A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with a guy for almost half a year now, and short of little spats here and there, we're pretty compatible. I honestly think he's a real sweetheart.There's only one thing, though - he finds it upsetting that he can't get me 'off' in bed. He feels that it makes him less of a man.It takes me a long time to climax, but I know this, but he always gets discouraged when I tell him it's just fine I don't shoot off to the stars, so to speak.I honestly don't understand the 'less of a man' thing - he gets all preoccupied with it for days, and short of 'faking it' to make him feel better [why the heck should I?], and telling him I love him, I don't know what to do.How do I get him to feel better? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 Imagine it the other way around. How would you feel if your guy got you off during sex/foreplay but he never came. If he could only do it with masturbation. Would you feel 'all-woman' if that happened?
Most women would be highly upset by it, the question has in fact appeared several times.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): Thanks for all the advice! We're pretty comfortable with each other, so I'll talk to him and encourage him.
Cheers
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (12 April 2008):
 Is your lover willing to provide a good deal of foreplay, as well as perform oral stimulation for you to aid your arousal? It is gradually becoming known that women rarely experience full satisfaction from vaginal penetration alone, especially if a healthy session of foreplay is absent. A man who willingly, skillfully and knowingly offers his woman a healthy dose of oral stimulation may often provide ample opportunity for at least one or more orgasm(s) prior to satisfying his own desires through vaginal or other intercourse. If he is interested in knowing more, the best read I've encountered is "She Comes First" by Dr. Ian Kerner, which may be available through a library or certainly online.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): Yeah, don't fake it, but I have been told by a psychologist friend with a Phd that women refusing to orgasm in bed ruins their relationships with men.//
So the work is somewhat up to you my dear. If he isn't getting you off and you take a long time to climax then you need to talk to him about what can get you there.....more foreplay, oral sex is the quickest way to orgasm, and if he isn't doing the right things or moves, then agree to buy a book and do your homework together, tell him he isn't less of a man for caring to learn a few new tricks.
But warm up before you have sex, it is very common for women to have trouble with vaginal orgasms, but when they do have them, they are awesome, so don't deny yourself the experieince by faking it just to save your relationship, it will backfire.....just start talking, but not Monday morning quarterbacking, tell him in bed while you are doing it what you want him to do next...men need directions, they really do, and they love it when you tell them.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (12 April 2008):
 I totally agree with you that faking it isn't a good way to resolve this situation. I think that would cause a disconnect. I really think that in order to become more comfortable and "quicker to orgasm", you are following the right path, being truthful and communicating with each other. It's wonderful that he is a caring and attentive lover, but he should try to understand that putting pressure on you doesn't help you relax in bed. Trust me, in your thirties, the situation will rectify itself. Talk about your sex life and all of your thoughts and needs. I've heard different theories about whether or not it's a good thing to talk about it in the bedroom or not, but find somewhere that is a comfort zone for you both and talk. Keep talking. It will improve, I promise.
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