A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:You will think that I am very superficial. (I am not even saying "you may think" I know that it is superficial.) I have just started seeing this guy. He is very smart, sweet and caring. He is a little bit on the heavy side but I do find him attractive. However, the fact that he doesn't care about his appearance at all bothers me. Since I was a teenager I always tried to take care of myself. There is heart disease in my family so my mother always pushed us to stay active and eat healthy. Coincidentally, all the guys I have dated so far has been health conscious. Recently, he showed me photos of himself when he was younger(5 years ago) and he was in good shape. I know it's a horrible thing to say but since that day I keep finding myself looking at other guys and wishing he was like that again. He is a very nice guy and I don't want to lead him on but I can't really see myself with him if he doesn't want to take care of himself at all. That is something I have to do all my life and I would like to have the support of my significant other. But I also think that this could be the most superficial reason to stop seeing someone. Should I try to make him come work out with me or should I let him be accept how horribly superficial I am. (I just learned that about myself from this experience and I feel horrible) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou don't know what life will bring you so we should appreciate what we have. One day we may never be able to run or dance:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the answers. The fact is I am attracted to him. I was the one who asked him out. But the problem happened when I found out he does this by choice. I do not want to offend anyone and you don't have to pick the side of skinny or fat. That is a different issue on its own. In my opinion if you do not have a good excuse to take care of yourself like being sick, having a slow metabolism, having surgery or something else, if you are putting on weight just because you love eating and don't care that is the same as not getting an education because you don't care. ( not because you don't have the opportunity)I understand some people may be built that way. I know this because my own brother is a big guy. He struggled with weight all of his life despite the fact that he was an athlete. But you know what he tried all of his life!! And I respect that. He is in much better shape than I am despite how it looks from outside. If eating everything fried is a life choice and calling a salad "rabbit food" I don't think I want it. Because I would rather be able to run fast, go on long bike rides and dance for hours than eat a dessert everyday:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): Here you just started seeing this guy, and you’re already projecting into the future!? I wouldn’t worry too much about it, he’ll sooner than later discover why the previous ‘health conscious’ guys you dated didn’t gel with you. Perhaps there’s another lesson waiting to be learned about why these health conscious guys disappeared? It doesn’t seem like its happening with either type, so what’s really going on here? I understand your family health history etc but how does that procure you to be narcissistic and superficial? Nonetheless in all fairness if that’s how it works best for you (to be superficial) it would be kinder not to start something with someone who obviously doesn’t suit your plans. As it’s apparent that you’re not wired for human smarts, sweetness and caring nature etc. unless they come in a slim package!?For me a slim package can always be achieved by going for a few walks in the park together :) but a person with a horrible nature; I would ever want to walk beside them :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): I have totally been where you are - and still am. My boyfriend is heavy, and I'm not. My family has a lot of heart issues and diabetes galore and I am VERY committed to maintaining a healthy weight. At first his weight bothered me, but I thought he was such a great catch otherwise that I should ignore that one neg and focus on all his positives. I'm totally glad I made that decision - I don't notice his weight any more at all, but I am completely in love and so grateful to have found such an incredible guy.To be fair, my situation may be a little different than yours - I am thin because I watch what I eat, but I'm not particularly active and don't want someone who prods me to go to the gym when I don't want to. (I know, I know - physical activity is important! but I live in a city where I walk a lot every single day.) He, on the other hand, is a pretty active guy - he's run marathons and done lots of races in the past - and although he was a bit slimmer at those times, he still had a bit of a gut. It's truly a genetic thing with him, so for him it's being a little heavy versus being obese, and he does what he can to stay on the former side. Anyway, all that is to say that he is not "lazy" and he doesn't not care.So, I agree with the commenters who say you aren't being superficial to think about this. Seriously - if fitness is important to you, and it's not important to him, that is something y'all will need to work on, or it's a reason to end things. It's a big deal. But if he's a great guy and the thought of losing him for one little factor makes you sick, maybe stick around and see how you feel about it in a few months. Plan physical activities together and cook heart healthy meals. If things get serious, tell him how important it is to you to avoid heart troubles if you can and how you expect that will impact your day-to-day for the rest of your life --- if you're a keeper or a great encourager, he might just join you in your healthy lifestle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): It isn't as if he was thin when you met him. You knew what he was like and yet you lead him on and now you want to change him? Yes, you are superficial and I agree with the anonymous male reader at the bottom that I'd break up with you if I were him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): OP superficial reasons matter just as much as any other when you start dating someone.
You say two things here, 1. you can't see yourself in a relationship with him and 2. you don't want to lead him on.
So end this and walk away.
OP he's not your type, and feeling guilty about that is a very shit reason to keep going with this don't you think?
You've only just started seeing him and already you want him to be different and change?
Come on, you know that can't work and it'd be incredibly unfair of you to continue on with this any longer.
You're not horribly superficial OP you just have preferences like we all do. Is it superficial that I will not date a person who is skinny? No, I don't find skinny attractive or healthy physically or mentally. Is it superficial that I will not date present or past cutters with tonnes of scars on their arms? No, again I find that disgusting and don't work well with people who use self-destruction as a coping mechanism. I have nothing against skinny people or cutters at all, I don't judge them for what they choose to do with their bodies but I simply am not compatible with such people.
Preferences OP we all have them and we all have things that make people unsuitable as partners, this guy is not compatible with you and he's not your type. The only reason for you to feel bad is if you don't walk away and stay out of some stupid need to not feel superficial. He deserves a woman who doesn't have to "try" to like him and you deserve a guy you don't want to change.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 HI
I'm sorry but you just started dating him and already you want to change him. If you try to mention anything about this to him I think it would completely knock his confidence and ruin whatever you have together. If you don't feel attracted to a larger man it's simple, don't date one. I know I may seem harsh but I dated a guy and I had put a few pounds on making me 10st 4 we only just met, I had not very long before had an operation which made me inactive for a while. when 2 weeks later he said to me " you know you really should start hitting the gym, you don't want to end up chunkier" .....I had such a shock to this I vertually never ate in front of him again and lost so much weight I looked ill. Needless to say I dumped him in the end because I realised he preferred stick thin women. Im not saying your going to be like that with him, but just think what you are saying to him before you say it if your going to. Why don't you go to the gym and ask him if he minded going with you because you don't feel comfortable going alone?
Mandy x
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I dont think thats superficial at all. Someone who eats uncontrollably n indiscriminately is a huge turn off. I was one who used to do it now im much different. This sounds like a dealbreaker to me n u need to tell him politely n calmly. Do not force. Just state ur concern and if he chooses to change stay with him if not leave. Just dont be one of the many women who wait n stay to see if he will change. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Instigate more active outings, take him hiking or playing a sport, walking rather than driving, getting off the bus or train one stop early, go bowling or ice skating.
Let him know you outlook on life is to be active and healthy, tell him about your families health risks. Include them into general conveersation a few times. If he seems to baulk at being more active or eating a little healthier tell him how you worry when people you love (or like a lot) don't seem to care about themselves, and that you donn't know if you could spend the rest of your life like that. If the above has no impact then consider your options, ie go or stay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Hello OP,
It is superficial but there's nothing wrong with that! I'm slender, toned, and eat healthily and of course I'd want my future husband to be the same. It's only natural to be attracted to people like ourselves. If health is important to you then of course you'd want a significant other to share the same values and hobbies. Futhermore, you and your husband are an example for your kids so it's best to be on the same page. If there's no physical attraction then perhaps it's best to move on. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Why would you start something with this man if you weren't attracted physically from the get go? You just led him on, which is terrible assuming he really likes you.
I'd break up with you if I were him.
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