to begin with then there's nothing to lose, right?... Have you heard the 70's song 'It's Getting Better' by Mama Cass?... That's what I'm hoping for.
Hmmmm, do you know what?... I think I may have just talked myself into a really happy place :o)
Ali, Ariel, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.
Much love to you both.
Dreamchaser.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): I think you like many people these days want to be in love like in the movies. But that is all scripted, and I don't think that any relationship can be as perfect forever as the ones that Hollywood has painted for us.
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A
female
reader, Ali McBeal +, writes (24 July 2006):
Hi DreamchaserWell I am afraid that I am also like you and looking for the 'dream' relationship... When I ended my last relationship, my partner told me that I would never be happy becauese I am looking for something doesn't exist. Then I met my husband, and having taken on board what my previous partner had said, I decided that this was as good as it would get and despirately wanted it to work. Well, I am now married with a child and want out because I don't love him and that special something that keeps people together long after the lust has past is missing in our relationship. Like you, I was once totally and utterly in love and then I had my heart broken and it took me 6 months to recover and I promised myself that I would never let it happen again - but I now realise that because I have experienced true love, anything less just disappoints me and I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life looking for that special person than settle for second best! However having said all that I do know of people who have matured together and are now exceptionally close and have a mutual respect for one another depite having had a rocky start.All I can urge you to do is to listen to your heart and believe in your own feelings and don't do anything that you are uncertain about. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Dreamchaser +, writes (24 July 2006):
Dreamchaser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ariel,
Thanks for that... I'm ashamed to say that the main (and possibly only) reason my current girlfriend doesn't fall into the dream girl category is purely superficial... I don't look at her and think 'Wow, you're gorgeous!', I wish I did, but I don't.
Romatically speaking, I guess I do live in the fantasy world of books and movies, always hoping for that perfect Hollywood ending... and I never wanted to settle for anything less... but I know that's fantasy, and very few people in this world are lucky enough to live out that dream.
So, perhaps for me, this is as good as it gets?
Perhaps it's time to ditch the dreams and accept the reality. Nobody is perfect and relationships need to be worked at. Perhaps true love is something that grows over time, rather than illusion created by infatuation?
Dreamchaser.
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