A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it. I've been with my boyfriend for four years now. A year before we got together he was dumped by his high school sweetheart who he was with for five years.At first he talked quite a lot about his ex and the way he talked made me think he wasn't over her. I was told she was nice, smart, pretty etc. He didn't want to be open about our relationship because he didn't want her to find out. He was my first boyfriend and I didn't know what was usual behaviour. Eventually I asked him to tone it down and he did.Now I don't doubt his feelings for me and he is more considerate. We're happy together and he shows me with his actions and his words that he loves me. But almost every day I have the thought pop into my head that he thinks his ex is prettier than me, that she was smarter than me (I'm pretty bright but she's a whole other level) etc. These are things that would have had a basis three and a half years ago but not so much anymore. I have nightmares that he gets back together with her, cheats on me, or calls her to say he misses her. I don't know what to do. Obviously these thoughts and dreams are silly and untrue but I can't stop them and they upset me. Can anyone think of anything that might help or make it better?
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female
reader, Kate1967  +, writes (16 March 2016):
You have been with your boyfriend for four years. You need to trust this man. If the trust isn't there, you should run for the hills.
I believe your issues is low self-esteem, being afraid he will leave you to get back together with her.
Love yourself. Be a good person. Let life unfold and stop worrying.
If he does something to lose your trust, then you have a decision to make. Until then, don't stress over things that aren't happening.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 I think the more you let these dreams/nightmares/fantasies influence your life the more it will fester and the more it will upset you.
So you NEED to find a way to snap yourself out of it. EVERY time it pops not your head. An elastic band on your wrist can sometimes help. Make sure it's not too tight. When you get one of those "silly" notions you snap the rubber band and the little "sting" will snap your mind onto the "owie" instead of the ex-gf. At some point you will basically have trained yourself to not spend much (if any) time on the ex-gf.
Your BF has had 4 YEARS to get back together with this ex, but he CHOSE to be with you. So WHAT if she is prettier? or smarter? or make more money? You will find that there are MANY girls out that who are "better" than you in some respects. But one thing they are not... IS YOU! And you... are uniquely you! And probably better suited for your BF than the ex was, no matter what she looks like. Maybe he hid you because she IS/WAS a bit ... nutty? And he wanted to spare YOU from her drama? Or he wasn't entirely sure just how well you and him fit. But that was 3 years ago....
As for hiding the relationship. Yes, that is a red flag for a guy (or girl) to do. And I hope he isn't doing that no more, if he is... you NEED to deal with that. ASAP.
While I DO think it's partly his fault that you feel "inferior" to the ex-gf, because he DIDN'T tell her about you, didn't show you off (no matter what the ex might think) - this IS your issue to deal with. He really can't fix this for you. So be proactive!
Your BF has a past. He has an ex. THAT is a fact. And no matter HOW you look at it, it's something you have to accept. The ex is part of that past. And the PAST needs to STAY in the past. If you keep looking to HIS past and worrying, you are going to miss out on the good stuff happening in the here and now. Let the sleeping dog lie. Accept that he dated a hottie and that IT DID NOT work out between them. ACCEPT that he is LUCKY to have you in his life. That the whole "looks" and "brains" are great, but it really IS irrelevant when it comes to how good a fit two people are.
As one of out DC aunties usually say :"Don't let the EX GF live rent-free in your head." Basically.... don't give her all that power and make her out to be some kind of "super woman" who is SO much better than you. Because? She isn't. She is her - YOU... are you! No need WHATSOEVER to compare yourself.
Learn to snap yourself out of this. It must be exhausting to give her THAT much power in your life - time to "take" it back.
Good luck!
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