A
female
age
36-40,
*unset0000
writes:Hi,I'm 21 years old and am going out with a 40 year old man. We've been together 2 and a half years. It started off with me believing he was 32 when we first got together but I later found out he was actually nearly 40 and had been married. He said he couldn't tell me because he thought I would just leave him straight away without giving him a chance. I won't go into all the ins and outs as it'll take forever but basically he viewed the marriage as a big mistake and the love was gone basically within the first year of marriage. I was devasted when I first found out 10 months into the relationship and because I've always had a big worry problem eg worrying about ex girlfriends and that they have been alot better/loved more than me, the fact he'd been married really bothered me. I've got over it quite well recently and it doesn't bother me so much but I get very confused about our relationship. I know he adores me and sometimes I feel the same but other times I'm unsure about the whole thing due to the past issues/ worries and the age difference. Recently he's been talking about getting engaged so I'm really going to have to make a decision about what to do but right now I'm so confused as to what I want. Any advice would be much appreciated although obviously I know I'll have to make the decision myself at some point!
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Hi Sunset,
Okay, what bothers me is the fact that he could lie to you for so long. It's not really what the lie was about, but that he did it so that he could "trap" you into staying with him. If he really cared about you, wouldn't he want you to be able to make a decision for yourself and have the choice to stay or leave him? How do you know he hasn't lied about anything else to get you to stay with him? Age means nothing and he lied about it. That sends red flags up - way up - in my opinion.
If you still love this guy - *this* guy, not the man who he claims to be - then I would not even think about getting engaged to him at this point. I would work on growing closer together and getting to know one another better. Bottom line, aside from his lies, is that you have doubts. And you shouldn't have any doubts about getting married if that's what you truley want to do.
Sorry if this sounds like it's attacking you or your boyfriend, but I've been lied to about age before and it just lead to me finding out about a whole mess of things the guy had been up to. He didn't even have the nerve to tell me himself. I found out about him from his friends. (Not trying to scare you, either, just watch out for yourself.)
Take care.
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Well given that story I think it shows strongly how important it is to have no doubts and if you have even the slightest doubts it might be an idea to wait. After all you're so young, you have ages to get married.
CD
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): al i can say about this situation is that if you stay with him your heading on a downward spiral ive been in this situation myself and know that it can only end in disaster
ask yourself this question if he can lie to his wife then whats to stop him lying to you and running off with someone else when the times right? hes allready proven hes a chronic liar by lying to you about his age, if he knew what he was doin is right then why lie about it. in my situation i found out the guy was married and he promised me it was over and was waiting for the divorce but that was all rubbish its been a year since i broke up with him and he still hasnt got that divorce and to add injury to insult i found that he was cheating on me the whole time we were together so for the greater good you should end things before it gets even more difficult
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A
female
reader, Sunset0000 +, writes (25 April 2007):
Sunset0000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. A bit of info about his marriage CD- it was in 1996 i think, he was an oil rig worker and he was in Brazil, met this girl and within a month or so they decided to get married because they wouldn't have been able to be together otherwise. So she ended up coming over here, he was still working away so didn't see much of her and as I am told, when he did actually start seeing more of her he realised she wasn't that nice but he thought he could change her. He had major doubts even at the altar but felt he had to go ahead with it by that time. Basically over the next few years they were in seperate rooms etc and he thought she was cheating on him. They moved abroad and he hardly saw her but apparently wanted to keep her with him cos he had a lot of wealth at the time and didn't want to leave her alone to take his stuff. So after they moved back here he started divorce proceedings. And that's what I have been told happened. They divorced in 2000 so I wasn't going out with him whilst he was married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): If you are confused about what you want and uncertain, you should definitely not agree to become engaged!
You might want to talk to him about some of your doubts - if you can talk to him freely and comfortably, that is - but please, pay attention to your feelings of doubts and worries - they are trying to tell you something!
Maybe when you have discussed it with him you will feel more settled one way or the other and will have a better sense of whether or not you want to proceed with the relationship. Until you do that, as I said, don't make any long-term commitment.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (24 April 2007):
I think the age thing is insignificant. After all, age is just a number and if you love him then you love him, whether he's 20, 40 or 80.
The marriage issue worries me slightly more. Was he with his wife when he started dating you? If not, no worries there but you do need to have a full understanding of why they separated and be sure he's not going to come to the same realisation about you after a year of marriage.
As for the exes always being better than you thing.... can I be harsh? GET OVER IT! The truth is that the majority of guys you come across are going to have exes and those that don't usually have a whole other set of problems and insecurities. Exes are exes for a reason. Think back to guys you have dated. Now that you're happy with someone else would you go back to them? No. Why not? Because you're in love with someone else! That's how guys feel as well.
Hope this helps.
CD
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