A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My relationship with my husband has been one I have never experienced. We met online and 7yrs later we'd never thought wed be this happy as parents. There's one issue that has haunted our relationship since day 1-his ex girlfriend. She is a mutual friend of his, we run into her when we're at parties. He broke up w/ her a decade ago, they quickly became friends after as a way to not make things awkward between them. Fast forward 2 years later and you have me in the picture. She attempts to befriend me by sending gifts though my then boyfriend and not to me directly. The same theme occurs over the years- she attempts to befriend me despite my obvious apprehension. My apprehension was influenced by my husband. He disclosed to me how upset she was at their break up, she went on a sex spree to fulfill the void,keep in contact with his family, kissed a mutual friend out of loneliness and would want to meet up w/ my then boyfriend to just talk.I thought by inviting her to our wedding would help her to let go, NOT! Recently she attempted to be our FB friends- we both declined because it felt intrusive to us.I feel that she still wants him, that she wants to get close to me because she wants him back. He was her first and a VERY good man- I would want him back!!What should I do??
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (28 July 2011):
She doesn't sound like she is doing anything other than being nice to you guys and trying to be on good terms with both of you, based on the information in your post. There may be more to it than that, but you don't give any indication of it, and in my opinion, that is the way things should be ideally, between exes. When romantic relationships don't work out, it is great if they can evolve into friendships where the people concerned can find a platonic way to express the love and closeness that brought them together in the first place, even though the relationship didn't work. Of course you don't see too many relationships like that, but it can be done and it is a good thing to aim for.
In this post, you don't give any indication of her doing something to interfere with your relationship with your husband. At first, I couldn't tell what the problem is. Then I realised that the problem is that she wants to be friends, and one or both of you guys don't.
It sounds like your husband is ok with being friends with her, has been from the start, but you sound like you don't want her to be friends with you guys. You write about her trying to befriend you over the years, but that you are aprehensive about befriending her, and your intention behind inviting her to the wedding was so that she could realise it is over between them, and she can stop trying to be close to him now. Imange your surprise when she continues to try be friends with you.
The issue here is your apprehension, your insecurity. You don't trust her. Do you have any reason not to trust her? It sounds more like you don't trust the idea of any ex being friends with their ex boyfriends.
It has been a long time, chances are she is more interested in being friends rather than still trying to get him after all these years, especially now that you guys are married, though you would only be able to tell based on how she behaves, which I am unable to do. More likely is that you don't like the idea of them being close it threatens you.
Have you tried being friends with her, being close to her, and seeing what kind of friend she actually is to you guys? If you trust your husband, you don't have anything to worry about trying. If she does indeed want to have some kind of intimacy with your husband, he can just say no thanks I am married, and that is the end of that. If you don't trust him to do that, that is a different issue which you should speak to him about. I would say its unlikely though, there may be more to this and you may have more information than you are giving, but based on your post it is more likely that you are insecure about their closeness than her actually wanting him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This is a hard one.
She may truly and genuinely care about him, about you, and about your family, and his family. It happens.
It really does, but it is rare.
She may not want him back, no matter how good a guy he is, because of the past, but she may respect and love him as a person, and may truly be happy that he found someone else that was special to him.
Cautious engagement and polite but respectful management of the distance emotionally is good.
I know someone like this, it is rare I'll admit, and there is only one person I've ever known who I'd feel this way about after having known them in a sexually very intimate relationship.
But, if you and husband are having problems at any point, in the future that is, he should not be going to her for advice, solace, or any other emotional support. She should never be emotionally engaged with either of you at a very intimate level. That is a dangerous combination, even if she becomes married, in such an event, seek professional marriage counseling immediately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): You invited her to your wedding, but feel invaded when she asks to be friends on FB?
She and your husband agreed to be friends, but you feel she's not letting go when she does said thing?
Your husband isn't letting go much either if that's the case, he still talks to her (she can't talk to him unless he talks back you know), he's the one who accepts these gifts from her that he then tries to give to you, so for all she knows you enjoy these gifts!
If you're uncomfortable with her being friends with your husband, why did you invite her to your wedding? Why is yoru husband still carrying on a friendship with her? Talk to hubby and have him not contact her if that is the case, because from the girls point of view you are both sending mixed signals.
I don't think she wants him back, and your husband is telling you these things about how "devastated" she was to flatter himself. Every break up is a devastating one. You grieve, and then you move on. Trying to be friends or FB friends is not a sign that she's out to get your husband. Quite the opposite, it's near impossible to be friends with someone you still have feelings for, so I suspect her wanting to be friends is a clear sign that she's over him.
Either way, it doesn't matter at all whatever her intentions are, she'd not feel like a threat to you if you had complete trust in your husband.
Are you possibly worrying that she'll make a pass at him, and then he will be the one who can't control himself and ends up cheating? If he cheats, it is because of HIM, not because of her. If he loves you, no matter what she does, he'll stick to you, and she could hurl herself naked at him and it wouldn't make a difference.
So why so worried, the woman just wants to be friends. I'd be more worried about him not being over her, than I'd worry about her, if I was to worry at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): I am probably going to be in the significant minority here! Most people will tell you 'exes should get out of each other's lives - why is she still hanging around?' Most people will say 'this isn't healthy, they should have moved on!'
But I say: life isn't that simple. There is no rulebook, and every relationship is different.
However, I don't think you have any reason to feel insecure. Firstly, what happened between your partner and this girl occurred a VERY long time ago now. Secondly, he's with you! Thirdly, it doesn't sound like he's given you any reason to feel like his affections might drift. Fourthly don't you think that her behaviour - sending you gifts, trying to approach you, might be to try to befriend YOU? Perhaps she's heard that you're awesome and fantastic from a mutual friend, and really wants to get to know you both as a couple? I see nothing in her behaviour to suggest that she wants your partner back - if she were sending him texts directly, and trying to bypass you, I'd say you had grounds for worry! But she's not - she's trying to be open and to approach him through you, as an act of respect for you as his partner.
To me, the fact that you are so worried about her very occasional contact with your partner suggests that there are unwarranted insecurities there (maybe in your past?) about losing your partner. But it's important to recognize that these are to do with your internal makeup and history, not to do with any external situation. I hope that this doesn't sound presumptuous - I only say it because two years ago, I was in exactly the same situation as you are, only the ex was REALLY intrusive, needy, and omnipresent in our lives. After an initial period of apprehension, I took the time to get to know her - and she's now one of my very best friends. She's still really needy, but we take turns to support her and my partner and I now laugh about this together (affectionately, not mocking her!)! The whole experience has brought us much closer as a couple, AND I've gained a great friend in the process too. Win, win, win!
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 Hey. Well from what it sounds like is she has not 100% got over him. They have might of broken up like a decade ago but feelings can sometimes take a life time to get over. It must be very hard for her if she now has to watch him happy and married with you. It sounds like she is defointly trying to get back into his life some way. It may not be to particually take him from you but maybe almost just be involved in his day to day life so she doesnt feel left out, and she doesnt have to let go.
Sending gifts to you is rather creepy, especially if she doesnt know you that well. She is probably trying to become friends with you so she can become closer to him.
Normanally even if it might sound crule in order to get her to leave you alone and realize that he isnt intrested anymore is to litterually drop all contact with her what so ever. Otherwise she might still have some hope that she can get back into your life. There are really two options you can either tell her straight that this is too much and you dont want gifts from her and she needs to give you space, or just become extreamly distant, change your phone numbers block her on facebook if she sends you gifts send them back.
I would personally go for the second option as its abit more easily and not as hard for her, you could carry on being friends with her but i feel that it might continue to give her hope.
Hope this helps x
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