A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am doing my usual self-destructive stuff that is driving my new boyfriend away. Right now I feel sick to the stomach that I am at this again.Nearly every relationship I have become obsessed with their ex girlfriend/wife. Currently I am with a very lovely 43 year old. I am myself 33. He has been split from his ex partner whom he has a son with for 5 years. I never thought I would be jealous this time round. When we were just friends prior to dating I remember him saying they had sex all the time and that she actually orgasmed through penatrive sex, something which I have never been able to do.Just lately I have found myself obsessively jealous of her. She left him for another man and tried ripping him off. She also wrecked his house before she left and never worked during their whole relationship, but she was very pretty. I am attractive myself so I don't know why this gets to me. The other night he told me that she had all of a sudden started speaking to him again after a few years of ignoring him because she couldnt' get any more money out of him. This really bothered me and I think this has started my obsession. I asked him if he still feels for her and he said when he looks at her he feels absolutely nothing and those feelings went a long time ago, so then why I am so so jealous of what they had?? They were together 10 years.Last night I really upset him because I was going on and on and on at him about how come we only have sex once a week, if that, yet when he was with her they had sex all the time. He said that was before their son was born and after that they never had sex at all. He then said that he was only in his 30s then and things have changed physically with him and it has nothing to do with my desirability whatsoever. I just feel so angry at her/him for what they had together. I said to him "I bet you fancied her far more than you fancy me" and he just said "that's not true" but I feel as though it is. I almost wish I could erase any of her memory from his mind. I feel such anger. He said last night that he has never known anyone as insecure as me but one thing that is better is that I am the first person who talks about problems and my emotions and that the others didn't, prefering to keep them bottled up.He said to me he loves me so much and that he thinks of me all day while he is at work. But if I carry on like this I will push him away. How can I stop this? How do I change my mindset about his ex so she no longer bothers me???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): "How do I change my mindset about his ex so she no longer bothers me???"
You can't. What you need to understand that you chose losers whose exes reflect their taste in women, or lack thereof, and therefore that you consistently end up obsessed with the exes of the guys with whom you consistently take up indicates they consistently move on to women similar to their immediate predecessors, which in turn does not necessarily not favorably reflect on your taste in men, or lack thereof, or their interest in you.
"He said to me he loves me so much and that he thinks of me all day while he is at work."
Sounds like a keeper, as any regular DC aunt or uncle knows, when a guy SAYS he loves a girl, how can he possibly not mean it?
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Ah I wish he had never told you how often they had sex. It makes no sense to tell you this, how does this help anyone or do anything? I, too, have suffered from what you are going through, retroactive jealousy. I learned never to ask any questions about past sexual history. But that's too late for you now unfortunately, just like it was for me.
What you need to do is keep the insecure thoughts about her to yourself. Trust me I get it. I am also very open, talk about everything and all of my emotions. My husband loves that too, said that others kept feelings bottled in, had no communication. But in this instance, you need to keep it to yourself. Starting a fight over the past won't solve anything. Learning any more about their past won't help anything, it will make you focus on it more. You are fighting with him and angry with him over something he cannot change or take back. Always remind yourself of this- he can't do anything about his past NOW. So what does fighting with him do?
Obviously you are upset by this and so you think you should share your feelings with him. It isn't that you are expecting a solution as much as its an outlet for your anger over this. Stop blaming him for his past. When these insecure thoughts come up, repeat to yourself everything he has said. She is the past, he can't stand her now (absolutely the truth but little to help your issue since you are upset over his past with her), he's with YOU now, he loves YOU, you are different to him from the rest, sex is only lacking because of age- not you, nothing else (also the truth). See the problem with talking to him about how often he had sex with his ex- now you are thinking about it more. Now you are thinking, "well he only stopped because they had a kid. We haven't had a kid so why aren't we having sex?" If it came up and in your mind you reminded yourself of those few key items and then distracted yourself you wouldnt have learned any new information to harp on. One of my problems was hearing any more info about the ex meant to me that he still remembered her well/missed her. So keeping it to myself worked in many ways.
It has been a couple years now since I have really worried about it. I will still randomly get a pang of jealousy but I can easily curb it by reminding myself it was his past, he's mine now, I can't be upset at things he can't change. And I also think about my own past and how I have no real fond memories or ever think of my ex's in any way, so it's unlikely my husband does either. Your boyfriend thinks of his ex in negative ways. Remind yourself of these things and try to distract yourself when you feel you are getting too upset by it. And don't mention it to your boyfriend anymore. It won't help either of you and makes everything worse. After time and learning to control and suppress the feelings, they come around less and less then eventually rarely at all. You just accept his past and it has nothing to do with his feelings for you and you are separate from his ex.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (18 October 2012):
 I understand your position,
I too have been crazy with this girl that is after my man or that's what I heard and he sees her every Tuesday night as she is on his dart team.
I wish I had some news for us on how to deal with our insecurity and fears,
but just know your man has said he loves you and he is done with her.
You are the one he comes home too.
He said, more importantly, he LOVES YOU awesome!
mine after 1.5 has not said those words. yes his actions say I love you...
a few months ago my constant obsession over her and my snide remarks is what he told me was going to ruin our relationship not her. he has NO interest..yet to this day my mind is crazy every Tuesday night, so I get you I get where your mind is,
but really WE will loose the man we love if we don't help ourselves thru these feelings and fears.
I personally tried going to a class on Tuesday as to distract myself it worked but next week will be another story.
so maybe you can do something to distract yourself.
Remember he comes home to you. My bf and I are older too (40's) and unfortunately as much as my bf he says he loves sex once a week is all i really get :(
our age and health has impacted that so don't worry that he doesn't want you he does! its just normal for some to not need it all the time.
Keep me posted and if you figure out a good way to stop obsessing let me know maybe I can try it also. Sorry I don't have any good answers.
Good luck!
Peace and love
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Hi
All you can do is imagine losing him over this obsession of yours.
We all have Exs, I wouldn't want to go back to either of mine no matter how happy we had been before the rot set in.He has made it clear how he feels about you and her.Would you go back to your Ex's?
Nor would I discuss my previous sex life with the Exs, with a new man, not that I remember much of it,its not something you (or at least me)shares with anyone.
Perhaps you should seek counselling to find out what causes this crazy insecurity? He clearly thinks alot of you so don't drive him away.
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